Why Unrequited Love is Dangerous

We've all heard the stories of unrequited love... boy meets girl, girl meets boy... one of them falls in love with the other, but the other doesn't reciprocate. The end result in these stories is that the party who falls in love ends up having a broken heart "forever." There are many memes and quotes out there that portray unrequited love as a noble thing, as something that is perfectly normal and healthy.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

In many cases, there are situations where one person loves another person deeply and truly and the other person doesn't love them back in the same way that they love the other person. This is considered "unrequited love." And this is also the danger of "unrequited love."

Loving another person who doesn't love you back in the same way, or even at all, is not a problem in and of itself. It's whenever you place the hope and expectation that the other person will love you in return in the same way that you love them.

To me, this isn't love. Real love isn't "unrequited," because it is not given with the expectation or hope of anything in return. We've all had relationships -romantic, platonic, familial, etc - where one person cared more than the other person seemed to. That didn't make our own feelings less valid for the other person simply because they didn't reciprocate.

The danger in loving someone more than they love us is... we are likely to get hurt. But not in the ways we think. When you love someone and they don't love you back, it's easy to sit and dwell on it or spend a lot of time hoping they will love you back, even looking for ways to try to get them to love you back. This isn't real or true love.

Real love doesn't require anything of the other person, it isn't invalidated if they don't love us back. Honest love is given, without expectation or demand. It says "I'm going to love you. I want what is best for you - even if that isn't me." And then that's exactly what it does.

"Unrequited love" is dangerous. It's a danger to your mental and emotional health, it's unhealthy for you and your relationships and it will simply become an exercise in frustration and heartache. So, drop the notion of  unrequited love as being noble and romantic or a sign of "true love."

The best way to gain the love you'd like to have in your life, is to give freely and honestly of your love, with no expectations or demands. When you can give love honestly, regardless of if that particular person loves you back or not, you will invite all the love you are seeking and needing into your life in all shapes and forms.

One last thing, if we have to say or do something to make someone love us in return, that isn't love.

Loving Openly and Honestly

Love is hard. Loving people is harder. We all have a very normal human desire to both love and be loved. The word love is not a noun, it's a verb. This is where many people get so twisted up when dealing with their love for others. Our society tends to consider love a "thing," when it is an *ACTION.*  We often talk of "loving" things - ice cream, pizza, places, etc. That's not love, that is an intense LIKE of something.

Love means we are going to do whatever we can possibly do to ensure another person's happiness or well-being. It is both an action and an emotion. When we love someone, we (hopefully) truly want what is best for them - we want them to be happy, safe, successful, etc. Many times, however, people are quick to use "love" for others as a way to receive love in their own lives. The word love is spoken in an attempt to get the other person to reciprocate. This isn't love.

True love doesn't require that the other person "love" you back. All that is needed for open and honest love of another human being is to desire what is best for them - their happiness, safety, fulfillment, health, success, etc. Honest and open love doesn't demand or expect that the other person will love us back simply because we love them.

The thing about loving openly and honestly is that we can give freely of ourselves and our love for another human being, making no demands or having any expectations. Real love doesn't attempt to get another person to do anything - if anything, this is a form of manipulation and abuse. Honest love says "I'm going to be here for you, I care about you and I only want your happiness and what is best for you - not what I desire or think is best for you."

Please, everyone, stop attempting to use love to get your own needs and desires met - that isn't love and will only result in heartache and frustration for you and those that you love. Be the light, give love freely with no expectations or demands. You'll end up being pleasantly surprised that love will come your way in all the right forms for YOU, if you are loving freely and openly, with honesty, and making no demands on others.

And remember, you can't truly love another person unless you love yourself first.

Find Your Own Happiness

I just thought I'd write a quick "Public Service Announcement" for those of you out there who might be struggling to find real, lasting happiness. You won't find true, lasting happiness if you seek to make another human being responsible for your happiness. While those closest to us can contribute to our happiness - lovers, friends, family, children, etc... our happiness lies within ourselves. Yes, you are the only one who can make yourself happy, and sometimes you have to choose to make yourself happy.

Many people make the mistake in thinking that their happiness lies in external factors - the ideal partner, the "perfect" job, more money in the bank, their dream home, less debt, etc. The list could go on. While accomplishments and achievements can contribute to your happiness, none of these things will matter if you are unhappy with yourself deep inside. You cannot secretly loathe yourself or feel unworthy and then expect to be happy because of material things or your relationships with other people. The only way to be happy is to choose to be happy and to work on loving yourself and nurturing yourself.

If we rely on others to make us happy, we are shortchanging ourselves and doing our loved ones a grave disservice. The tendency to rely on others to make themselves happy, is, why I think our society's divorce rates, homeless rates, unemployment rates, etc... are so high. It all comes back down to broken people expecting others to fix them and then trying to rely on others for their own happiness.

If we would all take more personal responsibility for our own happiness, thoughts and actions - we would find that our world would be a much better place. But for many, this is impossible to do because they spend more time focused on external factors than trying to love themselves and make sure that they, themselves are a whole person. Instead, we find that many people expect others to "complete" them or make them happy.

All this leads to is more broken souls. It is a huge responsibility and burden to put on another human being's heart and soul when you expect them to make you happy. Many people will try to make someone they care about happy, but they are left guessing how or feeling discouraged because they can't. The unhappy individual is left feeling more alone, unhappy and frustrated - thus leading to a breakdown in the relationship, until it eventually ends.

To avoid making other people responsible for your happiness or making them feel responsible for your happiness... First, learn to be happy with yourself and love yourself. Work on finding your inner peace and figure out what you need for your own happiness. Once you make the choice to be happy, then you can figure out what will make you happy for yourself, without relying on another person or placing undue pressure on those that you love.

True happiness and peace comes from within. Not from material things, job or other people. Once you start loving yourself and nurturing yourself, you will be better prepared to seek out your own happiness and be in balance to be able to have that happiness enhanced by the people you choose to put in your life.

2nd Book Update : Fighting Fists of Fire

    Hello Everyone!
    My second book will be published by the end of July. I apologize for absolutely no word or updates concerning my books in the last few years... My life has been a complete roller coaster!
Please consider following me on Twitter or Instagram to keep updated, as well.
Twitter: @juliemichael82
Instagram: persephone2182

Now, on to more important issues.... about my second book!

My second book is nonfiction,  partial memoir, or, autobiography, and also a semi-guide or resource book about childhood abuse and domestic violence, as well as escaping from the cycle of abuse and trauma. It is called "Fighting Fists of Fire: An Escape from Domestic Violence." It starts from the beginning, my childhood and continues to where I am in my present life - finally healing and ensuring that the cycle of Domestic Violence and trauma stops with me.

When I have a firmer date for publication, I will let you all know! I look forward to sharing my journey with you@

Finally Writing Again

After a very long time of not being able to even properly write a grocery list, let alone a journal entry or a blog post... I'm finally writing again.

It's been so long since I haven't felt "blocked" from my ability to write even felt any motivation to write, that I almost forgot how satisfying it is to put my thoughts or feelings into writing.

It hit the point recently, where I simply couldn't find the words to express what I was feeling... So I decided to draw whatever came to mind.

Those drawings were terrible from a quality or ability level... And they had really dark undertones (due to depression, anxiety, PTSD and years of trauma and insecurity), but the point is... I was able to express my thoughts and feelings.

That was last night.

Today, I posted a post on each of my blogs and then proceeded to start working on my second book manuscript again - which had been sitting untouched for over 4 years.

I finally am at peace about a lot of things in my life. And now I'm ready to move forward. Which includes writing again.

I can't wait to see where this new journey takes me!

Thoughts On Parenting Teenagers

Okay, Everyone... Parenting is, hands down, the hardest job you'll ever have in your life. Every individual who has raised a child knows this. From birth and through your child's adulthood, parenting is hard.

Children don't come with instruction manuals. Heaven knows, if that were the case, then the journey of parenthood would be so much easier. That's just not the way parenting works, however.

I remember be a young, teenage mother-to-be... Very determined to try to raise my children right and determined to prove everyone wrong. To prove, in fact, that teenage mothers can still be good mothers. I devoured parenting book after parenting book. I was determined to not make all the same mistakes my own parents had. To, in fact, be a superior parent than they had been.

Then my oldest child was born. And when my oldest child was about 6 months old, I proceeded to throw out each and every one of those parenting books. Why? Not because I had learned to be a perfect parent (Ha! Those don't exist!), but because those parenting books all made me realize something.

There is no "one size fits all" method that works when it comes to parenting. No single thing works for every parent, no single thing works for every child. Indeed, parenting has taught me that we don't really know squat when it comes to raising our children, all parents start out not knowing how to be a parent and just when you think you have it all figured out... Your kid goes out of their way to show you that you don't.

Teenagers. Oh, they're an entirely different set of challenges. Parenting requires you to have the patience of a saint and nerves of steel. Especially if your child is just like you.

I get it. Teenage years are hard. There are social pressures that most adults have gladly forgotten about, academic pressures that can be nerve-wracking to any child or adult, then you add hormone changes, emotional changes and your child trying to find their place and direction in life.

I think that by the time our children reach their teenage years, most parents have forgotten just how lost or confused they felt during their own teenagehood. Most of us gladly leave the peer pressure, highschool drama and snarkiness, stress over tests,  deciding on college or not, learning to chart the waters of dating, etc - behind.

I have a ridiculous amount of children. 9, to be exact. I always wanted a large family - boy, did I get it! I currently have 5 teenagers, who have various living situations. Navigating those situations and relationships is difficult, even on a good day. When the days are bad, they're really bad.

Every child needs something different from me. And I also have 2 middles and 2 toddlers. My life is crazy chaos on a calm day. But my life with teenagers is it's own special brand of craziness.

See, my teenagers are ready to go forth into the world and be the adults they are becoming. I couldn't be more proud of ANY of them. But it's hard.

One moment your teen is going to love you and respect you, the next moment he or she is going to think you are Satan incarnate and only out to ruin his or her life. There will be laughter, tears, many uncomfortable moments and even screaming - maybe you, maybe them.

At the end of the day, your teenager just wants reassurance that you love them and that you're there for them. The hardest part of being a parent, for me, is giving my children room to make mistakes and deal with the consequences in as controlled and safe manner as possible.

And then you simply have to hope and pray you've done enough to teach them how to get through it all in one piece. While holding on to the nearest handle and praying you survive it too.

Teenagers don't mean to drive their parents crazy, it's due to all the inner and outer chaos they're dealing with. It's part of growing up. And sometimes, you're growing up right alongside them.

Moving On Now

I no longer have time or patience for negativity or interference from people who judge or want drama. If I am describing you, then kindly lose my contact information and that of ANY of my children and remove yourself from my life and theirs.

My life is my own, as are my children's lives. No one in my immediate family (my children and I) need judgements, negativity or drama in any shape or form.

I'm taking back control of myself and my own life. If you're still here when I'm done, that's great. If not, I wish you the best.

#nomorenegativity #life #newbeginnings #igotthis #mommy #9kids #momlife #nomoredrama #positivity #movingforward #goals

My New Life

So recently I made a pretty drastic (for me) change. I moved 2 hours from where I was living and moved into a 5th wheel camper.

There were multiple reasons for doing so... But I'll get into those at another time. But for now... I'm adjusting to living in a smaller space with my littles and my teenage daughter. We had too much "stuff" anyway, so now is as good a time as any to learn to declutter.

I'm currently waiting to start a job. My 3 year old had surgery a week and a half ago to get his tonsils and adenoids taken out. His post-op appointment is at the 2 week mark, so then I can focus on going back to work.

Money is tight, stress is a little high... But for the first time in my life, I'm finding peace and don't feel a sense of dread about what the future holds.

I've taken to calling the camper my "tiny house" or "gypsy trailer." I'm viewing this as an adventure.. Not yet another restart. It's actually both, but I'm excited about it.

And maybe I'll finally get organized in the process...

36 Years and a Day

Yesterday, I turned 36. I have really rather struggled about being in my 30's in the last few years. I probably will continue to do so off and on.

I struggled because I felt like I needed to have met so many "milestones" and levels of success that "most" people have done by my age. I struggled because I felt like I was getting "old" and I've basically "wasted" my life. (Please notice the frequent quotation marks for later reference.)

I realized something today... every single one of us has a reason for being here. We all have a purpose, even when we don't know what it is. We live the lives we live for a reason. Whether I've made the choices or not,  I'm right here where I am meant to be. My life is being what it is supposed to be. Because I matter. Everyone in this world matters.

There is no "right way" or "wrong way," everyone is where they are for a reason. We make choices, for right or wrong, and they are the choices that we individually have to make to become the person we are to become.

So, starting today,  I'm going to quit living my life in quotation marks, outside of the "should" and "have to" areas in life. We're free to make our choices, but they all take us down the path we need to follow for ourselves. 

Stop putting quotation marks around your life and simply make your statement, make your mark on this world... in the way that only you can.

3 Months and 4 Days Later

On April 20th, 2018... my life changed (again!) in a split second. My ex-husband called to tell me that his wife had been in a car accident while bringing our 3 boys down to my house.

My heart. My world.
Literally stopped.

Everything suspended for a moment as I struggled to wrap my mind around what I was hearing and tried to grasp the severity of the situation.

There are no words to say in a situation like this. Nothing comes to mind. You can't focus on a single thought or word, but also grasp at every single word or thought. Struggling to hang on to anything you can, to try to make sense of something so utterly unexpected as to be unbelievable. 

In the ensuing chaos, I realized that I'd been in the shower when the call came through.... had I? Really? Did I remember to shut the lights off? Did I hang my towel? I'd left conditioner in my hair and one leg unshaven as I threw whatever clothes I had on and my new husband and I rushed out the door to get to the accident scene. 

I can attest to the fact that I was probably in shock by the time we reached the accident scene... my brain already going into a protective mode, which probably ultimately saved my sanity and that of those around me.

We picked my 13 year old son up from the scene, he, miraculously, no injuries other than a few very minor scratches and a seat belt bruise. We would take him to the trauma unit where my other 2 sons were being med-flighted.

Again. This is where a disconnect from reality occurred. I HEARD med-flight, I heard trauma and sedation. But it didn't register, because one of my 3 boys was perfectly fine, right in front of me and basically unscathed. Stepmom was okay, except for some bruises, scratches and some nasty cuts on her foot. Her 14 year old son and her and my ex-husband's baby were okay, too.

Nope. I can't even express what went through my mind when I saw my 7 year old son in the trauma bay. We would find that he had a severe concussion which resulted in some memory loss and personality changes, a broken arm, a gash on his head and I was totally unprepared for the amount of blood he was covered in and how still he was.

Some Mama instinct kept me from losing it completely, but I still struggled to stay calm and focused. Even now,  the memory fills me with a deep pain and pure ice flows through my veins. There is no warmth when the memory hits... as there was no warmth that day or in the days that followed.

When my 10 year old arrived, I was already to a point of numbness that I can't even begin to explain... yet I felt the pain rip through me as if I were feeling every bit of their injuries myself. I struggled and struggled to decipher my emotions and thoughts.  I pray I never feel that again.
My 10 year old son had a deep gash from the side of his head and across his cheekbone, he was missing a chunk of his arm that I could have put my fist in.

Wait. What? How can I so clinically and calmly state their injuries and not scream and cry whilst doing so? I don't know. Even now... I don't know. My life has ended and began all over again, multiple times... through the time in the trauma bays, to the time in ICU... to the week long hospital stay for both boys... the multiple surgeries my 10 year old had to repair his arm... the daily struggles with my 7 year old when he forgets something or we see a different personality than before. The survivor's guilt and PTSD that my 13 year old struggles with. All of us are carrying scars now, they are just physically visible on my 7 year old and 10 year old.

The moments we struggle through in life are what makes us who we are, those events in life that we don't plan or expect that could be so much worse, the ghosts of the past and memories of how things used to be. It all merges together, daily. Sometimes every moment of the day.

A mother's biggest fear is something happening to one of her children. The traumas that happen in life make one moment seem like a million lifetimes. And when it's more than one of your children, that makes it even more difficult.

Three months and four days ago, my heart stopped and began again. My world turned completely upside down with a pain that just won't go away. I have panic attacks when driving, my heart skips a beat when my phone rings - for fear of another accident or emergency, I have nightmares and my emotions are all over the place.

One moment I'm angry and wanting to blame someone... there isn't anyone to blame, that's why accidents are called accidents. One moment I'm terrified to let my children out of my sight. Another time I'm so sad for the pain they've gone through. And then I just feel an overwhelming heartbreak... I'm Mama and I couldn't prevent it or fix it. I couldn't protect my babies.

Three months and four days... and the healing journey is still only just beginning.