Long-neglected Blog, Long-neglected Me?

I have had a really difficult time over the past year; mentally, physically, emotionally, financially. It’s been a rollercoaster of seemingly limitless insanity and a bunch of bright moments scattered within a dark forest full of danger. Perhaps I exaggerate, perhaps not. 

I had two surgeries within a year - one, seemingly minor, simply getting four broken teeth removed (except it affected a lot more than those four broken teeth and further impacted my ability to eat properly) and then my hysterectomy almost six months ago. A physically and mentally difficult ordeal, I got infections in my incisions, I had so much pain it was unreal and I found myself struggling to do anything physically, found myself completely exhausted with minimal stamina for much of anything. 

I didn’t take the seriousness of my hysterectomy into consideration. I chose to remain blissfully unaware of the physical repercussions of having a major surgery where a part of one’s body is removed. And from an area of one’s body that is connected to physical strength in pretty much every other area of the body. 

It was a shock to me whenever my body didn’t “bounce back” as quickly as I wanted or expected it to, I didn’t seem to consider that I had never actually been through anything like that. I lost my mind, or whatever I had left of it - pushing myself to try harder, to do more, to try even harder. I found myself hurt and/or sick multiple times because I would push and push at myself and then stress myself out. I placed unrealistic expectations on myself and then pushed myself hard to attempt to live up to those expectations, before I finally realized that I don’t have to push myself so hard or push so fast. I can still take the time to take care of myself as I keep making progress, but that progress doesn’t have to happen overnight. 

As long as I am trying and making progress, it’s okay to slow down once in awhile and it’s okay to take care of myself. I can’t get to the destination if I burn out along the way, and the journey is part of the destination.

It’s okay to be tired. It’s okay to say “not today” or “I’m not doing this right now.” I have given myself permission to rest and take care of me. As a result, I’m no longer stressed out all the time, I am feeling better physically, my emotions aren’t all over the place.. I’m doing okay now. 

Equally important - don’t overthink it, sometimes there doesn’t have to be a reason or a why. Sometimes things are just the way they are and you must do what you need to do, which is to take care of you too. 

Here are the things that people won’t remind you to do; 

Stop and breath. 

Make sure to get sleep.

Eat properly. 

Take time to process things as needed.

Don’t be afraid to say “I don’t know.” 

You don’t have to agree to anything you do not want to.

Don’t place unreasonable expectations on yourself or allow anyone else to.

Healing happens at all levels and stages, don’t minimize your progress. 

Take care of yourself before you take care of everyone else. 

Self-care isn’t selfish, it’s a necessity.

The Things We Keep Inside

Childhood is hard. Adulthood is hard. Being a human being is hard. Being a DECENT human being is even harder.  It's impossible to go through life completely unscathed... no one can do it. Every single moment, every single experience we have... shapes the people that we become. This can be to the better or for the worse. I don't believe that people are born "bad"  or good either one... I think they are all born "neutral" and then their experiences and basic personalities shape them into the people they become.

For most of us, we're just you're average, garden variety good person. In my case, I'm a pretty good person who got handed several bad hands in life. I ended up being abused most of my life and now have to deal with the aftermath of being abused, which includes PTSD, dissociative disorder due to Complex Trauma and a host of other mental and emotional issues. The average person walking past me on the street would never be able to see or guess that I struggle daily with just getting up, being present in the moment and surviving another day.

So it is with the things we keep inside.

In the case of a few of my abusers, they hid a deep evil inside of them... a part of them that THRIVED on hurting other people, especially a defenseless woman less than half their size. In my case, I was abused in various forms throughout my entire life... I keep a lot hidden away from people that I encounter in daily life, casual acquaintances - anyone who isn't "safe." For me to let down my guard and show anyone the things I keep inside, it takes a long time and a lot of effort and trust - believe me, I'm not going to tell a brand-new friend all about my past or my feelings or thoughts!

Each of us carries "baggage" from our pasts with us as we go about our daily lives and we aren't typically unpacking and repacking it. Things get pretty scary if someone tries to mess with our inner selves, especially if that is how we are keeping ourselves safe. That emotionally distant person you know - they're not just an "unemotional asshole," they've usually been hurt badly and are trying to stay back from people and situations that might cause them harm.

Everyone has things inside them that we can't see. Sometimes it's good and just a way of protecting ourselves - although this can be taken too far... other times, it's something negative or evil that the person lets out for their own amusement at other's expense. Our inner selves are typically our true selves.. in my case, I've got an angry, scared inner child who's tired of fighting her demons... but she tries again another day, every single day.

I hide the pain, the anger, the frustration... and I continue on my way through this journey called life.. taking a little bit out at a time and trying to deal with it. I'm making progress, but my inner self is still extremely fragile. But I'll get there. And in the meantime, I'll keep things inside that I feel need to be kept inside in order to protect myself.

The Things We Ignore

Whenever you know that someone is abusive to someone else, that they are harming others, you are just as culpable in the abuse if you don't speak up or attempt to stop them. Yes, the blame for abuse should always lie with those that abuse... but those who know and attempt to do nothing, are just as responsible as those who are actively committing the abuse.

Abuse of another person, in any shape or form, is a crime. If you don't speak up, if you simply ignore it or "don't want to get involved," you are choosing to allow the abuse to continue, and that is just as much a crime as the abuser is committing.

Every single person on this planet deserves to live a life of peace and happiness, to live in safety and freedom. NO ONE deserves to be harmed or abused. We all have an ethical and moral responsibility to speak up and make attempts to stop abuse when we see it.

For those that would argue that if someone is being abused, they should just "leave" ... it's never that simple. Someone being abused is in fear, they have been emotionally and mentally beaten down, their abuser has convinced them that they can't live without the abuser or that they will be unable to survive without the abuser. The average victim of domestic violence leaves about 7 times before they are finally able to leave their abuser completely.

And then there are children in abusive situations (often one parent is also being abused by the other... in some cases both parents are abusing the child/children)... they can't simply leave the situation and outside intervention is vital and necessary. Don't simply stand by or shake your head and act like there's nothing you can do. Speak up. Refer the situation to the proper authorities with any evidence you might have.

A final word: Verbal abuse is just as damaging, if not more so, than physical abuse. Speak up. Don't let it slide or act like it's no big deal. If you do, you're just as guilty as the abuser.

Letting Go Of The Things That Hurt Us

Life is hard. I mean, really hard. Often, we struggle through life, carrying our baggage with us and we simply muddle along until something makes us stop and set the baggage down and leave it behind. Some of us never set the baggage down, some carry that baggage through their entire lives - damaged, weighed down, causing damage to those that cross their paths.

When you're living with trauma, it's really easy to simply accept that the pain is just a part of life and so you begin to not even question whether or not that pain is NECESSARY. We don't stop to ask ourselves if we HAVE to carry that pain around, because we've just accepted that it simply IS. But, what if that pain isn't necessary? What if you could live your life without carrying a lifetime's worth of pain with you? Sounds amazing, right?

I am learning, after a lifetime of abuse and pain, that it's possible to let the pain go. But first, you have to be willing to let go of the things that hurt you - even if sometimes, the process of letting go of those things is painful. Sometimes, the things you are letting go of, are literal things... sometimes it's places, habits, even people. The process of letting go can be painful, but it's absolutely necessary if you're going to be able to move forward and away from the things that hurt you.

Repeating cycles, giving more chances, making the same choices over and over - all of this contributes to a negative cycle, it adds to your emotional and mental "baggage" and causes you to carry around intense pain. When this is a lifelong pain, it's hard to let it go, but letting it go is a vital part of your healing process. It's much easier to process your emotions and get your mental and emotional health on track if you let go of the things that hurt you before you begin trying to process - at a minimum, however, you let go of those things while you're working on healing.

You have a right to be safe, to be happy, secure - we all have a right to live our lives without pain, anger, fear or negativity. You DESERVE to be happy, to be able to love and be loved - in a healthy way - and you deserve to not have to carry around a lifetime's worth of pain. If there's someone or something in your life that's hurt you, that continues to hurt you - it's time to let it go. Don't keep holding onto the things that cause you pain - in the end, even though letting go might be painful, you'll be stronger and healthier for it.

If it's a person that you're struggling to let go of, you might feel guilty or want to keep them in your life out of a misguided sense of guilt or love. Don't. Sometimes we have to let go of people that we love, because they don't love us or care if they hurt us.You can love someone and not be able to have them in your life because it's just too painful. Do NOT feel guilty for this. Let them go with light, love and forgiveness... understand that their part in your journey is over.

This doesn't mean that you will never be hurt by people in your life in the future, but you can choose who to surround yourself with, what type of energies and emotions to surround yourself with. And that isn't a reason to feel guilty. In life, we have one chance to be happy, to be free. We have the right to be loved, to have peace, to be safe and have security. Only allow those in your circle that bring this to your life. Life is too short to be carrying around baggage and pain that can be unpacked and put away.

When a Friendship Implodes

I recently lost a friendship of four years. It wasn't over a minor issues. It was, perhaps, unavoidable. We both had differing ideas on what constituted "judging" and gentle, loving, honesty. She thought I was judging her for situations in her life, but was passing the same judgments she accused me of, onto my own life. I tried to be gentle and honest - without judgment of her or her choices - however, at the end of the day, we simply couldn't agree to disagree and move forward.

The thing is, this friendship started four and a half years ago during an extremely traumatic and stressful time in my life and hers both, which left us with a friendship, but also left us with a "trauma bond." Although neither of our situations at the time were related, we'd bonded over the similarities. Sometimes, friendships formed in this way will last a lifetime. However, in many cases, they will simply end over time, once the time of crisis is over with.

When you bond over something in your life that is awful, once one party - or even both - begin to heal and move past the trauma and stress of the situation, it becomes difficult to maintain that relationship if the sole glue holding the relationship together is the stress and turmoil of the situation you are in. In effect, these friendships will typically just "fizzle out" over time. In this instance, the friendship "imploded."

While I am proud of the fact that I did not resort to name-calling or personal insults, I did not raise my voice or say anything intentionally hurtful, I am hurt by the fact that she resorted to such tactics as she got extremely volatile when I set boundaries in place to protect myself and my mental and emotional health from a situation that she had going on.

I feel many things about this friendship ending - loss, sadness, frustration, perhaps a bit of anger, regret... and mainly, relief. I saw this coming a long time ago, although I don't think she did. I saw it coming, couldn't prevent it, but still kept trying to maintain a friendship that had itself become toxic for me. As our friendship imploded, I felt the tears roll down my face.

I love her and I will miss her. But I welcome peace and healing.

2nd Book Update : Fighting Fists of Fire

    Hello Everyone!
    My second book will be published by the end of July. I apologize for absolutely no word or updates concerning my books in the last few years... My life has been a complete roller coaster!
Please consider following me on Twitter or Instagram to keep updated, as well.
Twitter: @juliemichael82
Instagram: persephone2182

Now, on to more important issues.... about my second book!

My second book is nonfiction,  partial memoir, or, autobiography, and also a semi-guide or resource book about childhood abuse and domestic violence, as well as escaping from the cycle of abuse and trauma. It is called "Fighting Fists of Fire: An Escape from Domestic Violence." It starts from the beginning, my childhood and continues to where I am in my present life - finally healing and ensuring that the cycle of Domestic Violence and trauma stops with me.

When I have a firmer date for publication, I will let you all know! I look forward to sharing my journey with you@