Gratitude and Gratefulness

Gratitude and gratefulness. These are two very important words that everyone should know, but better yet, they should be incorporated into everyone's being and daily life. But there is a slight difference between the two.

Gratitude is an abstract noun, it's a description, an abstract way to describe someone being "thankful." Most definitions used the example of someone doing one a kindness, one saying "thank you" and then being *grateful* for the other person's kindness. It's an abstract THING or emotion.

Gratefulness is an attitude, an adjective, it's a way of thinking and feeling. Most definitions that I ran across for "grateful" stated that it is an adjective and it is to "show appreciation for kindness." Hmmm. That's interesting.

Both describe a feeling or emotion, but from different sides. But both are so very important. It's not enough to just say "thank-you" and be thankful for another's kindness, you also need to show appreciation. This means not simply saying "thank you," but expressing your gratitude in other ways... perhaps offering to do something nice, making sure to be polite and respectful to the person(s) that did something for you, etc.

No one gets anywhere in life without remaining humble, having gratitude for the things they have or are given, and also being grateful for the things that others do for them. Sometimes it's a matter of basic good manners, other times it's about having the right attitude and respecting others.

Watch For My Second Book... Coming Soon!

I have been a horrible blogger lately. I know I have. I think that sometimes, we let life get in the way of living life or of doing those things that we enjoy. I'm also horribly behind on my second book right now. I have been slowly working on it here and there, but just now finally getting truly motivated to get it finished. My second book is called "Finding Your Place in Life," I am hoping to have it completed by the end of the first week of March. 

It's been a long time coming, considering I started working on both of my book manuscripts a long time ago. But, I wanted to make sure that I said what I wanted to say and that I expressed myself appropriately. It takes a lot of time and effort to write, especially when one has to go back and edit and re-edit or delete entire paragraphs, just to get one point across the right way. I'm not so certain that I've managed to do this correctly, but, I'm a work in progress, and so is my writing.

Making Do With Less

We live in a society that seems to be largely focused on monetary wealth and material things. Too often, we focus so much on earning money and trying to get "ahead" that we don't realize that we're spending our time on making and spending money, rather than spending that time doing things we actually enjoy or with our loved ones. If you have to ask yourself if you are too focused on acquiring wealth and material things, chances are, you are.

Instead of worrying about what you don't have or trying so hard to acquire that which you do not have, try being thankful for what you do have and asking yourself if that which you are striving for is really something you NEED. Can you make do with less? Can you make do without that which you are working so hard to acquire? There are a few basic necessities in life - food, clothing, shelter, transportation... These do not have to be elaborate, name-brand or "fancy. " We only need that which sustains us and allows us to live in reasonable comfort.

Anything else besides things we "need" and keepsakes, is just extra "fluff." Trust me, we could all probably get by with a lot less than what we do.. unless you are already homeless or destitute, you probably have unneccessary items and unneccessary expenses. When the tornado took out my life as I knew it last year, my kids and I had our lives turned completely upside down, but we also began to look at it as a blessing in disguise, because we needed to downsize and de-clutter our home and our life.

My point is, making do with less isn't about living "poor" or being poor... it's about being happy with what you have in the true context of what it is. Focus your life on other people and being happy, not how much you can make, spend or acquire.

BUY MY NEW BOOK HERE!!!!

Intentional Living and Tiny Houses

I'm feeling a bit out of sorts lately, so I haven't spent much time writing at all. First, I've been, quite literally, sick and tired. Between a massive headache that never quite seems to go away, and a fever and chills that keeps coming back, I have just felt awful.

All that aside. I still have to work, so when I wasn't running a fever, I was still trying to work. Yup. Didn't work as well as I had hoped. Im still behind on work, totally lost focus on my writing and I'm still not feeling well. Yuck.

But enough of my complaining... I've been pondering a few things for awhile now and I'm not exactly sure where they tie in to any of my goals or hopes, dreams or even my basic ideals. We all know that I am one to discuss positivity, optimism and making a positive mark on the world.

 But what about intentional living? That is, living with positive intent and purpose. Are we each doing so? Somehow, I doubt that we are. In a world filled with a focus on money, acquiring wealth and material things, we lose sight of what is important and that which we really desire. Which brings me to the other subject in my title - tiny houses - what would that be like? To have the space you NEED to live and shelter yourself and your family, with no waste of space or possessions?

Iam doing research on tiny houses and alternate forms of housing. I don't know why, but I feel like this is something I'd like to know more about, even if I don't ever so something like that. That, and homesteading... I'm curious about how simply life could be lived, and inexpensively, while still maintaining a good quality of life without all of the trappings of material things that society seems to expect of us. I'll keep you posted... This looks to be the start of an interesting journey...

Tips for Keeping Your Sanity in Daily Life

Insanity happens. Yup. Truly. There's simply no way to avoid insanity or chaos as long as you are alive. Our daily lives are unpredictable and anything can happen in a single moment. This is why it's important to do your best to keep yourself sane and as un-stressed as possible when dealing with daily life. If you go through your daily life feeling crazy and being stressed, you're going to wind up having a mental collapse or barely surviving unexpected life events.

It's absolutely important to your sanity to take care of yourself first and foremost. I know that might sound selfish to some people, but you will be absolutely no good for anyone else or in a situation that requires you to be strong if you aren't eating correctly, getting enough sleep or exercising regularly. If you don't take care of you, then you can't take care of anyone else - even when it's needed. So, take good care of your body, it's the only one you've got or will ever have. Treat your body like the complex machine it is and give it the proper respect and care that it deserves.

Another way to keep your sanity in daily life is to make sure that you have a solid support system. Whether it's family members, close friends or even a counselor or support group - it's absolutely essential that you give yourself a safe place to vent, get advice or have someone you can bounce ideas off of. Knowing that you are accepted and loved can go a long way towards maintaining your sanity and stress levels in moments of insanity or chaos. If you don't have this support system, I strongly suggest that you seek one out... even an online support group is better than no support system at all.

I think that you should make time to pursue things you enjoy - hobbies such as reading, writing, sewing, singing, fishing, etc... just whatever it is that you enjoy. Give yourself permission to take a break from "real life" and pursue those things that make you happy. Give yourself an outlet for creativity and relaxation. If you constantly feel as though you don't have time for things you enjoy, then it's definitely time to make time for those things. Even if it's only fifteen minutes a day, give yourself time for hobbies.

Managing stress and keeping your sanity in daily life isn't always easy, but it's definitely possible. And it's probably a lot easier than you think. Just make sure to give yourself time to breath and don't beat yourself up for the things you don't manage to get done or the things you think you "should" do. Just take things one day at a time and tackle one obstacle and one crisis at a time. Your sanity will thank you for it.

Giving Love a Chance... Or Not?

I'm kind of in a weird place right now. I meant to go to bed two hours ago. I have to work in the morning and I have a million things to get done tomorrow. I've lost focus of myself and my life path according to my most recent plan. I really hate when that happens. I hate being lost and hate feeling out of sorts. I hate feeling so out of control of myself and my own life.

I have a house full of kids. I am the primary parent and responsible person for four of them. This is an awesome and staggering responsibility. I'm not sure where I'm going with this. Other than, this much I do know. I am trying to be the parent and mother that ALL of my children need, I feel like I'm failing miserably. I feel like, while trying to be the mother I am supposed to be, I am failing them and also not being true to myself and what I need. How do women balance that which they want and need with what they must do?

I never pictured myself as a single mother - not in a million years. But, ultimately, that's what I am. I didn't plan this, didn't want this. Don't want this now. Just stuck and feeling stuck. I love my children, wouldn't trade them for anything on this earth, no matter what. I live and breath for my children. But every single thing I do is for them, and I am constantly second-guessing myself. I constantly wonder if maybe I ought not to be a bit more selfish and try to do what's best for myself also.

I know that love isn't easy. After three divorces, that's probably the biggest thing that I've learned. I'm frustrated. What do you do when you feel something and you know that if you say it that it would change your relationship with that person forever? Whether it's someone you're already with or a potential love interest? ANY relationship can change, as quickly as the time it takes to speak a few words. Life is so unfair.

We spend so much time waiting and hoping for love. Then, when we find love, it's not simple or easy and it's downright complicated. When does love get a chance? Do we actually give love a real chance? Do we speak words that could change everything? Or do we keep our mouths shut and just not rock the boat, thereby missing the chance we might have had?

Confusion Reigns Supreme

Yep. I've decided that confusion is an inevitable part of life. Especially when it comes to interpersonal relationships and choosing your own personal path in life. What does one do whenever they are faced with numerous choices and potential paths and each outcome would be drastically different than another? Usually, I recommend that you sit down and write lists of pros and cons for each potential choice you could make.

However, sometimes this simply isn't enough. Especially when deep emotions are involved - the kind of emotions that one can't get over or get around, the kind of emotions that you can't push to the back while you make a decision. So what does one do whenever they are faced with this kind of choice? Honestly, I have no idea whatsoever. If you're facing two different choices and both carry such strong emotions that you can't make a decision, what's the deciding factor? I don't know that either.

When you feel like you're stuck in mud and just spinning your wheels, it's hard to know what to do. When the idea of making a choice sends you spinning and you feel as though you're free-falling into a never-ending abyss, what do you do? I wish I had the answers. All I know is that it happens in life, situations where we are faced with choices so drastic that either choice would change everything and then you are faced with trying to decide and simply don't know which direction to take, all because you can't get past emotions.

I'm a fairly logical person. Most of the time. I tend to analyze and even OVER analyze everything, but this time, analyzing things isn't helping. If anything, my logic and analytical skills are failing me. I think they may be making it worse. There are decisions I need to make, each choice I am facing carries such strong emotions with them that I can't see past the emotions of the decisions needing to be made. I feel like I'm stuck in quick-sand and simply unable to move. Paralyzed. Out of breath. Waiting.

But what am I waiting for? Maybe some sort of sign or signal as to which direction I should go? Maybe for something or someone to give me a clue about where I need to go and be? Maybe I should do nothing? Maybe I am just so confused and so emotional that I can't see my way around the choices before me, I know I have to make some decisions... I just don't know how to go about it.

For the first time in my life, I'm feeling more out of control and confused than I recall ever feeling. I HATE feeling so damn helpless and confused. I'm stronger than this. Now, if I can just figure it out......

Be The Person You Are Meant To Be

We are all meant to be somebody. Perhaps not known throughout the world or famous. Perhaps not known for doing great acts, perhaps we are to be known for our small actions that make a difference. Perhaps we are meant to be the one who stands in the background and supports others. Maybe we're meant to change the world. Each and every one of us has a purpose and a reason for being, a person we are meant to be.

Are you who you are meant to be? How will you know when you are? Do you know who you are meant to be - or are you still trying to figure it out? How do we figure it out and take the path that we are meant to take? No. I don't have the answers. I don't believe that anyone has any of the answers - we all have to figure these things out for ourselves, in the time we are meant to.

Gauge your actions, reactions, your thoughts and emotions - figure out if you are or are becoming, the person you are meant to be. The only way you can find out is if you act and react and pay attention to the things in your life, in your heart, the things in your mind. Only you can know who you are meant to be and only you can know when you have become the person you are meant to be.

All any of us can do is go through life, keep learning and growing, and keep on moving - even if it means that sometimes we have to crawl or drag ourselves through the debris from the storms that life throws at us. Sometimes, I think that we find ourselves and who we are meant to be when we're right smack in the middle of the storm. Then it's up to us to find our way out and keep moving forward.

Be the person you are meant to be. Don't give up until you figure it out. Even when you feel lost, know that you have a purpose and a reason for being who you are and who you are meant to be. 

Divorce and Parenting

Divorce is extremely difficult, even without children. But if you have kids, it's even more difficult. Many divorced parents don't realize how much their fighting or discord actually affects their child(ren.) It can be difficult to be neutral or diplomatic during or after a divorce, but if you have children with your ex-spouse, it's of utmost importance that you set aside differences, anger and fighting and learn to at least be civil with your ex. 

If there are unresolved issues in your former relationship or if you and your ex-spouse have a history of dysfunction, it can be extremely difficult to come together and be successful at co-parenting your child(ren.) In cases like this, it can come down to a simple matter of, one of you needs to let things go and be the bigger person. Even if you feel like you might want to lash out at the other parent or want to talk negatively about the other parent to your child(ren,) it's extremely important for the well-being of everyone involved that you avoid doing this. 

The old saying "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all," definitely applies here. If you find that you can't put a positive spin on something concerning the other parent, if you find that you can't be diplomatic, then sometimes saying something like "We really can't discuss this right now" is best. Many times, children will feel the urge to attempt to "play parents" against one another, or they may even be holding out hope that their parents will get back together.

Avoid negative confrontations with your ex-spouse, try to come to some sort of compromise when it comes to the children or parenting the children, and definitely avoid letting your anger or resentment show to your children. Anger, resentment and other negativity affects children, it can confuse them, upset them, make them sad, angry and cause many other negative effects. 

Divorce and parenting isn't easy, but it can definitely be done, if both parties can do their best to set aside differences, past negative history and agree to do what is ultimately best for the children. Remember, many have divorced and successfully parented their children, as well, many have divorced and made things more difficult for the children. If divorce ultimately becomes a reality for your family - forgive the oxymoron, but - try to be a successful divorced parenting story.

Chances or Choices?

Are you where you are in your life due to chances or choices? If you have to stop and think too hard about the answer to this question, perhaps you are not ready to live a life of authenticity with light and love. I'm not intending to sound harsh or as if I know everything, because I certainly don't know everything, but there is a certain level of self-awareness and self-honesty that is required to admit that a lot of things in our lives is due to choices of our own making.

When we can stop and be truly honest with ourselves and admit that we've made some not-so-great, even BAD, choices, then we can stop blaming chance and blaming others for our problems and the struggles in our lives and move forward. There is a certain amount of chance in life, chance can sometimes cause some degree of difficulty in our lives. But when it comes to chance, even when we cannot control our circumstances, we still can control our reactions or choices that result from chance events.

So, are you living a life of chance or choice? Do you feel like your life is beyond your own control? Or are you in control of your circumstances? When something happens that is beyond your control, do you make choices or do you simply throw your hands up and say "there's nothing I can do" and just let things happen? I beg of you, choose to live a life of choice. Allow no one and nothing to control you or your life, don't sit and wait for things to change, make the choice to change things yourself. And keep moving. 

It's All UP From Here!

Wow, this has been a crazy few years. Starting in 2010, when my marriage began to crumble right after my youngest child was born, then meeting my new love, whom I've now been with for 3 years, to starting college and now being a year away from graduating with my Associate's degree in Psychology, it's been a rough ride. Finally, last year, the May 20th tornado of Moore, Oklahoma took out our life as we knew it. Then, a month ago, my boyfriend had a massive heart attack.

I had an epiphany this morning. Even when life is at it's lowest point and even when you seemingly can't go anywhere, the only option becomes to move forward and go up from there. So, even though I've been down for the last few years, it's all UP from here. Our life path is our choice, we CHOOSE the direction we move in. Starting today, I'm choosing to go forward and up.

While I haven't been writing much the last several months (obviously, I've been horrible at keeping a blog!), I am now more motivated than ever to start writing again and KEEP writing. For me, writing is an outlet, but it also allows me to connect with others on a deeper level. Find something that's important to you and make it a priority in your life. Family and friends are a given as to what should be a priority in your life.... I'm talking about other things that are important to you.

Find your own path, choose to move forward and realize, it's all up from here. Seriously. When you get down to a certain level, the only choice is to go back up. 

Confusion of the Heart

I don't know about the rest of you, but I know that I get awfully confused whenever I am in a relationship and things aren't going so smoothly. My most recent relationship has been an on-again, off-again roller coaster for almost three years. I know "G" and I love each other, I know we could work things out if we were both willing to try to compromise and really work at it.

But, sometimes it really is and ISN'T that simple. I think "G" and I are back "on" again at this point. I'm hoping, with a little bit of time and some effort, that we can really make a "go" of things this time. I know that my mind is saying that, logically, this shouldn't and couldn't possibly work. My heart, however, says that it can and that it just might this time. You just simply never know what direction things will go. Which is where my confusion lies.

So what do you do when one is confused about matters of the heart? The best suggestion that I can make for myself - or anyone else - is to simply take things one day at a time, one step at a time. Don't think negatively and don't expect too much of yourself or the other person - that type of expectation demands that someone be perfect. If you yourself are not perfect, how can you expect or demand perfection from your significant other?

When it comes to relationship - complicated or not - it's best to simply give you and your partner both room to grow, assess things, know what you and he/she wants and if there is doubt, give it time and don't place pressure on yourself or the other person. Somehow, I think that "G" and I are gonna be okay, whether we manage to work things out or not.

Hopefully, this new year is bringing you love - in the right way - and all of the happiness you and your significant other can handle! Living in light and love, for 2014!

Coming to Acceptance

I know that there are truly very few things in life that we can control. For many of us though, we tend to try to control almost everything or feel the need to. Sometimes, we feel the need to try to control others in our lives or control their actions. Here's a tidbit of information that I've just recently learned - you can't control another person and their actions, all you can control is yourself and your own actions or reactions.

Coming to acceptance about the fact that I cannot control as many things as I'd like, however, is another story. It has been no easy task to accept that I'm not in charge of things, especially because I tend to be a bit bossy and perhaps even a bit of a control freak. However, slowly, with time - and a lot of frustration and pain - I am coming to realize that I can't control a large part of what happens around me.

I can't MAKE things happen the way I want them to all the time, all I can do is keep moving towards a positive goal and take one step at a time until I finally achieve it. This means that, to some degree, I have to occasionally give up that control that I so desperately feel the need to have and let things fall into place as I walk the path I know I need to be on.

I may not be able to control everything that happens or how it happens or the results, but as long as I'm moving in a positive direction when things happen, I won't find myself getting so derailed that I can't get back on track. So, there's my acceptance. I am accepting that I can move myself any direction I want or need to, but there are going to be obstacles in my path or events that seem to be discouraging me.

Accepting that things happen, and often for a reason, is a good way to stay on track and accept that I cannot control everything. I accept things in my life that are both positive and negative, because each person, place, event, etc - has a lesson to teach me and there is something that I can learn. Life is all about learning from our experiences to become the person we are meant to be, why not accept those lessons with grace and patience?

Living in Light and Love in 2014!

Endings and Beginnings

So, after almost 3 years, my most recent relationship has ended. I wasn't really surprised. It was a crazy, up and down kind of relationship. I think I'm most surprised that it lasted as long as it did. This relationship was one of those insane, feel-an-instant-connection, dive head-first into it kind of relationships. One that seemed OH so perfect and wrong all at the same time.

But, sometimes, even when all of the emotions are right and the commitment is there, a relationship simply can't withstand the pressures of life and it can't continue. When you have two people who are not only complete opposites, but also at completely different points in their lives, it is almost impossible for the relationship to succeed.

In the end, in a situation like this, sometimes the only way to go is down, or, more dramatically, the relationship collides straight into a brick wall. I think that's what happened here. In the end, there was no room for compromise on either side and neither of us could see where the other was coming from. Our individual goals were nowhere near one another's and we simply couldn't continue as we had been without compromise. In  the end, there was no compromise made.

I am saddened by this and I will miss him terribly. I really and truly had thought we had a chance at a future together. And while I don't really understand why things ended the way they did and why we couldn't work it out, I know that, perhaps, it just isn't the right time for me to be in a relationship. If I had one word to describe this man and what he means to me, it would be, HOPE. Through meeting him, loving him and being loved by him, I felt hope through most of it.

To me, this relationship brought hope at true happiness, real love and a life with a supportive significant other. I can never thank him enough for all that my relationship with him has taught me - through the good and bad, it taught me that we ALL deserve to be loved, we ALL deserve to be an equal partner in a relationship and to HAVE an equal partner, I learned that fear has no place in our lives and I learned that the only way to make a relationship work is through give and take and compromise.

So, while my relationship with him has come to an end, I know that it is another step in my own personal journey and I know that every story eventually comes to an end, but it's our job to write a GOOD story, rather than a BAD one. I take from this relationship hope and faith in love again and know that there is a time and place for everything in one's life, and that sometimes, it's simply not the right time.

I take the positives from this relationship and leave the negativity. I take with me the knowledge and feeling that I loved and was loved, even if it was only for a little while. I have hope that I might have that again someday, when the time is right. And I also know that people enter our lives for a reason and they leave our lives for a reason. Sometimes paths cross again and sometimes they don't.

Here's to endings and beginnings in 2014!

A Life, Interrupted.

Have you ever felt like an event in your life has so totally derailed things that your life has actually been interrupted and basically suspended, indefinitely? I have had this occur a few times in my life and have discovered something - I don't care for it much at all. I think that sometimes, these interruptions, so to speak, can be external events, internal events, relationships beginning or ending or just about anything that causes emotional trauma.

So what does one do, when they are living a life interrupted? The first thing to do is to realize that your circumstances do not define who you are. Relationships do not define who you are. Events in your past or present do not define who you are as a person. You can live your life despite your past or even present, as long as you remember that this interruption, or suspension, is never permanent. As long as you do not allow the interruption to paralyze you into inaction, you can, indeed, pick up and move through life again.

A life interrupted is difficult. Sometimes we are waiting on a certain event or waiting on circumstances to change, before we are able to begin picking up pieces and continue moving on. This is difficult to do - waiting is often a stressful task and it can seem to drag on forever. So, while you're waiting, find something positive and productive to focus on and do. For some of us, this can mean writing a blog, keeping a journal to track progress or feelings, learn a new hobby or skill or volunteer to help others.

Any positive changes in your life are steps you are taking to end the interruption that has occurred. Meet each obstacle head-on and keep moving, even when it feels as though your progress has been slowed or come to a halt. You might eventually come to realize that even when you thought things were stopped, you actually moved forward without realizing it. And meeting a negative event or emotion in your life with a positive and determined attitude will cancel out the negativity and open up your options, clear your mind and heal your heart.

Here's to living an uninterrupted and positive 2014!

3 Days into The New Year...

So, we're three days into 2014. How's your year starting out?

My new year is starting out rather oddly. I have a feeling that I am coming up on some major decisions about some personal relationships, which I am a little nervous about. I am also getting ready to start a new semester in college - since each semester has become progressively harder, I know that this one will be no less challenging. I am going to really need to watch myself for the time being and make it a point not to let the negativity and difficulties get to me.

As I've said at various points in my life, and now, as a reminder to myself and all of you out there reading this: "I am stronger than my challenges and struggles. I will not let negativity win. I am not my past." This goes for everyone.

Keep on living in light and love for 2014!

A New Year: New Goals and Another Chance

Another year has passed us by... we have left 2013 behind and entered 2014. The new year always brings with it, hopes for change and we often set goals, or "resolutions." We are two days into the new year, and I have yet to actually finish my "resolutions." Why are those resolutions so important?

If we were all honest, most of us don't actually end up following through with those resolutions and we end up feeling a great sense of failure about it. So, one might ask, what's the point? Why bother setting goals for one's self if one isn't going to even bother to meet those goals?

All of us have the desire to change something in our lives, even if it's not something major, perhaps a bad habit, a minor organizational issue, etc.. We always seem to feel the urge to make "resolutions" at the beginning of a new year to change these things.

The problem is, making a "Resolution" can seem like a "do or die" affair and we tend to push ourselves harder than necessary or we simply give up when we decide it feels too difficult. How about making those resolutions easier to keep? What if, we simply don't call them resolutions? How about setting smaller goals, marking them off as we reach them, and then aiming for an ultimate large goal, rather than trying to do it all at once and frustrating and discouraging ourselves?

Each day is another chance to get life right, each year is another opportunity to make our life what we want it. Are we simply struggling and trying too hard to "get it right?" Or are we taking each day, week, month and year as it comes, moving in the right direction, but not pressuring ourselves while we take the time to savor the good, learn from our experiences and make happy memories as well?

I leave you with this. In 2014, make your life your own. Don't worry about all you may not achieve. Instead, worry about making your positive mark on this world, learning from your experiences and enjoying life while you move towards your ultimate goals. A new day will begin tomorrow, and you will have another chance to get things right.

Here's to a positive 2014!

It's Monday Again

Well, Good Morning Everyone, it's Monday again. Why does everyone seem to hate Monday so much? Is it due to (typically) it being the first day of a work week? Is it because most of us hate going back to work after relaxing for 2 days? What is it about Mondays that just tend to make people cringe?

Regardless, today is Monday. The kids and I have stuff to get done, but we aren't overwhelmed with an excessive amount of activity. Just some grocery shopping and a doctor's appointment for my 8 year old son. We may meet up with an old friend we haven't seen in a few years, that would be nice. I really hate losing touch with those I love.

So, as I journey through today, I will keep in mind a quote I read last night;
“Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words
And never stops at all.”
― Emily Dickinson

With this in mind, I offer to all of you the gift of hope today. Hope that your day goes well, hope that whatever difficult thing it is that you're struggling with will be resolved, hope that you feel hope in yourself and your future as you travel along today's path.

Happy Monday Everyone!

On Living in a Vacuum

So it had occurred to me that for most of my adult life, I've been living in a vacuum. I didn't see the entire big picture of things, which made decision-making a little easier than it should have been. In some cases, I really and truly made no conscious decision.

For many years, I lacked a sense of self-awareness and lacked any real self-esteem. Which led me to the place I am now. For the most part, although it wasn't a conscious decision on my part, I simply allowed things to happen around me. I allowed others to make decisions for me.

I have been living in a vacuum and having no real sense of time or sense of urgency concerning much of anything in my life. I hid behind spouses and children and used being a wife and mother or being a mother as an excuse to not really do anything with myself or my life.

When you give away your power, it's awfully difficult to gain it back. It's a very odd place to find yourself, when you realize that you gave up choices and control of yourself and your life simply because you had no idea how to make necessary decisions or because you had no idea how certain choices could or would affect your life.

The impact of my past actions or inactions has finally hit me in a way that I can no longer ignore. While I refuse to beat myself up for my past and refuse to live in said past, I do have to take responsibility and acknowledge that I certainly have had more to do with how things have turned out than I thought.

What a sobering thought. That I had more control than I believed at the time. And I'm now having to come to terms with the fact that I really did live in a naïve fashion. I'm all for positive thinking and for believing things will turn out for the best, but there's absolutely no reason - or excuse - to live like an ostrich with her head in the sand.

The most dangerous part of living as if in a vacuum is that while you're busy being oblivious and naïve, life is simply going along at warp speed and if you aren't careful, it goes in the wrong direction.

It takes a strong person to pull the plug on the vacuum and start navigating your own life. Some mistakes can never be corrected, while others are extremely difficult to change once they've begun to snowball. I am definitely stronger than I ever thought possible, but I am learning as I go... and I know that I am still not as strong as I need to be.

But at least the vacuum is no longer running, I'm no longer trapped inside. It's much better to be the one pushing the vacuum than simply riding inside.