Gratitude and Gratefulness

Gratitude and gratefulness. These are two very important words that everyone should know, but better yet, they should be incorporated into everyone's being and daily life. But there is a slight difference between the two.

Gratitude is an abstract noun, it's a description, an abstract way to describe someone being "thankful." Most definitions used the example of someone doing one a kindness, one saying "thank you" and then being *grateful* for the other person's kindness. It's an abstract THING or emotion.

Gratefulness is an attitude, an adjective, it's a way of thinking and feeling. Most definitions that I ran across for "grateful" stated that it is an adjective and it is to "show appreciation for kindness." Hmmm. That's interesting.

Both describe a feeling or emotion, but from different sides. But both are so very important. It's not enough to just say "thank-you" and be thankful for another's kindness, you also need to show appreciation. This means not simply saying "thank you," but expressing your gratitude in other ways... perhaps offering to do something nice, making sure to be polite and respectful to the person(s) that did something for you, etc.

No one gets anywhere in life without remaining humble, having gratitude for the things they have or are given, and also being grateful for the things that others do for them. Sometimes it's a matter of basic good manners, other times it's about having the right attitude and respecting others.

Let Go of That Which You Cannot Hold Onto

Sometimes in life, we come to a crossroads with people or situations. We are faced with the choice of either continuing to hold on or to try to let someone or something go. This is the first step in healing from trauma or abuse, and it can also just be something as simple as needing to clear your "emotional clutter" or remove complications from your life to be able to live your best life in as healthy a way as is possible.

This might need to happen in a very direct and abrupt manner. You may need to make a conscious choice to get someone or something out of your life, choosing to go no-contact with an individual or choosing to drop a habit or something else. It can seem to come out of nowhere to the other person if it's an individual, they might even get angry with you for losing their access to you. In some cases, it's just a simple case of a friend or family member and yourself losing common ground and needing to go separate ways... there's nothing wrong with this either.

There's something very important that I've learned in life. Change is scary, but absolutely necessary. Sometimes people or things aren't meant to be in our journey until the end of our lives. Sometimes, to heal and keep growing, we have to let go of the things which we cannot hold onto, or we fail to grow and then fail to thrive. This can leave us struggling in survival mode, which isn't healthy or positive and will not lead to emotional or mental growth.

Even if it is not necessarily an unhealthy or negative person or aspect of your life, but you are sensing that it might be time to let go and continue with your journey... let go. Release the person or thing with light and love, give yourself permission to move forward, and simply continue in your journey. Don't carry old baggage with you or bring along people who don't want to be in your ultimate destination.

Remember the saying, "Some people are only meant to be in our life for a season, not a lifetime." If that season has passed - whether it's a person, a place, a thing, a habit, etc - gracefully let go and spread your wings and continue to fly. If we carry our old baggage with us on our journey, we inevitably will get pulled back into the same old places and situations.

Let go of that which you cannot hold onto, so that you can embrace what is meant to stay with you.

The Things We Keep Inside

Childhood is hard. Adulthood is hard. Being a human being is hard. Being a DECENT human being is even harder.  It's impossible to go through life completely unscathed... no one can do it. Every single moment, every single experience we have... shapes the people that we become. This can be to the better or for the worse. I don't believe that people are born "bad"  or good either one... I think they are all born "neutral" and then their experiences and basic personalities shape them into the people they become.

For most of us, we're just you're average, garden variety good person. In my case, I'm a pretty good person who got handed several bad hands in life. I ended up being abused most of my life and now have to deal with the aftermath of being abused, which includes PTSD, dissociative disorder due to Complex Trauma and a host of other mental and emotional issues. The average person walking past me on the street would never be able to see or guess that I struggle daily with just getting up, being present in the moment and surviving another day.

So it is with the things we keep inside.

In the case of a few of my abusers, they hid a deep evil inside of them... a part of them that THRIVED on hurting other people, especially a defenseless woman less than half their size. In my case, I was abused in various forms throughout my entire life... I keep a lot hidden away from people that I encounter in daily life, casual acquaintances - anyone who isn't "safe." For me to let down my guard and show anyone the things I keep inside, it takes a long time and a lot of effort and trust - believe me, I'm not going to tell a brand-new friend all about my past or my feelings or thoughts!

Each of us carries "baggage" from our pasts with us as we go about our daily lives and we aren't typically unpacking and repacking it. Things get pretty scary if someone tries to mess with our inner selves, especially if that is how we are keeping ourselves safe. That emotionally distant person you know - they're not just an "unemotional asshole," they've usually been hurt badly and are trying to stay back from people and situations that might cause them harm.

Everyone has things inside them that we can't see. Sometimes it's good and just a way of protecting ourselves - although this can be taken too far... other times, it's something negative or evil that the person lets out for their own amusement at other's expense. Our inner selves are typically our true selves.. in my case, I've got an angry, scared inner child who's tired of fighting her demons... but she tries again another day, every single day.

I hide the pain, the anger, the frustration... and I continue on my way through this journey called life.. taking a little bit out at a time and trying to deal with it. I'm making progress, but my inner self is still extremely fragile. But I'll get there. And in the meantime, I'll keep things inside that I feel need to be kept inside in order to protect myself.

Letting Go Of The Things That Hurt Us

Life is hard. I mean, really hard. Often, we struggle through life, carrying our baggage with us and we simply muddle along until something makes us stop and set the baggage down and leave it behind. Some of us never set the baggage down, some carry that baggage through their entire lives - damaged, weighed down, causing damage to those that cross their paths.

When you're living with trauma, it's really easy to simply accept that the pain is just a part of life and so you begin to not even question whether or not that pain is NECESSARY. We don't stop to ask ourselves if we HAVE to carry that pain around, because we've just accepted that it simply IS. But, what if that pain isn't necessary? What if you could live your life without carrying a lifetime's worth of pain with you? Sounds amazing, right?

I am learning, after a lifetime of abuse and pain, that it's possible to let the pain go. But first, you have to be willing to let go of the things that hurt you - even if sometimes, the process of letting go of those things is painful. Sometimes, the things you are letting go of, are literal things... sometimes it's places, habits, even people. The process of letting go can be painful, but it's absolutely necessary if you're going to be able to move forward and away from the things that hurt you.

Repeating cycles, giving more chances, making the same choices over and over - all of this contributes to a negative cycle, it adds to your emotional and mental "baggage" and causes you to carry around intense pain. When this is a lifelong pain, it's hard to let it go, but letting it go is a vital part of your healing process. It's much easier to process your emotions and get your mental and emotional health on track if you let go of the things that hurt you before you begin trying to process - at a minimum, however, you let go of those things while you're working on healing.

You have a right to be safe, to be happy, secure - we all have a right to live our lives without pain, anger, fear or negativity. You DESERVE to be happy, to be able to love and be loved - in a healthy way - and you deserve to not have to carry around a lifetime's worth of pain. If there's someone or something in your life that's hurt you, that continues to hurt you - it's time to let it go. Don't keep holding onto the things that cause you pain - in the end, even though letting go might be painful, you'll be stronger and healthier for it.

If it's a person that you're struggling to let go of, you might feel guilty or want to keep them in your life out of a misguided sense of guilt or love. Don't. Sometimes we have to let go of people that we love, because they don't love us or care if they hurt us.You can love someone and not be able to have them in your life because it's just too painful. Do NOT feel guilty for this. Let them go with light, love and forgiveness... understand that their part in your journey is over.

This doesn't mean that you will never be hurt by people in your life in the future, but you can choose who to surround yourself with, what type of energies and emotions to surround yourself with. And that isn't a reason to feel guilty. In life, we have one chance to be happy, to be free. We have the right to be loved, to have peace, to be safe and have security. Only allow those in your circle that bring this to your life. Life is too short to be carrying around baggage and pain that can be unpacked and put away.

Independence Day 2019

As I sit here on this Independence Day, I have no plans.. just myself and my two youngest kids, hanging out at home and watching tv. We won't be getting out to watch fireworks or anything. I have severe anxiety in large crowds, so taking two toddlers into large crowds or heavy traffic is the last thing I want to do. But we're enjoying the time together and I'm definitely enjoying the peace and my freedom.

While today is our nation's celebration of Independence, I'm also viewing it as my personal Independence Day celebration. Because for the first time in as long as I can remember, I'm happy... I have peace and quiet in my life, I'm not living anywhere with a partner who wants to fuss and fight, I'm not having to walk on eggshells around someone, I don't have to put up with things that are disrespectful or hurtful to myself and my children.

I am so thankful for my freedom, not just in my country, but for my personal freedom. I am thankful to live in a country where women have the right and the ability to not have to be subjugated to an abusive man, we aren't viewed as property and we have the right to be safe and happy. I'm thankful that I realized this and can find my happiness without interruption or interference.

If you are enjoying your freedom today, even if it's just your own personal Celebration of Independence, or if you're just thankful to live in a free country, thank a soldier or a veteran for their willingness to sign on the dotted line and willingness to sacrifice their very lives for your freedom. We have the right to freedom because many gave their lives for the privilege.

As for me, I'm celebrating the Independence of our country and my personal freedom from abuse and pain. It's a new day and a new life.

When a Friendship Implodes

I recently lost a friendship of four years. It wasn't over a minor issues. It was, perhaps, unavoidable. We both had differing ideas on what constituted "judging" and gentle, loving, honesty. She thought I was judging her for situations in her life, but was passing the same judgments she accused me of, onto my own life. I tried to be gentle and honest - without judgment of her or her choices - however, at the end of the day, we simply couldn't agree to disagree and move forward.

The thing is, this friendship started four and a half years ago during an extremely traumatic and stressful time in my life and hers both, which left us with a friendship, but also left us with a "trauma bond." Although neither of our situations at the time were related, we'd bonded over the similarities. Sometimes, friendships formed in this way will last a lifetime. However, in many cases, they will simply end over time, once the time of crisis is over with.

When you bond over something in your life that is awful, once one party - or even both - begin to heal and move past the trauma and stress of the situation, it becomes difficult to maintain that relationship if the sole glue holding the relationship together is the stress and turmoil of the situation you are in. In effect, these friendships will typically just "fizzle out" over time. In this instance, the friendship "imploded."

While I am proud of the fact that I did not resort to name-calling or personal insults, I did not raise my voice or say anything intentionally hurtful, I am hurt by the fact that she resorted to such tactics as she got extremely volatile when I set boundaries in place to protect myself and my mental and emotional health from a situation that she had going on.

I feel many things about this friendship ending - loss, sadness, frustration, perhaps a bit of anger, regret... and mainly, relief. I saw this coming a long time ago, although I don't think she did. I saw it coming, couldn't prevent it, but still kept trying to maintain a friendship that had itself become toxic for me. As our friendship imploded, I felt the tears roll down my face.

I love her and I will miss her. But I welcome peace and healing.

Removing Toxic People From Your Life

Life is hard. Even when things are going pretty good, there will be occasional struggles or obstacles in your way. This is especially true if you've already dealt with any type of hardship in your life. If you're like me, and you've gone through multiple struggles in your life - mental, emotional, abusive relationships, poverty, homelessness, physical, etc - then dealing with basic, everyday life can sometimes feel like a struggle.

This is why it's important to have a solid support system in place - whether you have good family and friends, a counselor and/or support group, online support groups, etc - everyone needs a support system. We all need people in our lives, even those of us who might claim to be "anti-social" or those who have "social anxiety." But what we don't need in our lives is toxic people and situations.

If you have someone in your life who is toxic, if they bring more drama than you care to deal with, if they mentally or emotionally drain you.. it's time to remove them from your life. Toxic people have no positive purpose in our lives and they have no place in our lives. We cannot grow and thrive if we are surrounded by toxic people or situations.

Beware the person who is "just being honest" and proceeds to tell you things that hurt you, your emotional and mental well-being... honesty is not an excuse for rudeness and true honesty is never cruel or hurtful. Beware those who will say they want what is best for you, but then will encourage situations or habits that will harm you. Don't allow someone to cause you to doubt yourself or question your abilities to make your own choices or reach your goals.

There are many out there who will claim to love and care about you - whether a family member, a friend, a romantic partner, etc... those who truly care about you will actually want what is best for you, without attempting to control you, tell you what to do, manipulate you, bring further stress and chaos to your life or treat you disrespectfully.

When it comes to removing toxic people from your life...  many times, you can do this without any type of confrontation. Simply cease all contact and avoid them - you'd be surprised how many people will simply let things go without a fight. In other cases, a very calm and direct "I'm ceasing contact because this situation/relationship is toxic for me" is given to the other person, then simply do not respond or make contact again.

Remember, you owe no one an explanation. And even if you explain yourself to someone who is toxic a million times, there are going to be those who will never accept or acknowledge your explanation as truth. There are even going to be those who argue with you and may fight to try to stay in your life. Don't allow them to.

It may require a court order or contacting the police and notifying them of the toxic individual's harassment and continued contact after you've asked them not to contact them again. You may be able to get away with simply blocking the individual and never hear from them again. If someone is being toxic in your life and you want to remove them - do so by whatever means necessary, you do not have to allow them to steal another moment of your peace and happiness.

We all have the right to have supportive, nonjudgmental people in our lives, we have the right to make decisions for ourselves without someone attempting to manipulate or control us. No one needs an energy or emotional vampire sucking them dry. Drop the toxic people and situations and watch your life become full of light and love again.

Make sure your circle is full of people who truly love and support you and want what is best for you. Say NO to negativity and toxicity, and don't look back. We all should live our lives as if they're too short-  because they are - and life is too short to live with toxic people and situations.

Setting Goals and Making Plans

Almost two months ago, I hit the reset button on my life. I left the town I'd been living in for almost three years, quit a job I'd been at for a year and moved two hours away to a town where I'd always wanted to live, but never quite got around to it. I'm staying in a travel trailer and living in a peaceful and quiet place... I call it my "Gypsy Trailer."

In the last two months, I've been doing a lot of self-work and trauma-healing. It's been very difficult emotionally and mentally, but the rewards have been many. I have discovered that I am a lot stronger than I thought I was, I'm getting my focus back and I'm not starting out each day with a massive amount of dread or anxiety.

Sure, my sleep schedule seems to have literally reversed itself and so I have my days and nights mixed up. BUT, I'm still making progress and with the two youngest kids not being in school (they are 2 and 3), our schedule isn't a massive issue right now. We'll slowly but surely get back on track, it's all about taking baby steps.

I'm working from home right now... selling things on eBay, writing for a couple of content websites as a freelancer, as well as working on a couple of my books, writing my blogs and also am looking for things to make and sell on Etsy or some other such site.

I'm setting reasonable, attainable goals with realistic timelines. I'm throwing out what hasn't worked before and approaching things with a more reasonable, logical mindset, with a new perspective. And I'm making plans that will work - all it takes is a little bit of courage, a dash of determination, a splash of openness and the realization that all you have to do is keep moving forward, even if it's taking baby steps.

3 Months and 4 Days Later

On April 20th, 2018... my life changed (again!) in a split second. My ex-husband called to tell me that his wife had been in a car accident while bringing our 3 boys down to my house.

My heart. My world.
Literally stopped.

Everything suspended for a moment as I struggled to wrap my mind around what I was hearing and tried to grasp the severity of the situation.

There are no words to say in a situation like this. Nothing comes to mind. You can't focus on a single thought or word, but also grasp at every single word or thought. Struggling to hang on to anything you can, to try to make sense of something so utterly unexpected as to be unbelievable. 

In the ensuing chaos, I realized that I'd been in the shower when the call came through.... had I? Really? Did I remember to shut the lights off? Did I hang my towel? I'd left conditioner in my hair and one leg unshaven as I threw whatever clothes I had on and my new husband and I rushed out the door to get to the accident scene. 

I can attest to the fact that I was probably in shock by the time we reached the accident scene... my brain already going into a protective mode, which probably ultimately saved my sanity and that of those around me.

We picked my 13 year old son up from the scene, he, miraculously, no injuries other than a few very minor scratches and a seat belt bruise. We would take him to the trauma unit where my other 2 sons were being med-flighted.

Again. This is where a disconnect from reality occurred. I HEARD med-flight, I heard trauma and sedation. But it didn't register, because one of my 3 boys was perfectly fine, right in front of me and basically unscathed. Stepmom was okay, except for some bruises, scratches and some nasty cuts on her foot. Her 14 year old son and her and my ex-husband's baby were okay, too.

Nope. I can't even express what went through my mind when I saw my 7 year old son in the trauma bay. We would find that he had a severe concussion which resulted in some memory loss and personality changes, a broken arm, a gash on his head and I was totally unprepared for the amount of blood he was covered in and how still he was.

Some Mama instinct kept me from losing it completely, but I still struggled to stay calm and focused. Even now,  the memory fills me with a deep pain and pure ice flows through my veins. There is no warmth when the memory hits... as there was no warmth that day or in the days that followed.

When my 10 year old arrived, I was already to a point of numbness that I can't even begin to explain... yet I felt the pain rip through me as if I were feeling every bit of their injuries myself. I struggled and struggled to decipher my emotions and thoughts.  I pray I never feel that again.
My 10 year old son had a deep gash from the side of his head and across his cheekbone, he was missing a chunk of his arm that I could have put my fist in.

Wait. What? How can I so clinically and calmly state their injuries and not scream and cry whilst doing so? I don't know. Even now... I don't know. My life has ended and began all over again, multiple times... through the time in the trauma bays, to the time in ICU... to the week long hospital stay for both boys... the multiple surgeries my 10 year old had to repair his arm... the daily struggles with my 7 year old when he forgets something or we see a different personality than before. The survivor's guilt and PTSD that my 13 year old struggles with. All of us are carrying scars now, they are just physically visible on my 7 year old and 10 year old.

The moments we struggle through in life are what makes us who we are, those events in life that we don't plan or expect that could be so much worse, the ghosts of the past and memories of how things used to be. It all merges together, daily. Sometimes every moment of the day.

A mother's biggest fear is something happening to one of her children. The traumas that happen in life make one moment seem like a million lifetimes. And when it's more than one of your children, that makes it even more difficult.

Three months and four days ago, my heart stopped and began again. My world turned completely upside down with a pain that just won't go away. I have panic attacks when driving, my heart skips a beat when my phone rings - for fear of another accident or emergency, I have nightmares and my emotions are all over the place.

One moment I'm angry and wanting to blame someone... there isn't anyone to blame, that's why accidents are called accidents. One moment I'm terrified to let my children out of my sight. Another time I'm so sad for the pain they've gone through. And then I just feel an overwhelming heartbreak... I'm Mama and I couldn't prevent it or fix it. I couldn't protect my babies.

Three months and four days... and the healing journey is still only just beginning.

Chances or Choices?

Are you where you are in your life due to chances or choices? If you have to stop and think too hard about the answer to this question, perhaps you are not ready to live a life of authenticity with light and love. I'm not intending to sound harsh or as if I know everything, because I certainly don't know everything, but there is a certain level of self-awareness and self-honesty that is required to admit that a lot of things in our lives is due to choices of our own making.

When we can stop and be truly honest with ourselves and admit that we've made some not-so-great, even BAD, choices, then we can stop blaming chance and blaming others for our problems and the struggles in our lives and move forward. There is a certain amount of chance in life, chance can sometimes cause some degree of difficulty in our lives. But when it comes to chance, even when we cannot control our circumstances, we still can control our reactions or choices that result from chance events.

So, are you living a life of chance or choice? Do you feel like your life is beyond your own control? Or are you in control of your circumstances? When something happens that is beyond your control, do you make choices or do you simply throw your hands up and say "there's nothing I can do" and just let things happen? I beg of you, choose to live a life of choice. Allow no one and nothing to control you or your life, don't sit and wait for things to change, make the choice to change things yourself. And keep moving. 

It's All UP From Here!

Wow, this has been a crazy few years. Starting in 2010, when my marriage began to crumble right after my youngest child was born, then meeting my new love, whom I've now been with for 3 years, to starting college and now being a year away from graduating with my Associate's degree in Psychology, it's been a rough ride. Finally, last year, the May 20th tornado of Moore, Oklahoma took out our life as we knew it. Then, a month ago, my boyfriend had a massive heart attack.

I had an epiphany this morning. Even when life is at it's lowest point and even when you seemingly can't go anywhere, the only option becomes to move forward and go up from there. So, even though I've been down for the last few years, it's all UP from here. Our life path is our choice, we CHOOSE the direction we move in. Starting today, I'm choosing to go forward and up.

While I haven't been writing much the last several months (obviously, I've been horrible at keeping a blog!), I am now more motivated than ever to start writing again and KEEP writing. For me, writing is an outlet, but it also allows me to connect with others on a deeper level. Find something that's important to you and make it a priority in your life. Family and friends are a given as to what should be a priority in your life.... I'm talking about other things that are important to you.

Find your own path, choose to move forward and realize, it's all up from here. Seriously. When you get down to a certain level, the only choice is to go back up. 

Life, Exhaustion and Second Chances

After the crazy week we've had here, with Sweetie's heart attack, his hospital stay, getting him home, me starting a new job and trying to work around everything else going on, I'm definitely exhausted! I have come to the realization that there are many different levels and types of exhaustion. I think that there are at least three and then there are combinations thereof.

Physical, mental and emotional would be the three types of exhaustion and any of them can be extremely draining, but even more so, if you are dealing with a combination of the three. I'm not sure what level I'm at, I just know I'm very tired. I'm just feeling drained and slightly overwhelmed. A simpler word for what I am feeling right now, would be "stress." Yep. Definitely stressed.

Life has a funny way of throwing things at you when you least expect it and feel the least equipped to handle it. Knowing or suspecting something could happen and it actually happening are two different things. We knew that Sweetie was having some health issues and I have always worried about his health and the possibility of major complications, but actually knowing that he almost died is quite another story altogether.

All I can take away from this situation is this: Everything in life happens for some reason or another. I truly believe that we can learn or grow from anything that we deal with in life, whether it be good or bad. I feel like this has been a major wake-up call to pay attention to our health, to get healthy and to not take each other - or life - for granted. He has been given a second chance at life and it's been rough, but it's definitely going to be okay in the end, because it's enough of a motivator to not want to waste the chance we are given.

With that, I am now taking my exhausted self to bed with my Sweetie and I will check-in when I get another chance! Have a great weekend everyone!

One Year After the Tornado

Well, it's been a year since our world was turned upside down and life as we knew it ended. I can think of nothing in my life that has affected me or my family as drastically as the May 20th, 2013 tornado in Moore, Oklahoma. In a single instant, due to circumstances beyond our control and a natural disaster, our way of living was destroyed and our city was destroyed.

The outpouring of love, support and emergency efforts from not just our home state, but our country and even the world was amazing. It was awesome to see that there were so many people out there who cared about us and others who lost their homes and way of life. Those emergency support efforts were very much appreciated, not just by us, but by everyone affected by the tornado.

While my children and I didn't lose our home specifically, we lost almost everything inside, our vehicle was ruined, and the kids' school was demolished. My children lost classmates and friends, which has proven to be devastating. Due to the tornado making our home unlivable due to water damage and wind damage, we have relocated from Moore to Oklahoma City and then, finally, to Edmond, Oklahoma.

It has been a year of adjusting and healing. I know we're not completely there and I know we have a long way to go, but we are slowly finding our way and we are finding some semblance of normal again. We continue to keep all of the victims in our thoughts and prayers and we continue to hold hope for the full healing and recovery of Moore and those affected.

I feel like my kids and I were blessed and lucky beyond belief, and we have a chance to live our lives fully and with light and love. When you go through something traumatic and devastating, it's important to realize that you need to live life to the fullest and to take every chance you can to enjoy life.

Finding joy in the smallest things and choosing to make each moment count is the most important thing anyone can do. Going through something terrible and fearing for your life is one way to ensure that you don't waste your life. So, a year after May 20th, I am thrilled to be alive and I am so thankful to be given the chance to live life to it's fullest.