On Life and Words

I have had a really difficult time over the past year; mentally, physically, emotionally, financially. It’s been a rollercoaster of seemingly limitless insanity and a bunch of bright moments scattered within a dark forest full of danger. Perhaps I exaggerate, perhaps not.  I had two surgeries within a year - one, seemingly minor, simply getting four broken teeth removed (except it affected a lot more than those four broken teeth and further impacted my ability to eat properly) and then my hysterectomy almost six months ago. A physically and mentally difficult ordeal, I got infections in my incisions, I had so much pain it was unreal and I found myself struggling to do anything physically, found myself completely exhausted with minimal stamina for much of anything.  I didn’t take the seriousness of my hysterectomy into consideration. I chose to remain blissfully unaware of the physical repercussions of having a major surgery where a part of one’s body is removed. And from an ar...

I'm kind of in a weird place right now. I meant to go to bed two hours ago. I have to work in the morning and I have a million things to get done tomorrow. I've lost focus of myself and my life path according to my most recent plan. I really hate when that happens. I hate being lost and hate feeling out of sorts. I hate feeling so out of control of myself and my own life. I have a house full of kids. I am the primary parent and responsible person for four of them. This is an awesome and staggering responsibility. I'm not sure where I'm going with this. Other than, this much I do know. I am trying to be the parent and mother that ALL of my children need, I feel like I'm failing miserably. I feel like, while trying to be the mother I am supposed to be, I am failing them and also not being true to myself and what I need. How do women balance that which they want and need with what they must do? I never pictured myself as a single mother - not in a million years. B...

Life is hard. No doubt about it. Sometimes it can seem very overwhelming. Even to those of us who have "been there, done that" in negative situations or when dealing with negativity in relationships. No single person has their life perfectly together. Even if that's what they want you to think and they try to portray - the fact is, no one is perfect - we all have skeletons in our closets and we all have problems to deal with. Don't look at someone else and what you perceive of their life and assume they have it all together or they have no problems. I assure you, everyone is great at putting on a front, but most people can't allow themselves to be vulnerable and real in front of others, so you don't see what's behind that "front." It all comes down to living life and coping as we go. I have had a really rough week or so, emotionally. I was starting to think that I was either slowly losing my mind or that my mind was already gone - it was jus...

Divorce is extremely difficult, even without children. But if you have kids, it's even more difficult. Many divorced parents don't realize how much their fighting or discord actually affects their child(ren.) It can be difficult to be neutral or diplomatic during or after a divorce, but if you have children with your ex-spouse, it's of utmost importance that you set aside differences, anger and fighting and learn to at least be civil with your ex.  If there are unresolved issues in your former relationship or if you and your ex-spouse have a history of dysfunction, it can be extremely difficult to come together and be successful at co-parenting your child(ren.) In cases like this, it can come down to a simple matter of, one of you needs to let things go and be the bigger person. Even if you feel like you might want to lash out at the other parent or want to talk negatively about the other parent to your child(ren,) it's extremely important for the well-being of ever...

When it comes to past hurts and anger, it's very difficult to forgive and let it go. I think that many times, when we are struggling with trying to forgive someone else, we often are so caught up in our anger or hurt feelings that we then feel guilty for feeling angry or hurt, so we end up sabotaging our attempts at forgiving the other person. I think that sometimes too, when someone has hurt or offended us, sometimes their actions are a reaction to our own actions. And then, when we are struggling to forgive them for their offense, we can't do it unless we have acknowledged where we have wronged them as well. I don't know if true forgiveness is always possible. Sometimes the hurt or anger is so deep, it can seem impossible to let the offense go. But, if we are to love others and ourselves and to move past the hurt and anger, forgiveness is an important step. I am not suggesting that one should blindly forgive and forget. But forgiveness is a big part of moving forward...

So, after almost 3 years, my most recent relationship has ended. I wasn't really surprised. It was a crazy, up and down kind of relationship. I think I'm most surprised that it lasted as long as it did. This relationship was one of those insane, feel-an-instant-connection, dive head-first into it kind of relationships. One that seemed OH so perfect and wrong all at the same time. But, sometimes, even when all of the emotions are right and the commitment is there, a relationship simply can't withstand the pressures of life and it can't continue. When you have two people who are not only complete opposites, but also at completely different points in their lives, it is almost impossible for the relationship to succeed. In the end, in a situation like this, sometimes the only way to go is down, or, more dramatically, the relationship collides straight into a brick wall. I think that's what happened here. In the end, there was no room for compromise on either side a...

Have you ever felt like an event in your life has so totally derailed things that your life has actually been interrupted and basically suspended, indefinitely? I have had this occur a few times in my life and have discovered something - I don't care for it much at all. I think that sometimes, these interruptions, so to speak, can be external events, internal events, relationships beginning or ending or just about anything that causes emotional trauma. So what does one do, when they are living a life interrupted? The first thing to do is to realize that your circumstances do not define who you are. Relationships do not define who you are. Events in your past or present do not define who you are as a person. You can live your life despite your past or even present, as long as you remember that this interruption, or suspension, is never permanent. As long as you do not allow the interruption to paralyze you into inaction, you can, indeed, pick up and move through life again. A l...