I’m a Terrible Blogger!

 Actually, I pretty much just let life and my depression take over me for awhile. So I stopped writing. 

What a shame it is that the times we need people the most we end up isolated? Whether by our own doing or some other circumstance. It’s been a rough year.

I’m now over a year since my hysterectomy. I still hurt with any strenuous activity and I have struggled with stomach issues and severe anxiety since my surgery. 

Now trying some new medications and a new routine for self-care. We shall see how it goes. 

❤️

Long-neglected Blog, Long-neglected Me?

I have had a really difficult time over the past year; mentally, physically, emotionally, financially. It’s been a rollercoaster of seemingly limitless insanity and a bunch of bright moments scattered within a dark forest full of danger. Perhaps I exaggerate, perhaps not. 

I had two surgeries within a year - one, seemingly minor, simply getting four broken teeth removed (except it affected a lot more than those four broken teeth and further impacted my ability to eat properly) and then my hysterectomy almost six months ago. A physically and mentally difficult ordeal, I got infections in my incisions, I had so much pain it was unreal and I found myself struggling to do anything physically, found myself completely exhausted with minimal stamina for much of anything. 

I didn’t take the seriousness of my hysterectomy into consideration. I chose to remain blissfully unaware of the physical repercussions of having a major surgery where a part of one’s body is removed. And from an area of one’s body that is connected to physical strength in pretty much every other area of the body. 

It was a shock to me whenever my body didn’t “bounce back” as quickly as I wanted or expected it to, I didn’t seem to consider that I had never actually been through anything like that. I lost my mind, or whatever I had left of it - pushing myself to try harder, to do more, to try even harder. I found myself hurt and/or sick multiple times because I would push and push at myself and then stress myself out. I placed unrealistic expectations on myself and then pushed myself hard to attempt to live up to those expectations, before I finally realized that I don’t have to push myself so hard or push so fast. I can still take the time to take care of myself as I keep making progress, but that progress doesn’t have to happen overnight. 

As long as I am trying and making progress, it’s okay to slow down once in awhile and it’s okay to take care of myself. I can’t get to the destination if I burn out along the way, and the journey is part of the destination.

It’s okay to be tired. It’s okay to say “not today” or “I’m not doing this right now.” I have given myself permission to rest and take care of me. As a result, I’m no longer stressed out all the time, I am feeling better physically, my emotions aren’t all over the place.. I’m doing okay now. 

Equally important - don’t overthink it, sometimes there doesn’t have to be a reason or a why. Sometimes things are just the way they are and you must do what you need to do, which is to take care of you too. 

Here are the things that people won’t remind you to do; 

Stop and breath. 

Make sure to get sleep.

Eat properly. 

Take time to process things as needed.

Don’t be afraid to say “I don’t know.” 

You don’t have to agree to anything you do not want to.

Don’t place unreasonable expectations on yourself or allow anyone else to.

Healing happens at all levels and stages, don’t minimize your progress. 

Take care of yourself before you take care of everyone else. 

Self-care isn’t selfish, it’s a necessity.

Gratitude and Gratefulness

Gratitude and gratefulness. These are two very important words that everyone should know, but better yet, they should be incorporated into everyone's being and daily life. But there is a slight difference between the two.

Gratitude is an abstract noun, it's a description, an abstract way to describe someone being "thankful." Most definitions used the example of someone doing one a kindness, one saying "thank you" and then being *grateful* for the other person's kindness. It's an abstract THING or emotion.

Gratefulness is an attitude, an adjective, it's a way of thinking and feeling. Most definitions that I ran across for "grateful" stated that it is an adjective and it is to "show appreciation for kindness." Hmmm. That's interesting.

Both describe a feeling or emotion, but from different sides. But both are so very important. It's not enough to just say "thank-you" and be thankful for another's kindness, you also need to show appreciation. This means not simply saying "thank you," but expressing your gratitude in other ways... perhaps offering to do something nice, making sure to be polite and respectful to the person(s) that did something for you, etc.

No one gets anywhere in life without remaining humble, having gratitude for the things they have or are given, and also being grateful for the things that others do for them. Sometimes it's a matter of basic good manners, other times it's about having the right attitude and respecting others.

Let Go of That Which You Cannot Hold Onto

Sometimes in life, we come to a crossroads with people or situations. We are faced with the choice of either continuing to hold on or to try to let someone or something go. This is the first step in healing from trauma or abuse, and it can also just be something as simple as needing to clear your "emotional clutter" or remove complications from your life to be able to live your best life in as healthy a way as is possible.

This might need to happen in a very direct and abrupt manner. You may need to make a conscious choice to get someone or something out of your life, choosing to go no-contact with an individual or choosing to drop a habit or something else. It can seem to come out of nowhere to the other person if it's an individual, they might even get angry with you for losing their access to you. In some cases, it's just a simple case of a friend or family member and yourself losing common ground and needing to go separate ways... there's nothing wrong with this either.

There's something very important that I've learned in life. Change is scary, but absolutely necessary. Sometimes people or things aren't meant to be in our journey until the end of our lives. Sometimes, to heal and keep growing, we have to let go of the things which we cannot hold onto, or we fail to grow and then fail to thrive. This can leave us struggling in survival mode, which isn't healthy or positive and will not lead to emotional or mental growth.

Even if it is not necessarily an unhealthy or negative person or aspect of your life, but you are sensing that it might be time to let go and continue with your journey... let go. Release the person or thing with light and love, give yourself permission to move forward, and simply continue in your journey. Don't carry old baggage with you or bring along people who don't want to be in your ultimate destination.

Remember the saying, "Some people are only meant to be in our life for a season, not a lifetime." If that season has passed - whether it's a person, a place, a thing, a habit, etc - gracefully let go and spread your wings and continue to fly. If we carry our old baggage with us on our journey, we inevitably will get pulled back into the same old places and situations.

Let go of that which you cannot hold onto, so that you can embrace what is meant to stay with you.

The Things We Keep Inside

Childhood is hard. Adulthood is hard. Being a human being is hard. Being a DECENT human being is even harder.  It's impossible to go through life completely unscathed... no one can do it. Every single moment, every single experience we have... shapes the people that we become. This can be to the better or for the worse. I don't believe that people are born "bad"  or good either one... I think they are all born "neutral" and then their experiences and basic personalities shape them into the people they become.

For most of us, we're just you're average, garden variety good person. In my case, I'm a pretty good person who got handed several bad hands in life. I ended up being abused most of my life and now have to deal with the aftermath of being abused, which includes PTSD, dissociative disorder due to Complex Trauma and a host of other mental and emotional issues. The average person walking past me on the street would never be able to see or guess that I struggle daily with just getting up, being present in the moment and surviving another day.

So it is with the things we keep inside.

In the case of a few of my abusers, they hid a deep evil inside of them... a part of them that THRIVED on hurting other people, especially a defenseless woman less than half their size. In my case, I was abused in various forms throughout my entire life... I keep a lot hidden away from people that I encounter in daily life, casual acquaintances - anyone who isn't "safe." For me to let down my guard and show anyone the things I keep inside, it takes a long time and a lot of effort and trust - believe me, I'm not going to tell a brand-new friend all about my past or my feelings or thoughts!

Each of us carries "baggage" from our pasts with us as we go about our daily lives and we aren't typically unpacking and repacking it. Things get pretty scary if someone tries to mess with our inner selves, especially if that is how we are keeping ourselves safe. That emotionally distant person you know - they're not just an "unemotional asshole," they've usually been hurt badly and are trying to stay back from people and situations that might cause them harm.

Everyone has things inside them that we can't see. Sometimes it's good and just a way of protecting ourselves - although this can be taken too far... other times, it's something negative or evil that the person lets out for their own amusement at other's expense. Our inner selves are typically our true selves.. in my case, I've got an angry, scared inner child who's tired of fighting her demons... but she tries again another day, every single day.

I hide the pain, the anger, the frustration... and I continue on my way through this journey called life.. taking a little bit out at a time and trying to deal with it. I'm making progress, but my inner self is still extremely fragile. But I'll get there. And in the meantime, I'll keep things inside that I feel need to be kept inside in order to protect myself.

The Things We Ignore

Whenever you know that someone is abusive to someone else, that they are harming others, you are just as culpable in the abuse if you don't speak up or attempt to stop them. Yes, the blame for abuse should always lie with those that abuse... but those who know and attempt to do nothing, are just as responsible as those who are actively committing the abuse.

Abuse of another person, in any shape or form, is a crime. If you don't speak up, if you simply ignore it or "don't want to get involved," you are choosing to allow the abuse to continue, and that is just as much a crime as the abuser is committing.

Every single person on this planet deserves to live a life of peace and happiness, to live in safety and freedom. NO ONE deserves to be harmed or abused. We all have an ethical and moral responsibility to speak up and make attempts to stop abuse when we see it.

For those that would argue that if someone is being abused, they should just "leave" ... it's never that simple. Someone being abused is in fear, they have been emotionally and mentally beaten down, their abuser has convinced them that they can't live without the abuser or that they will be unable to survive without the abuser. The average victim of domestic violence leaves about 7 times before they are finally able to leave their abuser completely.

And then there are children in abusive situations (often one parent is also being abused by the other... in some cases both parents are abusing the child/children)... they can't simply leave the situation and outside intervention is vital and necessary. Don't simply stand by or shake your head and act like there's nothing you can do. Speak up. Refer the situation to the proper authorities with any evidence you might have.

A final word: Verbal abuse is just as damaging, if not more so, than physical abuse. Speak up. Don't let it slide or act like it's no big deal. If you do, you're just as guilty as the abuser.

Letting Go Of The Things That Hurt Us

Life is hard. I mean, really hard. Often, we struggle through life, carrying our baggage with us and we simply muddle along until something makes us stop and set the baggage down and leave it behind. Some of us never set the baggage down, some carry that baggage through their entire lives - damaged, weighed down, causing damage to those that cross their paths.

When you're living with trauma, it's really easy to simply accept that the pain is just a part of life and so you begin to not even question whether or not that pain is NECESSARY. We don't stop to ask ourselves if we HAVE to carry that pain around, because we've just accepted that it simply IS. But, what if that pain isn't necessary? What if you could live your life without carrying a lifetime's worth of pain with you? Sounds amazing, right?

I am learning, after a lifetime of abuse and pain, that it's possible to let the pain go. But first, you have to be willing to let go of the things that hurt you - even if sometimes, the process of letting go of those things is painful. Sometimes, the things you are letting go of, are literal things... sometimes it's places, habits, even people. The process of letting go can be painful, but it's absolutely necessary if you're going to be able to move forward and away from the things that hurt you.

Repeating cycles, giving more chances, making the same choices over and over - all of this contributes to a negative cycle, it adds to your emotional and mental "baggage" and causes you to carry around intense pain. When this is a lifelong pain, it's hard to let it go, but letting it go is a vital part of your healing process. It's much easier to process your emotions and get your mental and emotional health on track if you let go of the things that hurt you before you begin trying to process - at a minimum, however, you let go of those things while you're working on healing.

You have a right to be safe, to be happy, secure - we all have a right to live our lives without pain, anger, fear or negativity. You DESERVE to be happy, to be able to love and be loved - in a healthy way - and you deserve to not have to carry around a lifetime's worth of pain. If there's someone or something in your life that's hurt you, that continues to hurt you - it's time to let it go. Don't keep holding onto the things that cause you pain - in the end, even though letting go might be painful, you'll be stronger and healthier for it.

If it's a person that you're struggling to let go of, you might feel guilty or want to keep them in your life out of a misguided sense of guilt or love. Don't. Sometimes we have to let go of people that we love, because they don't love us or care if they hurt us.You can love someone and not be able to have them in your life because it's just too painful. Do NOT feel guilty for this. Let them go with light, love and forgiveness... understand that their part in your journey is over.

This doesn't mean that you will never be hurt by people in your life in the future, but you can choose who to surround yourself with, what type of energies and emotions to surround yourself with. And that isn't a reason to feel guilty. In life, we have one chance to be happy, to be free. We have the right to be loved, to have peace, to be safe and have security. Only allow those in your circle that bring this to your life. Life is too short to be carrying around baggage and pain that can be unpacked and put away.

A Day In My Life With 2 Toddlers

So, if you've followed me for any length of time, you already know I have 9 children... ranging in ages from 19, down to age 2 1/2. I had my first 5 children within 5 years of each other... then spaced out numbers 6 and 7 out over another 5 years. I had baby number 8 when baby number 7 was 5, baby number 9 followed 16 months later. My life is pure insanity sometimes... even the older ones who don't live with me can contribute to this... Mom's life is filled with stress and worry for all of her children.

I absolutely adore all of my children - from the semi-bratty teenagers, all the way down to my littlest miniature dictator toddler. However, they completely exhaust me! The toddlers, that is. With two toddlers in the house - ages 3 and 2, my life is absolutely never boring. They are always getting into things, fussing over the same toy, loudly shouting the words "NO!!" or "MINE!" over things that are most definitely not theirs or over things that they most definitely need to do or not do.

I never imagined "starting over" and having anymore children after I turned 30. But here I am, at the age of 36 (almost 37) with my last two babies being "start-over babies." I don't remember being this exhausted when my older kids were younger, even though there were more of them and they had to have been just as "busy" as these two. Maybe it's because I was younger, perhaps it's selective amnesia. Joking. Maybe?

My days with two toddlers consist of attempting to wake up before they do to make sure they don't get into anything they aren't supposed to, making breakfast - half of which ends up not eaten, bathing and dressing them.Working on potty-training two of them at once, while trying to convince them that they have to wear clothes - walking around nude all the time simply isn't an option! Removing any dangerous objects from their line of sight or reach - which they always seem to immediately gravitate towards!

Then I remove random objects from their mouths, things that they feel the need to taste or try to eat that most definitely aren't food. Definitely a Mom, because I simply hold out my hand and tell them to spit whatever it is out into my hand... no matter what it is, I never bat an eye. Wiping snotty noses, convincing them to wash their hands and to PLEASE stop playing in the toilet! No, you can't take a bath for the 7th time today... the bathtub isn't a swimming pool!

PLEASE, don't bite your brother! Your siblings aren't food! Oh, we're hungry again... oh, I see, you're going to snub something that you simply couldn't get enough of for the last 5 days. SIGH. We're only halfway through the day.

Then we go through futile attempts at a nap-time. Nope. Too bad, Mommy... no naps for us today. Dang. But *I* wanted a nap, My Loves! Uh oh, time to take the toy they're fighting over away. Maybe the next 6.... because, "Toddler Rules." We have to go to the store. We take two hours to get completely ready, only for them to both have their shoes off by the time we reach the store that's 5 minutes away. Put the shoes back on and unload from the vehicle.

Yep, I can understand why some parents use toddler "leashes." Really hard to chase two toddlers headed in opposite directions while trying to carry a couple of items I'm planning to purchase. And this is just at the convenience store. Not very convenient. No shopping carts to semi-corral them in! We fare a little better at Wal-Mart, until I have a momentary lapse in judgement and accidentally get the cart too close to a display or shelf and then toddler hands proceed to knock things down or add things to the cart.

Two hours later, we're finally home again. Gotta unload the babies, then unload the groceries. Yes, you guys can watch tv while Mommy puts things away. Oh, but you'd rather start playing with everything I just bought. (No wonder things get misplaced and I end up buying duplicates or replacements a day or two later!) There. Things are finally put away.

Dinner time. Oh, but it's floor food instead. I guess the floor was "hungry." Sometimes they just don't want to eat whatever I've made, other times they just have to throw it in the floor and then decide they want it. I know it doesn't sound like it, but I've been teaching them table manners. I don't know... sometimes I think a pack of wolves would do a better job at raising toddlers than I am!

Chill time, then it's finally bed time. Well, if they'd only just lay down and stop wanting to get up to get into things or harass each other. They want to sleep with me. Great! We can all get to sleep fairly quick then. Oh, guess not. THEY get to sleep fairly quickly. Mommy gets kidney kicked, throat punched, gets the blanket stolen and sharp little feet in her ribs.

Whoever said that pregnancy or having a newborn was the worst time to try to sleep as a parent has never tried sleeping with even one toddler, let alone two! It's 2am. Mommy's exhausted. And my day starts again in about 5 hours. :SIGH:

I love my babies. They just exhaust me! Whoever said that having kids keeps you young, doesn't have kids or doesn't realize that the only reason they keep you young is because you regress to toddler tantrums when you're this exhausted... so you're basically on your kid's level.

One day, that feels like it lasts an insanely long amount of time, but goes by too fast... all at the same time.

Independence Day 2019

As I sit here on this Independence Day, I have no plans.. just myself and my two youngest kids, hanging out at home and watching tv. We won't be getting out to watch fireworks or anything. I have severe anxiety in large crowds, so taking two toddlers into large crowds or heavy traffic is the last thing I want to do. But we're enjoying the time together and I'm definitely enjoying the peace and my freedom.

While today is our nation's celebration of Independence, I'm also viewing it as my personal Independence Day celebration. Because for the first time in as long as I can remember, I'm happy... I have peace and quiet in my life, I'm not living anywhere with a partner who wants to fuss and fight, I'm not having to walk on eggshells around someone, I don't have to put up with things that are disrespectful or hurtful to myself and my children.

I am so thankful for my freedom, not just in my country, but for my personal freedom. I am thankful to live in a country where women have the right and the ability to not have to be subjugated to an abusive man, we aren't viewed as property and we have the right to be safe and happy. I'm thankful that I realized this and can find my happiness without interruption or interference.

If you are enjoying your freedom today, even if it's just your own personal Celebration of Independence, or if you're just thankful to live in a free country, thank a soldier or a veteran for their willingness to sign on the dotted line and willingness to sacrifice their very lives for your freedom. We have the right to freedom because many gave their lives for the privilege.

As for me, I'm celebrating the Independence of our country and my personal freedom from abuse and pain. It's a new day and a new life.

When a Friendship Implodes

I recently lost a friendship of four years. It wasn't over a minor issues. It was, perhaps, unavoidable. We both had differing ideas on what constituted "judging" and gentle, loving, honesty. She thought I was judging her for situations in her life, but was passing the same judgments she accused me of, onto my own life. I tried to be gentle and honest - without judgment of her or her choices - however, at the end of the day, we simply couldn't agree to disagree and move forward.

The thing is, this friendship started four and a half years ago during an extremely traumatic and stressful time in my life and hers both, which left us with a friendship, but also left us with a "trauma bond." Although neither of our situations at the time were related, we'd bonded over the similarities. Sometimes, friendships formed in this way will last a lifetime. However, in many cases, they will simply end over time, once the time of crisis is over with.

When you bond over something in your life that is awful, once one party - or even both - begin to heal and move past the trauma and stress of the situation, it becomes difficult to maintain that relationship if the sole glue holding the relationship together is the stress and turmoil of the situation you are in. In effect, these friendships will typically just "fizzle out" over time. In this instance, the friendship "imploded."

While I am proud of the fact that I did not resort to name-calling or personal insults, I did not raise my voice or say anything intentionally hurtful, I am hurt by the fact that she resorted to such tactics as she got extremely volatile when I set boundaries in place to protect myself and my mental and emotional health from a situation that she had going on.

I feel many things about this friendship ending - loss, sadness, frustration, perhaps a bit of anger, regret... and mainly, relief. I saw this coming a long time ago, although I don't think she did. I saw it coming, couldn't prevent it, but still kept trying to maintain a friendship that had itself become toxic for me. As our friendship imploded, I felt the tears roll down my face.

I love her and I will miss her. But I welcome peace and healing.