36 Years and a Day

Yesterday, I turned 36. I have really rather struggled about being in my 30's in the last few years. I probably will continue to do so off and on.

I struggled because I felt like I needed to have met so many "milestones" and levels of success that "most" people have done by my age. I struggled because I felt like I was getting "old" and I've basically "wasted" my life. (Please notice the frequent quotation marks for later reference.)

I realized something today... every single one of us has a reason for being here. We all have a purpose, even when we don't know what it is. We live the lives we live for a reason. Whether I've made the choices or not,  I'm right here where I am meant to be. My life is being what it is supposed to be. Because I matter. Everyone in this world matters.

There is no "right way" or "wrong way," everyone is where they are for a reason. We make choices, for right or wrong, and they are the choices that we individually have to make to become the person we are to become.

So, starting today,  I'm going to quit living my life in quotation marks, outside of the "should" and "have to" areas in life. We're free to make our choices, but they all take us down the path we need to follow for ourselves. 

Stop putting quotation marks around your life and simply make your statement, make your mark on this world... in the way that only you can.

3 Months and 4 Days Later

On April 20th, 2018... my life changed (again!) in a split second. My ex-husband called to tell me that his wife had been in a car accident while bringing our 3 boys down to my house.

My heart. My world.
Literally stopped.

Everything suspended for a moment as I struggled to wrap my mind around what I was hearing and tried to grasp the severity of the situation.

There are no words to say in a situation like this. Nothing comes to mind. You can't focus on a single thought or word, but also grasp at every single word or thought. Struggling to hang on to anything you can, to try to make sense of something so utterly unexpected as to be unbelievable. 

In the ensuing chaos, I realized that I'd been in the shower when the call came through.... had I? Really? Did I remember to shut the lights off? Did I hang my towel? I'd left conditioner in my hair and one leg unshaven as I threw whatever clothes I had on and my new husband and I rushed out the door to get to the accident scene. 

I can attest to the fact that I was probably in shock by the time we reached the accident scene... my brain already going into a protective mode, which probably ultimately saved my sanity and that of those around me.

We picked my 13 year old son up from the scene, he, miraculously, no injuries other than a few very minor scratches and a seat belt bruise. We would take him to the trauma unit where my other 2 sons were being med-flighted.

Again. This is where a disconnect from reality occurred. I HEARD med-flight, I heard trauma and sedation. But it didn't register, because one of my 3 boys was perfectly fine, right in front of me and basically unscathed. Stepmom was okay, except for some bruises, scratches and some nasty cuts on her foot. Her 14 year old son and her and my ex-husband's baby were okay, too.

Nope. I can't even express what went through my mind when I saw my 7 year old son in the trauma bay. We would find that he had a severe concussion which resulted in some memory loss and personality changes, a broken arm, a gash on his head and I was totally unprepared for the amount of blood he was covered in and how still he was.

Some Mama instinct kept me from losing it completely, but I still struggled to stay calm and focused. Even now,  the memory fills me with a deep pain and pure ice flows through my veins. There is no warmth when the memory hits... as there was no warmth that day or in the days that followed.

When my 10 year old arrived, I was already to a point of numbness that I can't even begin to explain... yet I felt the pain rip through me as if I were feeling every bit of their injuries myself. I struggled and struggled to decipher my emotions and thoughts.  I pray I never feel that again.
My 10 year old son had a deep gash from the side of his head and across his cheekbone, he was missing a chunk of his arm that I could have put my fist in.

Wait. What? How can I so clinically and calmly state their injuries and not scream and cry whilst doing so? I don't know. Even now... I don't know. My life has ended and began all over again, multiple times... through the time in the trauma bays, to the time in ICU... to the week long hospital stay for both boys... the multiple surgeries my 10 year old had to repair his arm... the daily struggles with my 7 year old when he forgets something or we see a different personality than before. The survivor's guilt and PTSD that my 13 year old struggles with. All of us are carrying scars now, they are just physically visible on my 7 year old and 10 year old.

The moments we struggle through in life are what makes us who we are, those events in life that we don't plan or expect that could be so much worse, the ghosts of the past and memories of how things used to be. It all merges together, daily. Sometimes every moment of the day.

A mother's biggest fear is something happening to one of her children. The traumas that happen in life make one moment seem like a million lifetimes. And when it's more than one of your children, that makes it even more difficult.

Three months and four days ago, my heart stopped and began again. My world turned completely upside down with a pain that just won't go away. I have panic attacks when driving, my heart skips a beat when my phone rings - for fear of another accident or emergency, I have nightmares and my emotions are all over the place.

One moment I'm angry and wanting to blame someone... there isn't anyone to blame, that's why accidents are called accidents. One moment I'm terrified to let my children out of my sight. Another time I'm so sad for the pain they've gone through. And then I just feel an overwhelming heartbreak... I'm Mama and I couldn't prevent it or fix it. I couldn't protect my babies.

Three months and four days... and the healing journey is still only just beginning.

Knowing Your Limitations

I have had a recent epiphany. After several months of stress and many unexpected changes, I've found myself in the position of finally needing to slow myself down.

As someone who struggles with severe anxiety, as well as chronic pain and arthritis, I find myself having days that are truly a struggle to get through.  I find myself struggling to get showered and changed for the day, struggling to keep up with two toddlers and seven other kids who all need something different from me.

The simplest tasks keep me busy, I struggle to get everything done that I feel I need to get done. When it hurts to walk because your body is basically attacking itself or your chest is hurting and you can barely breathe due to being anxious or stressed, the effects can be completely crippling.

I miss feeling like a normal person, I miss being able to do whatever I wanted or needed to do without feeling like my own body hates me and is imploding on itself. When I feel as though I'm ready to jump out of my own skin because I can't get the pain to stop - there aren't enough words to describe the level of frustration I feel.

Yes, folks, this post is about me and all about me. I'm having a bad pain day and I don't like it. I'm tired of being tired all the time, I'm tired of being frustrated or feeling pretty useless.

I've found myself agreeing to things that I ended up stressing myself and my body out over. I've found myself angry with myself and the situation.

No one with anxiety OR chronic pain wants to feel like this. None of us want to be a burden on our spouses,  partners or friends. We don't like asking for help and we don't like not being able to do simple things asked of us. But a lot of us eventually realize that, sometimes, despite our best efforts and intentions, we DO have limitations.

The struggle with anxiety is real. The struggle with chronic pain is real. I'm not crazy and neither is anyone else struggling with anxiety or chronic pain, or, in many cases, both. 

Please don't tell me to just suck it up and deal or to just get over it. Believe me, if it were that simple,  I'd have already done so. I have 9 very active children, a husband, a home, work, friends and family. I don't have time to  be sick or tired. I don't have time to hurt.

But, there it is. I still hurt, I still have severe anxiety, and I have to make the time to deal with the worst of days. 

I might spend weeks with no pain or anxiety and then it hits out if nowhere, much like I imagine getting hit by a freight train would.  I might start the day just fine and then in the middle of the day or an errand or chore, find myself out of energy, in pain or having severe chest pain and find myself out of breath.

This isn't something I chose or wanted. I work with my doctors to find solutions, but often find myself with no answers or trying, yet again, another medicine or supplement.

I just have to continue the struggle and keep moving forward. Life is happening at warp speed, but I want to participate as much as possible.

Foodstamps Doesn't Mean Lazy

Just because someone receives foodstamps doesn't mean that they don't work or that they're lazy. I wish people would stop with the ignorant assumptions. 

There are huge amounts of people who receive foodstamps who DO work. Many of them are in the class that most people forget about "the working poor."  With the high costs of living in most areas and the lack of decent paying jobs, it's almost impossible for many people to live without some type of assistance. No matter how much they work. 

There are then those who DON'T qualify for foodstamps that make a "liveable" wage but they have to pay higher costs to get medical covzerage or pay for medicines.

Some people have to pay high payments on a not worth it car, just to be able to get to that low paying job to be able to survive. And then they have huge costs to be able to have medical coverage or insurance or to pay for their medications.

It drives me crazy that people assume people who receive food stamps don't work. Most of the time, that's simply not the case.

Many people are living paycheck to paycheck and are one paycheck (or lack thereof) away from homelessness. People become homeless for a variety of reasons... for some, it could be that an unexpected vehicle repair takes all the money in the household.

You can't leave the vehicle not running because you have to be able to get to and from work to keep your income. If you lose transportation, you could lose your job, many do. A high utility bill can take away a family's grocery money for an entire month.

Most people that get foodstamps are either disabled or working-class people simply trying to get by.

If people want to solve the foodstamp problem and fix the government budget,  change the extremely high costs for basic medical care. Make childcare accessible and affordable. Make the costs of living lower.

This isn't a foodstamp program issue. It's an economy and basic living issue. Everyone has a basic human right to have clean water, food, a shelter over their heads, access to medical and dental care. Until these problems are fixed, then the problems will persist.

As with any system, there will be those who will attempt to abuse it or commit fraud. They're not the majority though. Cutting essential programs to deter a few will hurt the ones who really need the help.

Foodstamps, Lobster and Steak

If everyone who claimed to personally see foodstamp recipients buying lobster and steak with foodstamps actually saw this, then the entire foodstamp program would be shut down already. One or two stories heard 4th or 5th hand doesn't make a truth.
"My cousin's uncle's pet parakeet's owner's sister's grandma's brother saw it, so it must be true."

#sigh #smdh #9kids #foodstamps #reform #welfare #families

Why a Box of Food Won't Replace Foodstamp Benefits

Okay. So. For the many of you out there who think that giving families boxed and canned food of the government's choosing to replace food stamp benefits is a great and wonderful idea - let's be completely realistic.
IT WON'T WORK. PERIOD. 
Why? Because the problem isn't providing people with inexpensive food to fill a need. That's an excuse the elite are using to justify further punishing those who dare to be lower class and lower income than themselves.
Implementing a program to distribute food to food stamp recipients and cut funding is absolutely asinine and completely just not going to work. It's just another example of how off kilter our society is... it's another war between the haves and have nots.
The cost of implementing a program like this would probably cost double to triple what current benefits are being distributed. It will be inconvenient. They'll have to implement measures to prevent fraud, open new agencies or departments to implement and maintain said program, as well as make sure they aren't taking current needed benefits away from those who truly need the assistance.
And guess what? It won't solve the problem, all the "fraud." There are always going to people who are going to game and fraud a system in place. Always. That's a part of our society that won't change. So there is absolutely no point in replacing a flawed but fairly effective system with another flawed and less effective system.
Very few people who are receiving food stamp benefits are unemployed,  very few are committing fraud, there are very few who are doing drugs. Most are hardworking, employed members of society who have families and they have the audacity to be poor.
People who constantly talk about the so-called lobster and steak buyers that they claim to have personally seen in the grocery stores, please, do us all a favor. Sit down and hush!
Yes, there are going to be people committing fraud... report them! But, I know that there are many who are simply working hard, still need a little help and they have as much right to be able to feed their families as anyone with more money who doesn't need the help.
Why is our society so willing to fight over FOOD, A basic human right and necessity?

The Government Wants to Give Foodstamp Recipients a Box of Food, With a Catch!

The United States Government has decided that it's time to reform the SNAP Program. Known as "food stamps," the Supplemental Nutrition Assistant Program has long been under fire as being a form of "welfare," with many opponents of the program arguing that SNAP is just another over -budget program that is being exploited by those committing fraud to receive benefits.

So, there are some in government who have proposed giving recipients a box of of food each month while slicing monetary food purchase benefits by half of their current rates. They are suggesting this would be a cheaper option that would better help recipients than the ability to purchase their own food with their own and their family members' dietary requirements and desires in mind.
Many, who are unfamiliar with the program, current struggles in the low and middle income bracets, are arguing that this is just the boost that our government budget and national economy need to help force those who need assistance to get off their collective rear ends and stop being a leach on society and find gainful and profitable employment.
This entire idea and mindset needs to stop. Cutting SNAP benefits in half and giving people a box of food as a replacement won't help anything in the long run and it will just get worse.
 As with any program, there are people who abuse it out there... but those are really fewer and further between than what everyone thinks. And it's absolutely asinine to think this would help anything.  The cost of implementing this and maintaining it would cost more than the little bit of fraud that is actually currently committed.

And before anyone starts on the bandwagon of "Maybe people will get off their asses and get jobs" - most people who receive SNAP benefits actually DO work and STILL don't make enough to be able to feed themselves and their families without assistance.
Yes, even the ones who pay taxes and don't get tax refunds back. It's amazing to me that in today's society, even double minimum wage can barely be a liveable wage for anyone, even a single person,  let along families with children. And if you do happen to be one of the unfortunate ones who are disabled,  and find yourself living on disability,  you might be faced with living on one half to two thirds of the income that you would earn on MINIMUM wage.
Those who earn a "middle class" income can easily find themselves with no money for food, depending on the cost of living in their area, job benefits or lack thereof, such as insurance or medical care, a loss of income, a death of a partner, divorce, etc. Should they be penalized for not having enough for food less than those who live in true poverty?
Yes, our government welfare and social programs need to be changed and overhauled. But not at the expense of their own beneficiaries, especially those who need the assistance. And just because someone is poor, does not and should not mean that they deserve less quality food or less food than another person. Food is a basic human right and necessity. Taking food from people who need it, doesn't serve those who don't need it, except to take away their own humanity and compassion.

Family Monopoly Fued

https://youtu.be/ujvUR1jGcUg

Real Life With 9 Kids

I'M A MOM. Those 3 words by themselves,  not such a big deal, there are lots and lots of moms in this big world of ours.  So, let me add to that. I'M A MOM... WITH 9 KIDS. There. That's the short and simple of my complicated reality. I have 9 awesome children... who might just end up being the death of me. 

9 kids is a lot. I mean, a lot. There's never a moment of quiet in my house... if it's quiet, the kids are either gone or sick or something.  We're always overrun with kids and chaos. There's always something going on and something needing to be done. 

Life with kids is messy. Life with 9 kids, even messier. There are 9 amazing human beings that I'm responsible for raising into responsible, compassionate, productive adults. That's a huge undertaking, and it can be overwhelming at times. .. especially when everything happens all at once. 

9 kids means dishes and laundry are constantly piling up, there's clutter everywhere, no one has enough space and there are lots of arguments and disagreements. My bathroom - especially  with 7 boys and a husband - is in a constant state of disarray, the toilet seat is left up half the time, someone almost always forgets to flush or replace the toilet paper roll.

Milk is a hot commodity around here, along with bread and bananas. We run out frequently and often have to make quick store runs.. feeding 7 to 9 kids at any given time is expensive and requires a lot of planning and energy. 

But, with all the challenges and crisis moments that come with raising 9 kids... we also have a lot of love. We have built in friends and playmates, we have a built in support system,  everyone has each other's backs and we have a strong family. I wouldn't trade this crazy life of mine for anything. My children are amazing and they inspire me daily to keep trying and to do better, for them and myself. 

With 9 kids, we have a challenge to meet. My husband stepped into this already made family of myself and 9 kids and just dived right in and started helping. We are blessed to have each other and all these wonderful kids.  My heart overflows with love and gratitude for my blessings, even when things get hard.

That's real life with 9 kids.

Life,love,home, family, real,life,mom,mommy,momlife,9kids

Money for walking!

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Mommy Guilt

As moms, even when we're doing everything "right," we tend to feel an irrational "guilt" that we're not good enough. It's tragic,  really, that most poor parenting comes from our own insecurities and unreasonable guilt.

 Even when there's truly an issue with our parenting,  that irrational guilt or thinking we're the worst will keep us from seeking outside help. Not just from fear of being judged, but because we're already judging ourselves.