Thoughts On Parenting Teenagers

Okay, Everyone... Parenting is, hands down, the hardest job you'll ever have in your life. Every individual who has raised a child knows this. From birth and through your child's adulthood, parenting is hard.

Children don't come with instruction manuals. Heaven knows, if that were the case, then the journey of parenthood would be so much easier. That's just not the way parenting works, however.

I remember be a young, teenage mother-to-be... Very determined to try to raise my children right and determined to prove everyone wrong. To prove, in fact, that teenage mothers can still be good mothers. I devoured parenting book after parenting book. I was determined to not make all the same mistakes my own parents had. To, in fact, be a superior parent than they had been.

Then my oldest child was born. And when my oldest child was about 6 months old, I proceeded to throw out each and every one of those parenting books. Why? Not because I had learned to be a perfect parent (Ha! Those don't exist!), but because those parenting books all made me realize something.

There is no "one size fits all" method that works when it comes to parenting. No single thing works for every parent, no single thing works for every child. Indeed, parenting has taught me that we don't really know squat when it comes to raising our children, all parents start out not knowing how to be a parent and just when you think you have it all figured out... Your kid goes out of their way to show you that you don't.

Teenagers. Oh, they're an entirely different set of challenges. Parenting requires you to have the patience of a saint and nerves of steel. Especially if your child is just like you.

I get it. Teenage years are hard. There are social pressures that most adults have gladly forgotten about, academic pressures that can be nerve-wracking to any child or adult, then you add hormone changes, emotional changes and your child trying to find their place and direction in life.

I think that by the time our children reach their teenage years, most parents have forgotten just how lost or confused they felt during their own teenagehood. Most of us gladly leave the peer pressure, highschool drama and snarkiness, stress over tests,  deciding on college or not, learning to chart the waters of dating, etc - behind.

I have a ridiculous amount of children. 9, to be exact. I always wanted a large family - boy, did I get it! I currently have 5 teenagers, who have various living situations. Navigating those situations and relationships is difficult, even on a good day. When the days are bad, they're really bad.

Every child needs something different from me. And I also have 2 middles and 2 toddlers. My life is crazy chaos on a calm day. But my life with teenagers is it's own special brand of craziness.

See, my teenagers are ready to go forth into the world and be the adults they are becoming. I couldn't be more proud of ANY of them. But it's hard.

One moment your teen is going to love you and respect you, the next moment he or she is going to think you are Satan incarnate and only out to ruin his or her life. There will be laughter, tears, many uncomfortable moments and even screaming - maybe you, maybe them.

At the end of the day, your teenager just wants reassurance that you love them and that you're there for them. The hardest part of being a parent, for me, is giving my children room to make mistakes and deal with the consequences in as controlled and safe manner as possible.

And then you simply have to hope and pray you've done enough to teach them how to get through it all in one piece. While holding on to the nearest handle and praying you survive it too.

Teenagers don't mean to drive their parents crazy, it's due to all the inner and outer chaos they're dealing with. It's part of growing up. And sometimes, you're growing up right alongside them.

3 Months and 4 Days Later

On April 20th, 2018... my life changed (again!) in a split second. My ex-husband called to tell me that his wife had been in a car accident while bringing our 3 boys down to my house.

My heart. My world.
Literally stopped.

Everything suspended for a moment as I struggled to wrap my mind around what I was hearing and tried to grasp the severity of the situation.

There are no words to say in a situation like this. Nothing comes to mind. You can't focus on a single thought or word, but also grasp at every single word or thought. Struggling to hang on to anything you can, to try to make sense of something so utterly unexpected as to be unbelievable. 

In the ensuing chaos, I realized that I'd been in the shower when the call came through.... had I? Really? Did I remember to shut the lights off? Did I hang my towel? I'd left conditioner in my hair and one leg unshaven as I threw whatever clothes I had on and my new husband and I rushed out the door to get to the accident scene. 

I can attest to the fact that I was probably in shock by the time we reached the accident scene... my brain already going into a protective mode, which probably ultimately saved my sanity and that of those around me.

We picked my 13 year old son up from the scene, he, miraculously, no injuries other than a few very minor scratches and a seat belt bruise. We would take him to the trauma unit where my other 2 sons were being med-flighted.

Again. This is where a disconnect from reality occurred. I HEARD med-flight, I heard trauma and sedation. But it didn't register, because one of my 3 boys was perfectly fine, right in front of me and basically unscathed. Stepmom was okay, except for some bruises, scratches and some nasty cuts on her foot. Her 14 year old son and her and my ex-husband's baby were okay, too.

Nope. I can't even express what went through my mind when I saw my 7 year old son in the trauma bay. We would find that he had a severe concussion which resulted in some memory loss and personality changes, a broken arm, a gash on his head and I was totally unprepared for the amount of blood he was covered in and how still he was.

Some Mama instinct kept me from losing it completely, but I still struggled to stay calm and focused. Even now,  the memory fills me with a deep pain and pure ice flows through my veins. There is no warmth when the memory hits... as there was no warmth that day or in the days that followed.

When my 10 year old arrived, I was already to a point of numbness that I can't even begin to explain... yet I felt the pain rip through me as if I were feeling every bit of their injuries myself. I struggled and struggled to decipher my emotions and thoughts.  I pray I never feel that again.
My 10 year old son had a deep gash from the side of his head and across his cheekbone, he was missing a chunk of his arm that I could have put my fist in.

Wait. What? How can I so clinically and calmly state their injuries and not scream and cry whilst doing so? I don't know. Even now... I don't know. My life has ended and began all over again, multiple times... through the time in the trauma bays, to the time in ICU... to the week long hospital stay for both boys... the multiple surgeries my 10 year old had to repair his arm... the daily struggles with my 7 year old when he forgets something or we see a different personality than before. The survivor's guilt and PTSD that my 13 year old struggles with. All of us are carrying scars now, they are just physically visible on my 7 year old and 10 year old.

The moments we struggle through in life are what makes us who we are, those events in life that we don't plan or expect that could be so much worse, the ghosts of the past and memories of how things used to be. It all merges together, daily. Sometimes every moment of the day.

A mother's biggest fear is something happening to one of her children. The traumas that happen in life make one moment seem like a million lifetimes. And when it's more than one of your children, that makes it even more difficult.

Three months and four days ago, my heart stopped and began again. My world turned completely upside down with a pain that just won't go away. I have panic attacks when driving, my heart skips a beat when my phone rings - for fear of another accident or emergency, I have nightmares and my emotions are all over the place.

One moment I'm angry and wanting to blame someone... there isn't anyone to blame, that's why accidents are called accidents. One moment I'm terrified to let my children out of my sight. Another time I'm so sad for the pain they've gone through. And then I just feel an overwhelming heartbreak... I'm Mama and I couldn't prevent it or fix it. I couldn't protect my babies.

Three months and four days... and the healing journey is still only just beginning.

Mommy Guilt

As moms, even when we're doing everything "right," we tend to feel an irrational "guilt" that we're not good enough. It's tragic,  really, that most poor parenting comes from our own insecurities and unreasonable guilt.

 Even when there's truly an issue with our parenting,  that irrational guilt or thinking we're the worst will keep us from seeking outside help. Not just from fear of being judged, but because we're already judging ourselves.

Rough Beginnings to 2015

As 2015 gets off to a start, it's already shaping up to be a rocky few months... here's my thought process right now.

Men, if you don't want kids or to be a father, wrap up your "toy." You don't earn man points or respect simply because you can impregnate someone or have multiple kids by different women. A real MAN will help support his children financially and will be involved in his children's lives.

I never wanted to be a single parent. It's really difficult to try to be in the role of both mom AND dad. But, I do my best. At the end of the day, my kids will respect that and appreciate it. I will teach my daughters to be self sufficient and to depend on only themselves, don't expect or trust a man to do it for you. I will teach ALL of my children the importance of financial and relationship stability before having children. And I will teach my sons to be decent men, to know the importance of truth and monogamy... and for pete's sake, not to be assholes!

There you have it. I didn't want or ask to be a single Mom... BUT, I have this handled and I will takr care of my kids. I will be Mom and Dad both. So, carry on, everyone... just thought I'd throw that out there! ‪#‎igotthis‬ ‪#‎singlemom‬‪#‎deadbeats‬ ‪#‎lovemykids‬