Making Do With Less

We live in a society that seems to be largely focused on monetary wealth and material things. Too often, we focus so much on earning money and trying to get "ahead" that we don't realize that we're spending our time on making and spending money, rather than spending that time doing things we actually enjoy or with our loved ones. If you have to ask yourself if you are too focused on acquiring wealth and material things, chances are, you are.

Instead of worrying about what you don't have or trying so hard to acquire that which you do not have, try being thankful for what you do have and asking yourself if that which you are striving for is really something you NEED. Can you make do with less? Can you make do without that which you are working so hard to acquire? There are a few basic necessities in life - food, clothing, shelter, transportation... These do not have to be elaborate, name-brand or "fancy. " We only need that which sustains us and allows us to live in reasonable comfort.

Anything else besides things we "need" and keepsakes, is just extra "fluff." Trust me, we could all probably get by with a lot less than what we do.. unless you are already homeless or destitute, you probably have unneccessary items and unneccessary expenses. When the tornado took out my life as I knew it last year, my kids and I had our lives turned completely upside down, but we also began to look at it as a blessing in disguise, because we needed to downsize and de-clutter our home and our life.

My point is, making do with less isn't about living "poor" or being poor... it's about being happy with what you have in the true context of what it is. Focus your life on other people and being happy, not how much you can make, spend or acquire.

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Giving Love a Chance... Or Not?

I'm kind of in a weird place right now. I meant to go to bed two hours ago. I have to work in the morning and I have a million things to get done tomorrow. I've lost focus of myself and my life path according to my most recent plan. I really hate when that happens. I hate being lost and hate feeling out of sorts. I hate feeling so out of control of myself and my own life.

I have a house full of kids. I am the primary parent and responsible person for four of them. This is an awesome and staggering responsibility. I'm not sure where I'm going with this. Other than, this much I do know. I am trying to be the parent and mother that ALL of my children need, I feel like I'm failing miserably. I feel like, while trying to be the mother I am supposed to be, I am failing them and also not being true to myself and what I need. How do women balance that which they want and need with what they must do?

I never pictured myself as a single mother - not in a million years. But, ultimately, that's what I am. I didn't plan this, didn't want this. Don't want this now. Just stuck and feeling stuck. I love my children, wouldn't trade them for anything on this earth, no matter what. I live and breath for my children. But every single thing I do is for them, and I am constantly second-guessing myself. I constantly wonder if maybe I ought not to be a bit more selfish and try to do what's best for myself also.

I know that love isn't easy. After three divorces, that's probably the biggest thing that I've learned. I'm frustrated. What do you do when you feel something and you know that if you say it that it would change your relationship with that person forever? Whether it's someone you're already with or a potential love interest? ANY relationship can change, as quickly as the time it takes to speak a few words. Life is so unfair.

We spend so much time waiting and hoping for love. Then, when we find love, it's not simple or easy and it's downright complicated. When does love get a chance? Do we actually give love a real chance? Do we speak words that could change everything? Or do we keep our mouths shut and just not rock the boat, thereby missing the chance we might have had?

New Beginnings, Again.

So my three littlest ones started a new daycare today. I'm not sure how I feel about it. We have used daycare before, but it hasn't been a constant in our/their lives. It was so hard to leave my 3 year old when he begged me not to leave him there.

 I'm on break at work now and counting down the hours until I can go get my little ones. I miss them terribly when they aren't with me. And, of course, leaving them in someone else's care is scary and a bit nervewracking too.

 I know it's a necessity at this point in time, and we have to adapt to this new change, but no one said I have to like it. And I don't, not one little bit. I guess it's not a matter of having to like it or not, but more a point of acceptance and making the best of a not so great situation.

If someone had told me fourteen years ago that I would have this many children, that I'd be a single mom to four children and that I would be going to school, working and have my four youngest kids in daycare, I'd have probably slapped them and called them a liar.

But, now, it's just another new beginning and life is full of new beginnings that we either learn to accept or that we let get the best of us. I choose to make a new beginning and thrive. My children will too. 

Chances or Choices?

Are you where you are in your life due to chances or choices? If you have to stop and think too hard about the answer to this question, perhaps you are not ready to live a life of authenticity with light and love. I'm not intending to sound harsh or as if I know everything, because I certainly don't know everything, but there is a certain level of self-awareness and self-honesty that is required to admit that a lot of things in our lives is due to choices of our own making.

When we can stop and be truly honest with ourselves and admit that we've made some not-so-great, even BAD, choices, then we can stop blaming chance and blaming others for our problems and the struggles in our lives and move forward. There is a certain amount of chance in life, chance can sometimes cause some degree of difficulty in our lives. But when it comes to chance, even when we cannot control our circumstances, we still can control our reactions or choices that result from chance events.

So, are you living a life of chance or choice? Do you feel like your life is beyond your own control? Or are you in control of your circumstances? When something happens that is beyond your control, do you make choices or do you simply throw your hands up and say "there's nothing I can do" and just let things happen? I beg of you, choose to live a life of choice. Allow no one and nothing to control you or your life, don't sit and wait for things to change, make the choice to change things yourself. And keep moving. 

Roll With The Changes

Life is funny. One minute you're on the straight and narrow path and you've got a plan, the next you've come upon a giant tree in the road and one side of the road has a cliff on it and the other is water. So what do you do then? Jump off in the water and hope you can swim? Do you dive off the cliff and hope you magically learn how to fly? Or do you try to find a way to go over that tree in the road?

What if I told you that, sometimes, it's a combination of the three? Sometimes you have to swim, sometimes you have to fly... other times you have to figure out a way over or through your obstacles. Life is full of changes. Indeed, in a single moment, things can change in the blink of an eye and it can seem that all of your well-made plans evaporate right before your eyes.

It's really easy to get discouraged and frustrated when things happen to mess up your plans, especially when it seems like you'll never get out from underneath the current crisis or stress. It's easy to tell someone else to "keep your chin up" or "don't give up hope," but it's quite another to take that advice to heart when it's you that's facing changes and uncertainty. But, sometimes the best way to get through something is to take your own advice, even if you have to fake it until you make it.

Nothing in life, not even bad circumstances or stress, is permanent. Things change so quickly, it's amazing how quickly we get ourselves worked up and stressed out... if only we'd be patient and see that something new and better is right around the corner, as long as we stay receptive to it and move with the changes. To get through change, sometimes you just gotta roll with it and keep holding on to hope and faith. Barring your own death, there's nothing in life so absolutely terrible that you can't find some way to get through it.

So, I suggest you get out there, work on climbing over that tree, jump off that cliff and fly or jump in the water and swim. Just keep going. There's always something good around the corner. 

Sunday Evening, Already!

Well, it's Sunday evening, already! Where do the weekends go? It seems like there's never any downtime. During the week, there's school, the kids' schoolwork, working and just taking care of the household. On weekends, that's when the kids and I get to (hopefully) do something fun and catch up on any extra errands or chores. Seems like we are constantly on the move, even when there's not much that really needs done.

Or is that just the way parenthood - especially SINGLE parenthood - goes? I think that being a parent - whether single, with a partner, working, staying at home, etc... it's all hard. The hardest job one will ever have. And it is one of the most under-appreciated or under-recognized jobs that a person can have. The kids and I are always relieved when the weekends come and there doesn't seem to be quite as much to do, yet we never seem to have that down-time that we need and want. :sigh:

I don't know about you, but my days are definitely not long enough, my weeks are too long and my weekends are just too short!

Randomly ranting, but living in light and love in 2014!

Coming to Acceptance

I know that there are truly very few things in life that we can control. For many of us though, we tend to try to control almost everything or feel the need to. Sometimes, we feel the need to try to control others in our lives or control their actions. Here's a tidbit of information that I've just recently learned - you can't control another person and their actions, all you can control is yourself and your own actions or reactions.

Coming to acceptance about the fact that I cannot control as many things as I'd like, however, is another story. It has been no easy task to accept that I'm not in charge of things, especially because I tend to be a bit bossy and perhaps even a bit of a control freak. However, slowly, with time - and a lot of frustration and pain - I am coming to realize that I can't control a large part of what happens around me.

I can't MAKE things happen the way I want them to all the time, all I can do is keep moving towards a positive goal and take one step at a time until I finally achieve it. This means that, to some degree, I have to occasionally give up that control that I so desperately feel the need to have and let things fall into place as I walk the path I know I need to be on.

I may not be able to control everything that happens or how it happens or the results, but as long as I'm moving in a positive direction when things happen, I won't find myself getting so derailed that I can't get back on track. So, there's my acceptance. I am accepting that I can move myself any direction I want or need to, but there are going to be obstacles in my path or events that seem to be discouraging me.

Accepting that things happen, and often for a reason, is a good way to stay on track and accept that I cannot control everything. I accept things in my life that are both positive and negative, because each person, place, event, etc - has a lesson to teach me and there is something that I can learn. Life is all about learning from our experiences to become the person we are meant to be, why not accept those lessons with grace and patience?

Living in Light and Love in 2014!

What-Ifs and Memories

So, I'm sitting here tonight, pondering life and relationships. Thinking back to my marriages and the almost-3-year relationship that just ended. I don't know that my marriages really should have ever happened in the first place, but I have 7 wonderful children as a result, so I wouldn't go back and change those marriages if I could. But the most recently ended relationship. Wow. I don't know that I would go back and undo it, because I learned so much about love and relationships with "G." But I also learned that love is a really scary thing, which is funny, because I don't think I truly learned that during my marriages.

To love - and be loved - is to bare your heart and soul to another human being, to make yourself fully vulnerable to them and hope that neither person gets hurt. That's scary. Some people are incapable of doing this, which means they protect themselves from hurt, but they also never experience the true joy of love and vulnerability with another person. To let another person into your heart and soul requires the ability to be vulnerable and risk getting hurt, but it also requires a great deal of courage and strength. And if you do, by some chance, happen to get hurt in the process, where do you go from there? That, my friends, is the ultimate question.

Do you give love another chance when you've been hurt or have hurt the other? Do you try again with that person? Or do you simply move on and perhaps at a later date, try to love again with someone else? In this instance, I think both of us simply got too tired to keep trying. But I feel no desire or urge to try again with another. Having had love that was like no other and knowing that I would probably always compare someone else to "G," it's probably best if I don't even consider another relationship. I know my heart and know that it's gonna take a long time - if ever - to get over this one.

It's really sad when you meet someone, you know that simply by meeting them, your life will never be the same, YOU will never be the same, and it's equally sad to know that for - whatever reasons there may be - you can't spend your life with them like you'd hoped, so you have to find a way to move on and let them go. Yes, love is beautiful and love is awesome, but love can hurt, very deeply. Sometimes cause damage that is irreparable. So, find the beauty and awesomeness in your experiences with love, enjoy the joy, find hope in love and hold onto that beauty, joy and hope if something happens and love goes wrong. It will get you through the pain.

Memories are there, both good and bad. I wonder about what-ifs and wonder if things could have been different "if only." For two letters, the word "if" sure carries a lot of weight. I don't know if anything I have written makes sense. With so many memories swirling through my mind tonight, it's no wonder that I am writing a bit of a "downer" for this blog post. Ah, so be it. Tomorrow is another day and a new beginning.

Here's to life, love, beginnings and endings and living with light and love in 2014. 

Welcome, 2014!!!

Well, out with the old, in with the new. Another new year begins. With it, the hope that this year will be better than the last. Welcome, my new friend, 2014. I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm VERY excited to start a new year. To me, each new DAY is another chance to get life right. Life isn't easy, we struggle through daily and each of us much find our own path and make the choices that are right for us.

I know I am not perfect, my life isn't perfect. If I were completely honest, I feel like I fail at life and doing the things I need to do a large portion of the time. I know that sounds like a "downer," but it's simply honesty. And I think if most people were more honest, we'd all be more willing to admit that we are flawed and imperfect, that we struggle with SOMETHING on a day to day basis. What does all of this have to do with the New Year?

Well, this year, I am hoping to find the sense of balance and find my organizational skills, both things that I feel have eluded me all of my life. I am going to focus more on living in the here and now, while also making changes one tiny step at a time, to keep myself and my children on track, and I am going to go after the things I want for myself and my children.

So, welcome to 2014. Come on in, 2014, you are welcome here, because this is a new day, week, month and year. This is the first day of the rest of my life and I'm going to get this right, one way or another.
To all of you out there struggling, feeling lost, you are not alone. Most of us, if we're honest, feel that way at times, keep jumping right back in and make your life your own. Now is the time. Get started. A new year, a new beginning!

On Birthdays and Such

So, today is my thirty-first birthday.

I was almost a little bummed about it, but, realized that really, it doesn't matter. We all get older and there's no point in getting depressed about it.  Life is what we make it. The life we get, the more we learn - hopefully - and the more enjoyment we get out of life.

I would like to think that the lessons I have learned have made me stronger and made me a better person. Anyway, I'm wondering now... what will the next thirty-none years of my life bring?

On Living in a Vacuum

So it had occurred to me that for most of my adult life, I've been living in a vacuum. I didn't see the entire big picture of things, which made decision-making a little easier than it should have been. In some cases, I really and truly made no conscious decision.

For many years, I lacked a sense of self-awareness and lacked any real self-esteem. Which led me to the place I am now. For the most part, although it wasn't a conscious decision on my part, I simply allowed things to happen around me. I allowed others to make decisions for me.

I have been living in a vacuum and having no real sense of time or sense of urgency concerning much of anything in my life. I hid behind spouses and children and used being a wife and mother or being a mother as an excuse to not really do anything with myself or my life.

When you give away your power, it's awfully difficult to gain it back. It's a very odd place to find yourself, when you realize that you gave up choices and control of yourself and your life simply because you had no idea how to make necessary decisions or because you had no idea how certain choices could or would affect your life.

The impact of my past actions or inactions has finally hit me in a way that I can no longer ignore. While I refuse to beat myself up for my past and refuse to live in said past, I do have to take responsibility and acknowledge that I certainly have had more to do with how things have turned out than I thought.

What a sobering thought. That I had more control than I believed at the time. And I'm now having to come to terms with the fact that I really did live in a naïve fashion. I'm all for positive thinking and for believing things will turn out for the best, but there's absolutely no reason - or excuse - to live like an ostrich with her head in the sand.

The most dangerous part of living as if in a vacuum is that while you're busy being oblivious and naïve, life is simply going along at warp speed and if you aren't careful, it goes in the wrong direction.

It takes a strong person to pull the plug on the vacuum and start navigating your own life. Some mistakes can never be corrected, while others are extremely difficult to change once they've begun to snowball. I am definitely stronger than I ever thought possible, but I am learning as I go... and I know that I am still not as strong as I need to be.

But at least the vacuum is no longer running, I'm no longer trapped inside. It's much better to be the one pushing the vacuum than simply riding inside.