I’m a Terrible Blogger!

 Actually, I pretty much just let life and my depression take over me for awhile. So I stopped writing. 

What a shame it is that the times we need people the most we end up isolated? Whether by our own doing or some other circumstance. It’s been a rough year.

I’m now over a year since my hysterectomy. I still hurt with any strenuous activity and I have struggled with stomach issues and severe anxiety since my surgery. 

Now trying some new medications and a new routine for self-care. We shall see how it goes. 

❤️

The Things We Keep Inside

Childhood is hard. Adulthood is hard. Being a human being is hard. Being a DECENT human being is even harder.  It's impossible to go through life completely unscathed... no one can do it. Every single moment, every single experience we have... shapes the people that we become. This can be to the better or for the worse. I don't believe that people are born "bad"  or good either one... I think they are all born "neutral" and then their experiences and basic personalities shape them into the people they become.

For most of us, we're just you're average, garden variety good person. In my case, I'm a pretty good person who got handed several bad hands in life. I ended up being abused most of my life and now have to deal with the aftermath of being abused, which includes PTSD, dissociative disorder due to Complex Trauma and a host of other mental and emotional issues. The average person walking past me on the street would never be able to see or guess that I struggle daily with just getting up, being present in the moment and surviving another day.

So it is with the things we keep inside.

In the case of a few of my abusers, they hid a deep evil inside of them... a part of them that THRIVED on hurting other people, especially a defenseless woman less than half their size. In my case, I was abused in various forms throughout my entire life... I keep a lot hidden away from people that I encounter in daily life, casual acquaintances - anyone who isn't "safe." For me to let down my guard and show anyone the things I keep inside, it takes a long time and a lot of effort and trust - believe me, I'm not going to tell a brand-new friend all about my past or my feelings or thoughts!

Each of us carries "baggage" from our pasts with us as we go about our daily lives and we aren't typically unpacking and repacking it. Things get pretty scary if someone tries to mess with our inner selves, especially if that is how we are keeping ourselves safe. That emotionally distant person you know - they're not just an "unemotional asshole," they've usually been hurt badly and are trying to stay back from people and situations that might cause them harm.

Everyone has things inside them that we can't see. Sometimes it's good and just a way of protecting ourselves - although this can be taken too far... other times, it's something negative or evil that the person lets out for their own amusement at other's expense. Our inner selves are typically our true selves.. in my case, I've got an angry, scared inner child who's tired of fighting her demons... but she tries again another day, every single day.

I hide the pain, the anger, the frustration... and I continue on my way through this journey called life.. taking a little bit out at a time and trying to deal with it. I'm making progress, but my inner self is still extremely fragile. But I'll get there. And in the meantime, I'll keep things inside that I feel need to be kept inside in order to protect myself.

Knowing Your Limitations

I have had a recent epiphany. After several months of stress and many unexpected changes, I've found myself in the position of finally needing to slow myself down.

As someone who struggles with severe anxiety, as well as chronic pain and arthritis, I find myself having days that are truly a struggle to get through.  I find myself struggling to get showered and changed for the day, struggling to keep up with two toddlers and seven other kids who all need something different from me.

The simplest tasks keep me busy, I struggle to get everything done that I feel I need to get done. When it hurts to walk because your body is basically attacking itself or your chest is hurting and you can barely breathe due to being anxious or stressed, the effects can be completely crippling.

I miss feeling like a normal person, I miss being able to do whatever I wanted or needed to do without feeling like my own body hates me and is imploding on itself. When I feel as though I'm ready to jump out of my own skin because I can't get the pain to stop - there aren't enough words to describe the level of frustration I feel.

Yes, folks, this post is about me and all about me. I'm having a bad pain day and I don't like it. I'm tired of being tired all the time, I'm tired of being frustrated or feeling pretty useless.

I've found myself agreeing to things that I ended up stressing myself and my body out over. I've found myself angry with myself and the situation.

No one with anxiety OR chronic pain wants to feel like this. None of us want to be a burden on our spouses,  partners or friends. We don't like asking for help and we don't like not being able to do simple things asked of us. But a lot of us eventually realize that, sometimes, despite our best efforts and intentions, we DO have limitations.

The struggle with anxiety is real. The struggle with chronic pain is real. I'm not crazy and neither is anyone else struggling with anxiety or chronic pain, or, in many cases, both. 

Please don't tell me to just suck it up and deal or to just get over it. Believe me, if it were that simple,  I'd have already done so. I have 9 very active children, a husband, a home, work, friends and family. I don't have time to  be sick or tired. I don't have time to hurt.

But, there it is. I still hurt, I still have severe anxiety, and I have to make the time to deal with the worst of days. 

I might spend weeks with no pain or anxiety and then it hits out if nowhere, much like I imagine getting hit by a freight train would.  I might start the day just fine and then in the middle of the day or an errand or chore, find myself out of energy, in pain or having severe chest pain and find myself out of breath.

This isn't something I chose or wanted. I work with my doctors to find solutions, but often find myself with no answers or trying, yet again, another medicine or supplement.

I just have to continue the struggle and keep moving forward. Life is happening at warp speed, but I want to participate as much as possible.

Mental Health Awareness

Mental health is a serious issue. It's important to remember that just because someone might be suffering from a mental illness, depressio or other issue, does NOT mean that they are "crazy" or seeking attention. If someone you know is struggling with depression, anxiety, mood disorder or other mental health issue, they need your caring and support... Not ridicule or ignorance.

If you get frustrated with someone because they aren't "normal," you need yo remember that they are just as frustrated as you are and they aren't trying to be difficult. Berating someone or treating them badly won't help and anything or anyone and it could even make the issue worse. Mental illness and depression is real, it's not something that someone can control.

Be aware that someone who is dealing with a mental health issue needs support and understanding. The best thing anyone can do if someone they know is struggling with a mental health issue is to be supportive, patient and understanding... As well as educating themselves about the issue.

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