Suicide Threats

If you or someone you know is suffering from depression, it's important to take the time to get help - for yourself, your loved one(s), whomever. Depression is a very serious issue and can be not just mentally debilitating, but also physically debilitating. Depression doesn't just affect the person suffering - it affects the others around them, affects relationships, jobs, finances, etc.

AND, here's another important issue when it comes to depression. If the person suffering from depression is considering suicide, seems suicidal or has made suicidal threats, it's VERY important to seek help immediately. Even when you may feel like the person is just attention-seeking or isn't serious about it, it's important to take the threat of suicide very seriously. A person who is suicidal or who is making threats of suicide isn't merely making threats, they are expressing, at a minimum, a desire to self-harm.

Suicide is not the way out, it's not the cure for depression. If you know someone who is depressed and they seem suicidal, talk of death or suicide or they have threatened suicide, TAKE IT SERIOUSLY. A person who threatens suicide - even if they aren't serious about it and are attention-seeking - is crying out for help. Please make it a point to try to get them professional help immediately. If you are depressed and/or feeling suicidal, then seek help for yourself.

Suicide is a life or death matter. Literally. And it's not a joke. If you need help, please call call 1-800-273-8255  (National Suicide Prevention Lifeline)

Shamelessly Promoting My Book!

Okay Everyone, here I am, SHAMELESSLY promoting my book! I'm nervous as heck to have anyone buy it or read it, but I also want the feedback. If you'd like to purchase my book, you can find it Amazon  http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00MSA51L8#

Please, if you buy my book and read it, please make sure to leave me a review or email me some type of feedback!

One Week

Well, I'm finally reaching the end of my journey with my first book, "The Truth About Life: Life Lessons from Rock Bottom." It's taken a very long time, several years, in fact, to reach this point. But I'm getting closer to getting finished with my final editing. I'm editing it myself, so I'm sure it won't be perfect, but I do feel like it's a good start, so maybe my next book will be even better.

I have some editing to finish and then I need to finish my conclusion and the final section about myself. I'm not really absolutely certain on this, but I'm thinking I should have it all finished within a week or less. I'm seeing the end in sight and I'm starting to get excited, although I'm definitely very nervous! This book has been a labor of love, a large time investment (as I could find it!) and I am nervous about throwing it out there for others to see and read!

I suppose that most authors feel that way about their books. I guess it's kind of like trying to share a peculiar idea or theory with a group of people and knowing that they may laugh at your idea or think your idea to be crazy. I guess that is one blessing of self-publishing through Amazon, because I can always go back and update it or modify it, if I should feel the need to do so.

While I'm certain that the book is something that will be useful to SOMEONE out there, I'm just not so certain about the number of people who will find it useful or worth reading. I am considering this to be very much like the dream one has about standing in front of a room full of people, only to find themselves naked. Writing a blog is one thing. But a book seems even more personal to me. And I really do feel as though there's a part of one that actually is laid bare before others when they write something.

So, I think it should be done in a week. And here's to hoping I won't wake up and find myself naked and being laughed at in front of a large group of people!

Ending a Long Day

So I had a long day today. Complete craziness. I didn't even work all that hard at my job, but between the heat outside and being in and out of air conditioning and my hot vehicle, I am just completely drained.

I came home between clients today and pit pork chops and brown gravy into the crock pot, now Im making mashed potatoes and Brussels sprouts to go with the pork chops. An easy enough dinner and something that I know everyone will eat. I better start brushing up on my menu and shopping plans and getting things situated, so that I can keep meals on the table at normal times once school starts back up.

  I don't know why I get so tired so easily lately, I guess that's just part of not being as young anymore and also part of my children getting a little bit older. Then, between work, school and raising kids who are in school, while also trying to maintain a household, I feel like I just never have enough time to get things done. Ah, such is life.

 Have a great evening everyone!

Reach for Your Goals

If you have nothing to strive for, then you have no goals or hopes for your life. If you have no goals or hopes, then what is the purpose of existence? We all have a purpose and destination in our lives, even when we may not realize what exactly that is. Sometimes, people never figure out what exactly their purpose for being is or was, but they have made a large impact in ways that they could never even begin to understand.

We are all here for a reason. Every challenge we face, happens for a reason. There's no other way to look at life and the challenges in life that we face. If we simply believe that things just happen and that we're just sitting here wandering aimlessly in the world, then we have no motivation or hope of ever reaching our goals, finding our hopes and dreams. This would make our lives pointless. And who wants to live a pointless life?

Every day that we live is another chance to get it right, another chance to do something to make a difference in our own lives and that of another. We come across all sorts of people in our daily lives that may be struggling with the same things that we are, sometimes struggling with things that we couldn't even begin to fathom... It's amazing how the little things can make an impact on another person. We are each where we are when we are supposed to be.

And in context of all of this, I urge you to reach for your goals. Keep reach and keep moving towards them, but never forget compassion or understanding for others. Keep hoping and dreaming, but make sure you spread the hope around and share it with others. Reaching for our goals shouldn't be a purely selfish undertaking, it needs to be done in such a way that we still live with compassion, empathy and that we still connect with others. 

People Suck Sometimes

You know, I don't understand what is wrong with people. I don't get why some people have to be so mean to other people or why they feel the need to be hateful or rude to those they supposedly love. Even if you don't particularly like someone, there's never an excuse to throw negativity out at them. If they are truly a bad person or have done something wrong, I really believe that Karma will come back and bite them in the ass, so why waste energy on negativity towards that person?

I really wish people wouldn't toss out negativity at others, especially when it's done as a defense mechanism to keep someone at a distance from them or as a way to hurt them before they themselves get hurt. I really wish that people could just learn to be nice and learn to treat others BETTER than they themselves would want to be treated. I get so tired of people who are constantly in a negative mind-set or who constantly throw out negativity at others.

Am I the only person who feels like this?

Giving Love a Chance... Or Not?

I'm kind of in a weird place right now. I meant to go to bed two hours ago. I have to work in the morning and I have a million things to get done tomorrow. I've lost focus of myself and my life path according to my most recent plan. I really hate when that happens. I hate being lost and hate feeling out of sorts. I hate feeling so out of control of myself and my own life.

I have a house full of kids. I am the primary parent and responsible person for four of them. This is an awesome and staggering responsibility. I'm not sure where I'm going with this. Other than, this much I do know. I am trying to be the parent and mother that ALL of my children need, I feel like I'm failing miserably. I feel like, while trying to be the mother I am supposed to be, I am failing them and also not being true to myself and what I need. How do women balance that which they want and need with what they must do?

I never pictured myself as a single mother - not in a million years. But, ultimately, that's what I am. I didn't plan this, didn't want this. Don't want this now. Just stuck and feeling stuck. I love my children, wouldn't trade them for anything on this earth, no matter what. I live and breath for my children. But every single thing I do is for them, and I am constantly second-guessing myself. I constantly wonder if maybe I ought not to be a bit more selfish and try to do what's best for myself also.

I know that love isn't easy. After three divorces, that's probably the biggest thing that I've learned. I'm frustrated. What do you do when you feel something and you know that if you say it that it would change your relationship with that person forever? Whether it's someone you're already with or a potential love interest? ANY relationship can change, as quickly as the time it takes to speak a few words. Life is so unfair.

We spend so much time waiting and hoping for love. Then, when we find love, it's not simple or easy and it's downright complicated. When does love get a chance? Do we actually give love a real chance? Do we speak words that could change everything? Or do we keep our mouths shut and just not rock the boat, thereby missing the chance we might have had?

Hopes and Dreams: Lost in Translation

I feel like sometimes, I'll never reach those goals I have set for myself - both as an adult and then the hopes and dreams of my childhood. I often feel lost and confused, sometimes like a little kid trying to play "grown-up." Am I the only person who ever feels like this? Surely not.

I know this isn't my typical upbeat and "live positive" post. I've been in a really weird mood lately. I've gone back and forth between being so excited and proud of myself for the progress I've made and then feeling as though I'm stuck in quicksand and sinking slowly. I guess we all go through periods like this, but mine happen so randomly and end so quickly, sometimes it's hard to keep up with the thoughts that are racing through my mind.

Believe it or not, I'm not very good at expressing myself. I envy those who know what they are feeling and can express it in an eloquent manner. Sometimes I can manage okay, but the rest of the time I'm not sure that I've accurately conveyed whatever it is that I am thinking or feeling - especially when I'm not really sure what it is that I am feeling.

I feel like my hopes and dreams have been on hold for most of my life, as though I've somehow lost sight of them while trying to translate the meaning and purpose of everyday life. All I know is that I have to keep moving, keep swimming in the rough waters of life and hope that I reach my goals and somehow, along the way, find my hopes and dreams too.

Be The Person You Are Meant To Be

We are all meant to be somebody. Perhaps not known throughout the world or famous. Perhaps not known for doing great acts, perhaps we are to be known for our small actions that make a difference. Perhaps we are meant to be the one who stands in the background and supports others. Maybe we're meant to change the world. Each and every one of us has a purpose and a reason for being, a person we are meant to be.

Are you who you are meant to be? How will you know when you are? Do you know who you are meant to be - or are you still trying to figure it out? How do we figure it out and take the path that we are meant to take? No. I don't have the answers. I don't believe that anyone has any of the answers - we all have to figure these things out for ourselves, in the time we are meant to.

Gauge your actions, reactions, your thoughts and emotions - figure out if you are or are becoming, the person you are meant to be. The only way you can find out is if you act and react and pay attention to the things in your life, in your heart, the things in your mind. Only you can know who you are meant to be and only you can know when you have become the person you are meant to be.

All any of us can do is go through life, keep learning and growing, and keep on moving - even if it means that sometimes we have to crawl or drag ourselves through the debris from the storms that life throws at us. Sometimes, I think that we find ourselves and who we are meant to be when we're right smack in the middle of the storm. Then it's up to us to find our way out and keep moving forward.

Be the person you are meant to be. Don't give up until you figure it out. Even when you feel lost, know that you have a purpose and a reason for being who you are and who you are meant to be. 

Freedom and Faith

Today is The 4th of July, America's Independence Day. I hope that each and every one of you is having a safe and happy Fourth of July, while you're busy celebrating American freedom.

While you're going about your celebrations and cookouts, watching fireworks and spending time with friends and family... Give a thought to those who gave their lives for our freedom, give a thankyou to those who have served or are still serving .

Freedom isn't free. It can come at a heavy price. Never take it for granted. Have a safe and happy 4th of July and remember not to drink and drive.

Divorce and Parenting

Divorce is extremely difficult, even without children. But if you have kids, it's even more difficult. Many divorced parents don't realize how much their fighting or discord actually affects their child(ren.) It can be difficult to be neutral or diplomatic during or after a divorce, but if you have children with your ex-spouse, it's of utmost importance that you set aside differences, anger and fighting and learn to at least be civil with your ex. 

If there are unresolved issues in your former relationship or if you and your ex-spouse have a history of dysfunction, it can be extremely difficult to come together and be successful at co-parenting your child(ren.) In cases like this, it can come down to a simple matter of, one of you needs to let things go and be the bigger person. Even if you feel like you might want to lash out at the other parent or want to talk negatively about the other parent to your child(ren,) it's extremely important for the well-being of everyone involved that you avoid doing this. 

The old saying "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all," definitely applies here. If you find that you can't put a positive spin on something concerning the other parent, if you find that you can't be diplomatic, then sometimes saying something like "We really can't discuss this right now" is best. Many times, children will feel the urge to attempt to "play parents" against one another, or they may even be holding out hope that their parents will get back together.

Avoid negative confrontations with your ex-spouse, try to come to some sort of compromise when it comes to the children or parenting the children, and definitely avoid letting your anger or resentment show to your children. Anger, resentment and other negativity affects children, it can confuse them, upset them, make them sad, angry and cause many other negative effects. 

Divorce and parenting isn't easy, but it can definitely be done, if both parties can do their best to set aside differences, past negative history and agree to do what is ultimately best for the children. Remember, many have divorced and successfully parented their children, as well, many have divorced and made things more difficult for the children. If divorce ultimately becomes a reality for your family - forgive the oxymoron, but - try to be a successful divorced parenting story.

New Beginnings, Again.

So my three littlest ones started a new daycare today. I'm not sure how I feel about it. We have used daycare before, but it hasn't been a constant in our/their lives. It was so hard to leave my 3 year old when he begged me not to leave him there.

 I'm on break at work now and counting down the hours until I can go get my little ones. I miss them terribly when they aren't with me. And, of course, leaving them in someone else's care is scary and a bit nervewracking too.

 I know it's a necessity at this point in time, and we have to adapt to this new change, but no one said I have to like it. And I don't, not one little bit. I guess it's not a matter of having to like it or not, but more a point of acceptance and making the best of a not so great situation.

If someone had told me fourteen years ago that I would have this many children, that I'd be a single mom to four children and that I would be going to school, working and have my four youngest kids in daycare, I'd have probably slapped them and called them a liar.

But, now, it's just another new beginning and life is full of new beginnings that we either learn to accept or that we let get the best of us. I choose to make a new beginning and thrive. My children will too. 

Chances or Choices?

Are you where you are in your life due to chances or choices? If you have to stop and think too hard about the answer to this question, perhaps you are not ready to live a life of authenticity with light and love. I'm not intending to sound harsh or as if I know everything, because I certainly don't know everything, but there is a certain level of self-awareness and self-honesty that is required to admit that a lot of things in our lives is due to choices of our own making.

When we can stop and be truly honest with ourselves and admit that we've made some not-so-great, even BAD, choices, then we can stop blaming chance and blaming others for our problems and the struggles in our lives and move forward. There is a certain amount of chance in life, chance can sometimes cause some degree of difficulty in our lives. But when it comes to chance, even when we cannot control our circumstances, we still can control our reactions or choices that result from chance events.

So, are you living a life of chance or choice? Do you feel like your life is beyond your own control? Or are you in control of your circumstances? When something happens that is beyond your control, do you make choices or do you simply throw your hands up and say "there's nothing I can do" and just let things happen? I beg of you, choose to live a life of choice. Allow no one and nothing to control you or your life, don't sit and wait for things to change, make the choice to change things yourself. And keep moving. 

Living Authentically

Are we true to ourselves, our hopes, our dreams? Do we live within our proclaimed values and morals? Do we feel like we can be our true selves or do we feel the need to wear a mask or to be someone we are not? A life lived in disguise, lived based on what others think we should do, is a life wasted.

I wish someone had told me that years ago, instead of learning it the hard way.

For too many years, I lived within the ideals of what I believed was best, simply because it was what everyone expected of me. I attempted to hide my true self and attempted to avoid confrontation or doing anything to "rock the boat" in attempts to make others happy. I found myself hiding my true thoughts, feelings, beliefs and ideas. I wore a mask that I never took off, even with those who were supposed to be closest to me.

That's absolutely no way to live.

I found that in trying to please others, I pleased no one and I made myself absolutely miserable. It's like I kept waiting for permission to be myself, for permission to pursue my interests, kept waiting on something to change so that I could be happy or be myself. And then I discovered, I was absolutely miserable, I was unhappy and I had the power all along to change my life and be happy. I found out that it's completely okay to be myself.

What an amazing discovery! I can be myself and if there is someone who doesn't approve or like it, then it's their problem and they don't belong in my life. I can live my life as myself, live for each moment, be happy and be at peace. This is what I call living authentically. I can be truly myself and be true to my beliefs and reach for my goals. I think it is much better to live this way, leaving no room for negativity and naysayers, than to live behind a mask, locked in an invisible box and feeling trapped.

It's an amazing freedom to be yourself and live your life authentically. I encourage anyone to try it. Find your true self, live as your true self, live authentically... and find the happiness that you deserve.

It's All UP From Here!

Wow, this has been a crazy few years. Starting in 2010, when my marriage began to crumble right after my youngest child was born, then meeting my new love, whom I've now been with for 3 years, to starting college and now being a year away from graduating with my Associate's degree in Psychology, it's been a rough ride. Finally, last year, the May 20th tornado of Moore, Oklahoma took out our life as we knew it. Then, a month ago, my boyfriend had a massive heart attack.

I had an epiphany this morning. Even when life is at it's lowest point and even when you seemingly can't go anywhere, the only option becomes to move forward and go up from there. So, even though I've been down for the last few years, it's all UP from here. Our life path is our choice, we CHOOSE the direction we move in. Starting today, I'm choosing to go forward and up.

While I haven't been writing much the last several months (obviously, I've been horrible at keeping a blog!), I am now more motivated than ever to start writing again and KEEP writing. For me, writing is an outlet, but it also allows me to connect with others on a deeper level. Find something that's important to you and make it a priority in your life. Family and friends are a given as to what should be a priority in your life.... I'm talking about other things that are important to you.

Find your own path, choose to move forward and realize, it's all up from here. Seriously. When you get down to a certain level, the only choice is to go back up. 

Thoughts on Negativity

Negativity is one of the many pitfalls of life. Too often, we allow that negativity to consume us and ruin our day, we find ourselves dwelling on the negatives and forget all about anything that might actually be positive. I'm here to remind you that it doesn't have to be that way. If you find yourself dwelling on the negative, you'll find yourself living in a bubble of darkness, you'll find that you have no enjoyment in life.

Focusing on the positive will balance out the negativity in your life, it can even help to minimize it. All you need to do is simply find one thing each morning to be thankful for in your life. If you can find one positive thing to focus on, then this helps to keep negativity at bay and you won't drown in the waves of negativity.

Negativity will always be there, it's a natural part of life, but you needn't feel like that is all there is in your life. Simply choose to focus on the positive and you will find that life doesn't seem as full of negativity. Find a life that makes you happy, find something that you can be happy about, that you can be thankful for. Please find something good about the present, the here and now and let go of negativity. You will find, as you focus on more positivity, that the negative begins to disappear or not seem so daunting and you will find peace.

Life, Exhaustion and Second Chances

After the crazy week we've had here, with Sweetie's heart attack, his hospital stay, getting him home, me starting a new job and trying to work around everything else going on, I'm definitely exhausted! I have come to the realization that there are many different levels and types of exhaustion. I think that there are at least three and then there are combinations thereof.

Physical, mental and emotional would be the three types of exhaustion and any of them can be extremely draining, but even more so, if you are dealing with a combination of the three. I'm not sure what level I'm at, I just know I'm very tired. I'm just feeling drained and slightly overwhelmed. A simpler word for what I am feeling right now, would be "stress." Yep. Definitely stressed.

Life has a funny way of throwing things at you when you least expect it and feel the least equipped to handle it. Knowing or suspecting something could happen and it actually happening are two different things. We knew that Sweetie was having some health issues and I have always worried about his health and the possibility of major complications, but actually knowing that he almost died is quite another story altogether.

All I can take away from this situation is this: Everything in life happens for some reason or another. I truly believe that we can learn or grow from anything that we deal with in life, whether it be good or bad. I feel like this has been a major wake-up call to pay attention to our health, to get healthy and to not take each other - or life - for granted. He has been given a second chance at life and it's been rough, but it's definitely going to be okay in the end, because it's enough of a motivator to not want to waste the chance we are given.

With that, I am now taking my exhausted self to bed with my Sweetie and I will check-in when I get another chance! Have a great weekend everyone!

An End to a Rough Week

My boyfriend had a heart attack Wednesday afternoon. It's been a rough week. His heart attack actually started late Tuesday night, but it didn't get bad enough until Wednesday afternoon for him to realize how serious it was and then he finally had me take him to the emergency room.

I picked him up from work, dropped him off at the emergency room, went and picked up my kids from school, then I went back to the hospital to find out what was going on with him after I handed the kids off to his sister. When I got to the hospital, they were getting ready to transport him to the Heart Hospital to have a cath procedure done on his heart and put a stint in where a blockage was.

So, I rode in the ambulance with him to the Oklahoma Heart Hospital and then waited while he was in surgery. I have never been so worried in my life! The procedure went well and after he made it out of recovery and was put into a room, I finally got to see him. He said, even coming out of anesthetic, that he was already feeling a TON better!

As we found out, he has not just high blood pressure and another blockage in his heart, but he is also diabetic with high cholesterol. He was released from the hospital yesterday and we had to fill six medications. No word from the doctor yet as to what they are wanting to do about the second blockage. I have had one of the craziest weeks in my life. Between worrying about Sweetie and taking care of kids, plus working, I found myself feeling a bit overwhelmed.

This means some major lifestyle and diet changes - for BOTH of us. But we are looking at this like a second chance and we're hoping to get it right and both of us get healthier. I am so thankful that we got him to the hospital when we did and that he made it through surgery just fine and I am thankful that he took this as the wakeup call that it is. Now, it's time for both of us to get some rest and start moving forward.

So, there's my ending to a rough week. How did your week go?

Oklahoma City Festival of The Arts, 2014

Thoughts on Support Groups

I ran a Yahoo Group for many years, with many difficulties over the years. Some of it was stuff simply between members, other stuff was between admins and myself. Over time, the group simply fizzled out, especially as it couldn't take the pressure of issues I myself (as the group owner and primary admin) was having and disputes about the group and focus of the group.

I see here, a great group with a potential to be a completely awesome place for support for everyone.  What troubles me is the seeming discord between admins and former admins, not simply about how much one should pull their own weight or what each one should do, but also about the purpose or goal of the group.

To me, a place of support, is just that. A place of support. Where, members support one another through common issues and realize that they are not alone. I may have this entirely wrong or my memory might be off, but I don't remember during my time running my Yahoo groups ever expecting an admin to be there at all times, sometimes, this just isn't humanly possible. This is where the other members of the group step in and support one another. Again, just my two-cents, for whatever that may be worth.

If someone is having such serious issues that they are considering taking their own life, that is really scary and perfectly understandable why people would want someone to be available at all times. And while this is a wonderful idea and I fully support it, there are simply times where it isn't going to be possible.. This is why links to the Suicide Hotline and other resources are posted frequently and prominently in any support group (online and offline), because it is almost impossible to always be there for someone. This puts an insane amount of pressure on everyone to try to "be there" for everyone else and to be supportive - but it can cause a lot of stress and un-necessary discord. At the end of the day, we are all human beings.

The responsibility of preventing someone from committing suicide is no one else's but the individual considering it. All anyone can do is try to talk someone out of it, contact the necessary emergency resources to seek help for themselves or another suicidal person and keep talking to the person. But, IF, god forbid, someone actually does it, there usually is no blame to be placed on those who are left behind. Too many times, I've seen large amounts of guilt in survivors of suicide, thinking that if they'd said something more or done something more, then it wouldn't have happened. That kind of thinking scares me, because it's a very unhealthy form of self-blame and places a lot of responsibility on someone's shoulders - that is the type of thinking that can destroy a person mentally and emotionally.

While running a support group and being part of a support group requires a certain amount of give and take, we all have lives outside of whatever group we are in - this doesn't just include support groups, this can include hobby groups, clubs, etc. I find it admirable that everyone would like to consider the group a job, if not in the literal sense, but as a responsibility, It is unfair to everyone - including one's self - to place that kind of pressure on ourselves and others.

What I would like to see from a support group is to see all members be there for one another as much as they can, with minimal issue between admins or other members of the group. I would like to see a fully supportive environment for everyone, while remembering at the end of the day, that we are all human beings and that we are all here for the same reason.

I've learned a lot in the years since I initially began my first Yahoo group for depression support. And I've learned one thing - depression, bipolar, all those other issues, they're VERY REAL. Those issues are not in my head or yours, and it's wonderful to have a supportive place to be without all the drama or discord that tends to already be in our individual personal lives, within our families, etc. I remember a time when I was way too harsh with others for their seeming "drama" or "failures" and forgot that they were also human beings with the same issues that I had, which was why we were all there.

Recently, after a 3 year seperation and a divorce that has dragged on way too long, finding myself a single parent, ending a relationship of almost 3 years and trying to go to school fulltime, along with dealing with my children and each of their individual issues, I have found myself at the lowest point I have **EVER** been at. It's a scary and very lonely place to be..... a place I only THOUGHT I had been and understood before this.

During a time when we should be supporting one another and trying to be there for each other, while getting support for our own issues, this is not the time to be having discord or disputes. My heart hurts to see this, because we are all human beings with real thoughts, feelings and emotions - fighting some of the very same demons and probably all feeling a little alone even when someone else is there.