Independence Day 2019

As I sit here on this Independence Day, I have no plans.. just myself and my two youngest kids, hanging out at home and watching tv. We won't be getting out to watch fireworks or anything. I have severe anxiety in large crowds, so taking two toddlers into large crowds or heavy traffic is the last thing I want to do. But we're enjoying the time together and I'm definitely enjoying the peace and my freedom.

While today is our nation's celebration of Independence, I'm also viewing it as my personal Independence Day celebration. Because for the first time in as long as I can remember, I'm happy... I have peace and quiet in my life, I'm not living anywhere with a partner who wants to fuss and fight, I'm not having to walk on eggshells around someone, I don't have to put up with things that are disrespectful or hurtful to myself and my children.

I am so thankful for my freedom, not just in my country, but for my personal freedom. I am thankful to live in a country where women have the right and the ability to not have to be subjugated to an abusive man, we aren't viewed as property and we have the right to be safe and happy. I'm thankful that I realized this and can find my happiness without interruption or interference.

If you are enjoying your freedom today, even if it's just your own personal Celebration of Independence, or if you're just thankful to live in a free country, thank a soldier or a veteran for their willingness to sign on the dotted line and willingness to sacrifice their very lives for your freedom. We have the right to freedom because many gave their lives for the privilege.

As for me, I'm celebrating the Independence of our country and my personal freedom from abuse and pain. It's a new day and a new life.

When a Friendship Implodes

I recently lost a friendship of four years. It wasn't over a minor issues. It was, perhaps, unavoidable. We both had differing ideas on what constituted "judging" and gentle, loving, honesty. She thought I was judging her for situations in her life, but was passing the same judgments she accused me of, onto my own life. I tried to be gentle and honest - without judgment of her or her choices - however, at the end of the day, we simply couldn't agree to disagree and move forward.

The thing is, this friendship started four and a half years ago during an extremely traumatic and stressful time in my life and hers both, which left us with a friendship, but also left us with a "trauma bond." Although neither of our situations at the time were related, we'd bonded over the similarities. Sometimes, friendships formed in this way will last a lifetime. However, in many cases, they will simply end over time, once the time of crisis is over with.

When you bond over something in your life that is awful, once one party - or even both - begin to heal and move past the trauma and stress of the situation, it becomes difficult to maintain that relationship if the sole glue holding the relationship together is the stress and turmoil of the situation you are in. In effect, these friendships will typically just "fizzle out" over time. In this instance, the friendship "imploded."

While I am proud of the fact that I did not resort to name-calling or personal insults, I did not raise my voice or say anything intentionally hurtful, I am hurt by the fact that she resorted to such tactics as she got extremely volatile when I set boundaries in place to protect myself and my mental and emotional health from a situation that she had going on.

I feel many things about this friendship ending - loss, sadness, frustration, perhaps a bit of anger, regret... and mainly, relief. I saw this coming a long time ago, although I don't think she did. I saw it coming, couldn't prevent it, but still kept trying to maintain a friendship that had itself become toxic for me. As our friendship imploded, I felt the tears roll down my face.

I love her and I will miss her. But I welcome peace and healing.

Setting Goals and Making Plans

Almost two months ago, I hit the reset button on my life. I left the town I'd been living in for almost three years, quit a job I'd been at for a year and moved two hours away to a town where I'd always wanted to live, but never quite got around to it. I'm staying in a travel trailer and living in a peaceful and quiet place... I call it my "Gypsy Trailer."

In the last two months, I've been doing a lot of self-work and trauma-healing. It's been very difficult emotionally and mentally, but the rewards have been many. I have discovered that I am a lot stronger than I thought I was, I'm getting my focus back and I'm not starting out each day with a massive amount of dread or anxiety.

Sure, my sleep schedule seems to have literally reversed itself and so I have my days and nights mixed up. BUT, I'm still making progress and with the two youngest kids not being in school (they are 2 and 3), our schedule isn't a massive issue right now. We'll slowly but surely get back on track, it's all about taking baby steps.

I'm working from home right now... selling things on eBay, writing for a couple of content websites as a freelancer, as well as working on a couple of my books, writing my blogs and also am looking for things to make and sell on Etsy or some other such site.

I'm setting reasonable, attainable goals with realistic timelines. I'm throwing out what hasn't worked before and approaching things with a more reasonable, logical mindset, with a new perspective. And I'm making plans that will work - all it takes is a little bit of courage, a dash of determination, a splash of openness and the realization that all you have to do is keep moving forward, even if it's taking baby steps.

My New Life

So recently I made a pretty drastic (for me) change. I moved 2 hours from where I was living and moved into a 5th wheel camper.

There were multiple reasons for doing so... But I'll get into those at another time. But for now... I'm adjusting to living in a smaller space with my littles and my teenage daughter. We had too much "stuff" anyway, so now is as good a time as any to learn to declutter.

I'm currently waiting to start a job. My 3 year old had surgery a week and a half ago to get his tonsils and adenoids taken out. His post-op appointment is at the 2 week mark, so then I can focus on going back to work.

Money is tight, stress is a little high... But for the first time in my life, I'm finding peace and don't feel a sense of dread about what the future holds.

I've taken to calling the camper my "tiny house" or "gypsy trailer." I'm viewing this as an adventure.. Not yet another restart. It's actually both, but I'm excited about it.

And maybe I'll finally get organized in the process...