A Day In My Life With 2 Toddlers

So, if you've followed me for any length of time, you already know I have 9 children... ranging in ages from 19, down to age 2 1/2. I had my first 5 children within 5 years of each other... then spaced out numbers 6 and 7 out over another 5 years. I had baby number 8 when baby number 7 was 5, baby number 9 followed 16 months later. My life is pure insanity sometimes... even the older ones who don't live with me can contribute to this... Mom's life is filled with stress and worry for all of her children.

I absolutely adore all of my children - from the semi-bratty teenagers, all the way down to my littlest miniature dictator toddler. However, they completely exhaust me! The toddlers, that is. With two toddlers in the house - ages 3 and 2, my life is absolutely never boring. They are always getting into things, fussing over the same toy, loudly shouting the words "NO!!" or "MINE!" over things that are most definitely not theirs or over things that they most definitely need to do or not do.

I never imagined "starting over" and having anymore children after I turned 30. But here I am, at the age of 36 (almost 37) with my last two babies being "start-over babies." I don't remember being this exhausted when my older kids were younger, even though there were more of them and they had to have been just as "busy" as these two. Maybe it's because I was younger, perhaps it's selective amnesia. Joking. Maybe?

My days with two toddlers consist of attempting to wake up before they do to make sure they don't get into anything they aren't supposed to, making breakfast - half of which ends up not eaten, bathing and dressing them.Working on potty-training two of them at once, while trying to convince them that they have to wear clothes - walking around nude all the time simply isn't an option! Removing any dangerous objects from their line of sight or reach - which they always seem to immediately gravitate towards!

Then I remove random objects from their mouths, things that they feel the need to taste or try to eat that most definitely aren't food. Definitely a Mom, because I simply hold out my hand and tell them to spit whatever it is out into my hand... no matter what it is, I never bat an eye. Wiping snotty noses, convincing them to wash their hands and to PLEASE stop playing in the toilet! No, you can't take a bath for the 7th time today... the bathtub isn't a swimming pool!

PLEASE, don't bite your brother! Your siblings aren't food! Oh, we're hungry again... oh, I see, you're going to snub something that you simply couldn't get enough of for the last 5 days. SIGH. We're only halfway through the day.

Then we go through futile attempts at a nap-time. Nope. Too bad, Mommy... no naps for us today. Dang. But *I* wanted a nap, My Loves! Uh oh, time to take the toy they're fighting over away. Maybe the next 6.... because, "Toddler Rules." We have to go to the store. We take two hours to get completely ready, only for them to both have their shoes off by the time we reach the store that's 5 minutes away. Put the shoes back on and unload from the vehicle.

Yep, I can understand why some parents use toddler "leashes." Really hard to chase two toddlers headed in opposite directions while trying to carry a couple of items I'm planning to purchase. And this is just at the convenience store. Not very convenient. No shopping carts to semi-corral them in! We fare a little better at Wal-Mart, until I have a momentary lapse in judgement and accidentally get the cart too close to a display or shelf and then toddler hands proceed to knock things down or add things to the cart.

Two hours later, we're finally home again. Gotta unload the babies, then unload the groceries. Yes, you guys can watch tv while Mommy puts things away. Oh, but you'd rather start playing with everything I just bought. (No wonder things get misplaced and I end up buying duplicates or replacements a day or two later!) There. Things are finally put away.

Dinner time. Oh, but it's floor food instead. I guess the floor was "hungry." Sometimes they just don't want to eat whatever I've made, other times they just have to throw it in the floor and then decide they want it. I know it doesn't sound like it, but I've been teaching them table manners. I don't know... sometimes I think a pack of wolves would do a better job at raising toddlers than I am!

Chill time, then it's finally bed time. Well, if they'd only just lay down and stop wanting to get up to get into things or harass each other. They want to sleep with me. Great! We can all get to sleep fairly quick then. Oh, guess not. THEY get to sleep fairly quickly. Mommy gets kidney kicked, throat punched, gets the blanket stolen and sharp little feet in her ribs.

Whoever said that pregnancy or having a newborn was the worst time to try to sleep as a parent has never tried sleeping with even one toddler, let alone two! It's 2am. Mommy's exhausted. And my day starts again in about 5 hours. :SIGH:

I love my babies. They just exhaust me! Whoever said that having kids keeps you young, doesn't have kids or doesn't realize that the only reason they keep you young is because you regress to toddler tantrums when you're this exhausted... so you're basically on your kid's level.

One day, that feels like it lasts an insanely long amount of time, but goes by too fast... all at the same time.

My New Life

So recently I made a pretty drastic (for me) change. I moved 2 hours from where I was living and moved into a 5th wheel camper.

There were multiple reasons for doing so... But I'll get into those at another time. But for now... I'm adjusting to living in a smaller space with my littles and my teenage daughter. We had too much "stuff" anyway, so now is as good a time as any to learn to declutter.

I'm currently waiting to start a job. My 3 year old had surgery a week and a half ago to get his tonsils and adenoids taken out. His post-op appointment is at the 2 week mark, so then I can focus on going back to work.

Money is tight, stress is a little high... But for the first time in my life, I'm finding peace and don't feel a sense of dread about what the future holds.

I've taken to calling the camper my "tiny house" or "gypsy trailer." I'm viewing this as an adventure.. Not yet another restart. It's actually both, but I'm excited about it.

And maybe I'll finally get organized in the process...

Knowing Your Limitations

I have had a recent epiphany. After several months of stress and many unexpected changes, I've found myself in the position of finally needing to slow myself down.

As someone who struggles with severe anxiety, as well as chronic pain and arthritis, I find myself having days that are truly a struggle to get through.  I find myself struggling to get showered and changed for the day, struggling to keep up with two toddlers and seven other kids who all need something different from me.

The simplest tasks keep me busy, I struggle to get everything done that I feel I need to get done. When it hurts to walk because your body is basically attacking itself or your chest is hurting and you can barely breathe due to being anxious or stressed, the effects can be completely crippling.

I miss feeling like a normal person, I miss being able to do whatever I wanted or needed to do without feeling like my own body hates me and is imploding on itself. When I feel as though I'm ready to jump out of my own skin because I can't get the pain to stop - there aren't enough words to describe the level of frustration I feel.

Yes, folks, this post is about me and all about me. I'm having a bad pain day and I don't like it. I'm tired of being tired all the time, I'm tired of being frustrated or feeling pretty useless.

I've found myself agreeing to things that I ended up stressing myself and my body out over. I've found myself angry with myself and the situation.

No one with anxiety OR chronic pain wants to feel like this. None of us want to be a burden on our spouses,  partners or friends. We don't like asking for help and we don't like not being able to do simple things asked of us. But a lot of us eventually realize that, sometimes, despite our best efforts and intentions, we DO have limitations.

The struggle with anxiety is real. The struggle with chronic pain is real. I'm not crazy and neither is anyone else struggling with anxiety or chronic pain, or, in many cases, both. 

Please don't tell me to just suck it up and deal or to just get over it. Believe me, if it were that simple,  I'd have already done so. I have 9 very active children, a husband, a home, work, friends and family. I don't have time to  be sick or tired. I don't have time to hurt.

But, there it is. I still hurt, I still have severe anxiety, and I have to make the time to deal with the worst of days. 

I might spend weeks with no pain or anxiety and then it hits out if nowhere, much like I imagine getting hit by a freight train would.  I might start the day just fine and then in the middle of the day or an errand or chore, find myself out of energy, in pain or having severe chest pain and find myself out of breath.

This isn't something I chose or wanted. I work with my doctors to find solutions, but often find myself with no answers or trying, yet again, another medicine or supplement.

I just have to continue the struggle and keep moving forward. Life is happening at warp speed, but I want to participate as much as possible.

The Government Wants to Give Foodstamp Recipients a Box of Food, With a Catch!

The United States Government has decided that it's time to reform the SNAP Program. Known as "food stamps," the Supplemental Nutrition Assistant Program has long been under fire as being a form of "welfare," with many opponents of the program arguing that SNAP is just another over -budget program that is being exploited by those committing fraud to receive benefits.

So, there are some in government who have proposed giving recipients a box of of food each month while slicing monetary food purchase benefits by half of their current rates. They are suggesting this would be a cheaper option that would better help recipients than the ability to purchase their own food with their own and their family members' dietary requirements and desires in mind.
Many, who are unfamiliar with the program, current struggles in the low and middle income bracets, are arguing that this is just the boost that our government budget and national economy need to help force those who need assistance to get off their collective rear ends and stop being a leach on society and find gainful and profitable employment.
This entire idea and mindset needs to stop. Cutting SNAP benefits in half and giving people a box of food as a replacement won't help anything in the long run and it will just get worse.
 As with any program, there are people who abuse it out there... but those are really fewer and further between than what everyone thinks. And it's absolutely asinine to think this would help anything.  The cost of implementing this and maintaining it would cost more than the little bit of fraud that is actually currently committed.

And before anyone starts on the bandwagon of "Maybe people will get off their asses and get jobs" - most people who receive SNAP benefits actually DO work and STILL don't make enough to be able to feed themselves and their families without assistance.
Yes, even the ones who pay taxes and don't get tax refunds back. It's amazing to me that in today's society, even double minimum wage can barely be a liveable wage for anyone, even a single person,  let along families with children. And if you do happen to be one of the unfortunate ones who are disabled,  and find yourself living on disability,  you might be faced with living on one half to two thirds of the income that you would earn on MINIMUM wage.
Those who earn a "middle class" income can easily find themselves with no money for food, depending on the cost of living in their area, job benefits or lack thereof, such as insurance or medical care, a loss of income, a death of a partner, divorce, etc. Should they be penalized for not having enough for food less than those who live in true poverty?
Yes, our government welfare and social programs need to be changed and overhauled. But not at the expense of their own beneficiaries, especially those who need the assistance. And just because someone is poor, does not and should not mean that they deserve less quality food or less food than another person. Food is a basic human right and necessity. Taking food from people who need it, doesn't serve those who don't need it, except to take away their own humanity and compassion.

People Suck Sometimes

You know, I don't understand what is wrong with people. I don't get why some people have to be so mean to other people or why they feel the need to be hateful or rude to those they supposedly love. Even if you don't particularly like someone, there's never an excuse to throw negativity out at them. If they are truly a bad person or have done something wrong, I really believe that Karma will come back and bite them in the ass, so why waste energy on negativity towards that person?

I really wish people wouldn't toss out negativity at others, especially when it's done as a defense mechanism to keep someone at a distance from them or as a way to hurt them before they themselves get hurt. I really wish that people could just learn to be nice and learn to treat others BETTER than they themselves would want to be treated. I get so tired of people who are constantly in a negative mind-set or who constantly throw out negativity at others.

Am I the only person who feels like this?

Confusion Reigns Supreme

Yep. I've decided that confusion is an inevitable part of life. Especially when it comes to interpersonal relationships and choosing your own personal path in life. What does one do whenever they are faced with numerous choices and potential paths and each outcome would be drastically different than another? Usually, I recommend that you sit down and write lists of pros and cons for each potential choice you could make.

However, sometimes this simply isn't enough. Especially when deep emotions are involved - the kind of emotions that one can't get over or get around, the kind of emotions that you can't push to the back while you make a decision. So what does one do whenever they are faced with this kind of choice? Honestly, I have no idea whatsoever. If you're facing two different choices and both carry such strong emotions that you can't make a decision, what's the deciding factor? I don't know that either.

When you feel like you're stuck in mud and just spinning your wheels, it's hard to know what to do. When the idea of making a choice sends you spinning and you feel as though you're free-falling into a never-ending abyss, what do you do? I wish I had the answers. All I know is that it happens in life, situations where we are faced with choices so drastic that either choice would change everything and then you are faced with trying to decide and simply don't know which direction to take, all because you can't get past emotions.

I'm a fairly logical person. Most of the time. I tend to analyze and even OVER analyze everything, but this time, analyzing things isn't helping. If anything, my logic and analytical skills are failing me. I think they may be making it worse. There are decisions I need to make, each choice I am facing carries such strong emotions with them that I can't see past the emotions of the decisions needing to be made. I feel like I'm stuck in quick-sand and simply unable to move. Paralyzed. Out of breath. Waiting.

But what am I waiting for? Maybe some sort of sign or signal as to which direction I should go? Maybe for something or someone to give me a clue about where I need to go and be? Maybe I should do nothing? Maybe I am just so confused and so emotional that I can't see my way around the choices before me, I know I have to make some decisions... I just don't know how to go about it.

For the first time in my life, I'm feeling more out of control and confused than I recall ever feeling. I HATE feeling so damn helpless and confused. I'm stronger than this. Now, if I can just figure it out......

Rants and Raves... And Why Ex's Usually Can't Be Friends

Yep. Divorce or splitting up with a partner isn't easy. Usually, it's extremely volatile, especially if children are involved. Even if you can manage to split with your partner relatively amicably, with little conflict, it's inevitable, if you have children, that there will eventually be a conflict. It's usually true that, at some point or another, your feelings in a relationship will change - from like or love to dislike or hate. If those feelings stay, then divorce or breaking up is inevitable.

But, back to my main point. Exes cannot usually be friends. Even when you plan on co-parenting and even if you intend on an amicable relationship with your ex, it's almost impossible to do so without any type of conflict when you have kids. We are all very different individuals. And, even if ending a relationship is amicable or even friendly, it's difficult to maintain that whenever differences or conflicts arise when you are raising children with someone you are no longer in a relationship with.

Sometimes, there are unresolved feelings or unresolved conflicts concerning the former marriage or relationship. This can spill over into conflicts when it comes to disagreements concerning the children. It's really easy to bring up past episodes of disagreements or actions of the other party when you are disagreeing about how to deal with situations concerning children, especially if the relationship was volatile or ended on a bitter note.

After being married and divorced three times and trying to co-parent with all three of my ex-husbands, I'm here to tell you that, despite being civil and attempting to co-parent, my exes and I are not friends. While we can be friendly for the sake of the children and we are usually successful at being civil, occasionally conflicts arise in which disagreements or conversations get volatile. I think this is more normal than exes truly being friends.

Mind you, I'm not saying that exes cannot be friends or that it's impossible, I'm just saying that it's simply not likely and not very common. I would suggest, if you are divorcing or are divorced, aim for being civil, try to mind your own business when it comes to your ex's life and don't volunteer excessive information about your own life to your ex. Exes are exes for a reason. Keep that in mind. 

Roll With The Changes

Life is funny. One minute you're on the straight and narrow path and you've got a plan, the next you've come upon a giant tree in the road and one side of the road has a cliff on it and the other is water. So what do you do then? Jump off in the water and hope you can swim? Do you dive off the cliff and hope you magically learn how to fly? Or do you try to find a way to go over that tree in the road?

What if I told you that, sometimes, it's a combination of the three? Sometimes you have to swim, sometimes you have to fly... other times you have to figure out a way over or through your obstacles. Life is full of changes. Indeed, in a single moment, things can change in the blink of an eye and it can seem that all of your well-made plans evaporate right before your eyes.

It's really easy to get discouraged and frustrated when things happen to mess up your plans, especially when it seems like you'll never get out from underneath the current crisis or stress. It's easy to tell someone else to "keep your chin up" or "don't give up hope," but it's quite another to take that advice to heart when it's you that's facing changes and uncertainty. But, sometimes the best way to get through something is to take your own advice, even if you have to fake it until you make it.

Nothing in life, not even bad circumstances or stress, is permanent. Things change so quickly, it's amazing how quickly we get ourselves worked up and stressed out... if only we'd be patient and see that something new and better is right around the corner, as long as we stay receptive to it and move with the changes. To get through change, sometimes you just gotta roll with it and keep holding on to hope and faith. Barring your own death, there's nothing in life so absolutely terrible that you can't find some way to get through it.

So, I suggest you get out there, work on climbing over that tree, jump off that cliff and fly or jump in the water and swim. Just keep going. There's always something good around the corner. 

Sunday Evening, Already!

Well, it's Sunday evening, already! Where do the weekends go? It seems like there's never any downtime. During the week, there's school, the kids' schoolwork, working and just taking care of the household. On weekends, that's when the kids and I get to (hopefully) do something fun and catch up on any extra errands or chores. Seems like we are constantly on the move, even when there's not much that really needs done.

Or is that just the way parenthood - especially SINGLE parenthood - goes? I think that being a parent - whether single, with a partner, working, staying at home, etc... it's all hard. The hardest job one will ever have. And it is one of the most under-appreciated or under-recognized jobs that a person can have. The kids and I are always relieved when the weekends come and there doesn't seem to be quite as much to do, yet we never seem to have that down-time that we need and want. :sigh:

I don't know about you, but my days are definitely not long enough, my weeks are too long and my weekends are just too short!

Randomly ranting, but living in light and love in 2014!

Just That Time of Year...

Well, I suppose it's just that time of year. Since right before Christmas, my kids have had Strep, a random cold and now another virus that mimics the flu. I guess it's normal for this time of year, especially when one has children of various ages and they attend public school. With so many little ones in the house, it's no surprise that we all get sick at once or one right after the other.

I think the best advice anyone can give another parent during this time of year is this: Make sure you and your kids get adequate amounts of sleep, make sure you stay well-hydrated and eat less junk food. Dress weather-appropriately and avoid spending too much time in extremes of temperature one way or another.

And, of course, make sure you wash your hands frequently with soap and water and keep your bed linens and towels washed and clean. Throw away toothbrushes after each illness and replace them to prevent likelihood of reinfection. Also, try to avoid eating or drinking after one another.

We're gonna get over this sickness this go round, and then hopefully we can avoid anymore for the rest of this season!

Here's to a healthier 2014, living in light and love! 

How Much is Too Much?

As a parent, there is often a dilemma of how much to tell your kids about things or what to tell them or not tell them. The hardest thing a parent will ever do is to tell their child the truth about a difficult subject. I am a major supporter of being honest with your children. There is absolutely no excuse to EVER lie to your child, even if you believe you might be protecting them.

The thing is, children are very sensitive and they seem to have bull-shit meter that picks up on EVERYTHING. If you lie to your children, they will know. They will also feel that because you lied to them, they cannot trust you. If you lie to your children, you are teaching them that it is okay to be dishonest, and that a lie is better than the truth to attempt to preserve someone's feelings.

All of that being said, when you are telling your child about something, a situation, etc... it is important to tell them in such a way that makes it easier for them to understand, make sure you leave an open dialogue so that they can ask questions, express their feelings on the issue and make sure you do not give them biased information.

Talking to your kids is difficult, especially if it's a matter concerning life and death, morality, interpersonal relationships, etc. If you and Grandma have a falling out and your child wants to know why Grandma isn't around much anymore, be sure you don't paint Grandma as an evil entity or the devil herself. Simply explain to your child that there is a disagreement between you and Grandma and that sometimes people distance themselves when there is a disagreement, but that it doesn't mean that Grandma loves the child any less.

See how simple you can make it? Be diplomatic, while telling the truth and don't put harmful ideas in your child's head. Children are pretty resilient and they have a large capacity for understanding, it's just important to remember that they are NOT miniature adults and that they are not always ready for certain information.

Getting My School Books Tuesday

After a rough first two semester in school, surviving a tornado and then taking a "break" of sorts over the summer, I'm finally a week away from my first day of classes for this semester. I'm going to get my books Tuesday. Let me just say, I'm super-excited!

I made some decisions over the summer and have changed my major from Nursing to Psychology. I think it will be a better fit for me career-wise and also just simply for the coursework required. Yep, I admit it, I'm not really scientifically inclined, not on the level necessary to make it through Nursing School. :)

All of my classes for this semester are online, due to transportation and child care issues and just for the convenience factor, since my days are so hectic as it is. Which in a way, makes me really happy, because it's a bit less stressful. But also, kind of sad, because I really enjoyed sitting through lectures and getting to know my classmates.  Maybe next semester.

Anyway, so I'm getting my books Tuesday. The kids and I are a week away from the first week of school. Yay! :)