On April 20th, 2018... my life changed (again!) in a split second. My ex-husband called to tell me that his wife had been in a car accident while bringing our 3 boys down to my house.
My heart. My world.
Literally stopped.
Everything suspended for a moment as I struggled to wrap my mind around what I was hearing and tried to grasp the severity of the situation.
There are no words to say in a situation like this. Nothing comes to mind. You can't focus on a single thought or word, but also grasp at every single word or thought. Struggling to hang on to anything you can, to try to make sense of something so utterly unexpected as to be unbelievable.
In the ensuing chaos, I realized that I'd been in the shower when the call came through.... had I? Really? Did I remember to shut the lights off? Did I hang my towel? I'd left conditioner in my hair and one leg unshaven as I threw whatever clothes I had on and my new husband and I rushed out the door to get to the accident scene.
I can attest to the fact that I was probably in shock by the time we reached the accident scene... my brain already going into a protective mode, which probably ultimately saved my sanity and that of those around me.
We picked my 13 year old son up from the scene, he, miraculously, no injuries other than a few very minor scratches and a seat belt bruise. We would take him to the trauma unit where my other 2 sons were being med-flighted.
Again. This is where a disconnect from reality occurred. I HEARD med-flight, I heard trauma and sedation. But it didn't register, because one of my 3 boys was perfectly fine, right in front of me and basically unscathed. Stepmom was okay, except for some bruises, scratches and some nasty cuts on her foot. Her 14 year old son and her and my ex-husband's baby were okay, too.
Nope. I can't even express what went through my mind when I saw my 7 year old son in the trauma bay. We would find that he had a severe concussion which resulted in some memory loss and personality changes, a broken arm, a gash on his head and I was totally unprepared for the amount of blood he was covered in and how still he was.
Some Mama instinct kept me from losing it completely, but I still struggled to stay calm and focused. Even now, the memory fills me with a deep pain and pure ice flows through my veins. There is no warmth when the memory hits... as there was no warmth that day or in the days that followed.
When my 10 year old arrived, I was already to a point of numbness that I can't even begin to explain... yet I felt the pain rip through me as if I were feeling every bit of their injuries myself. I struggled and struggled to decipher my emotions and thoughts. I pray I never feel that again.
My 10 year old son had a deep gash from the side of his head and across his cheekbone, he was missing a chunk of his arm that I could have put my fist in.
Wait. What? How can I so clinically and calmly state their injuries and not scream and cry whilst doing so? I don't know. Even now... I don't know. My life has ended and began all over again, multiple times... through the time in the trauma bays, to the time in ICU... to the week long hospital stay for both boys... the multiple surgeries my 10 year old had to repair his arm... the daily struggles with my 7 year old when he forgets something or we see a different personality than before. The survivor's guilt and PTSD that my 13 year old struggles with. All of us are carrying scars now, they are just physically visible on my 7 year old and 10 year old.
The moments we struggle through in life are what makes us who we are, those events in life that we don't plan or expect that could be so much worse, the ghosts of the past and memories of how things used to be. It all merges together, daily. Sometimes every moment of the day.
A mother's biggest fear is something happening to one of her children. The traumas that happen in life make one moment seem like a million lifetimes. And when it's more than one of your children, that makes it even more difficult.
Three months and four days ago, my heart stopped and began again. My world turned completely upside down with a pain that just won't go away. I have panic attacks when driving, my heart skips a beat when my phone rings - for fear of another accident or emergency, I have nightmares and my emotions are all over the place.
One moment I'm angry and wanting to blame someone... there isn't anyone to blame, that's why accidents are called accidents. One moment I'm terrified to let my children out of my sight. Another time I'm so sad for the pain they've gone through. And then I just feel an overwhelming heartbreak... I'm Mama and I couldn't prevent it or fix it. I couldn't protect my babies.
Three months and four days... and the healing journey is still only just beginning.
