What-Ifs and Memories

So, I'm sitting here tonight, pondering life and relationships. Thinking back to my marriages and the almost-3-year relationship that just ended. I don't know that my marriages really should have ever happened in the first place, but I have 7 wonderful children as a result, so I wouldn't go back and change those marriages if I could. But the most recently ended relationship. Wow. I don't know that I would go back and undo it, because I learned so much about love and relationships with "G." But I also learned that love is a really scary thing, which is funny, because I don't think I truly learned that during my marriages.

To love - and be loved - is to bare your heart and soul to another human being, to make yourself fully vulnerable to them and hope that neither person gets hurt. That's scary. Some people are incapable of doing this, which means they protect themselves from hurt, but they also never experience the true joy of love and vulnerability with another person. To let another person into your heart and soul requires the ability to be vulnerable and risk getting hurt, but it also requires a great deal of courage and strength. And if you do, by some chance, happen to get hurt in the process, where do you go from there? That, my friends, is the ultimate question.

Do you give love another chance when you've been hurt or have hurt the other? Do you try again with that person? Or do you simply move on and perhaps at a later date, try to love again with someone else? In this instance, I think both of us simply got too tired to keep trying. But I feel no desire or urge to try again with another. Having had love that was like no other and knowing that I would probably always compare someone else to "G," it's probably best if I don't even consider another relationship. I know my heart and know that it's gonna take a long time - if ever - to get over this one.

It's really sad when you meet someone, you know that simply by meeting them, your life will never be the same, YOU will never be the same, and it's equally sad to know that for - whatever reasons there may be - you can't spend your life with them like you'd hoped, so you have to find a way to move on and let them go. Yes, love is beautiful and love is awesome, but love can hurt, very deeply. Sometimes cause damage that is irreparable. So, find the beauty and awesomeness in your experiences with love, enjoy the joy, find hope in love and hold onto that beauty, joy and hope if something happens and love goes wrong. It will get you through the pain.

Memories are there, both good and bad. I wonder about what-ifs and wonder if things could have been different "if only." For two letters, the word "if" sure carries a lot of weight. I don't know if anything I have written makes sense. With so many memories swirling through my mind tonight, it's no wonder that I am writing a bit of a "downer" for this blog post. Ah, so be it. Tomorrow is another day and a new beginning.

Here's to life, love, beginnings and endings and living with light and love in 2014. 

To New Beginnings....

   There's a time and a place for everything, even if we don't always know the reason. And the simple fact is, we may never know the reason why things happen the way do.

    After many years of struggling with the same problems over and over, fighting the same battles over and over, a recent natural disaster that ripped through my hometown forced me to take a long, hard look at myself and realize that while the tornado might have ruined "life as I know it," there was actually a blessing in disguise.

     In the wake of the trauma to our lives, my children and I are now starting over. For all of us, this is going to be a good thing. Waking up one day to realize that life is precious and short can be the wake-up call that one needs to attempt to change the things that previously felt unmanageable or uncontrollable.

    There has been a lot of chaos and unnecessary drama in my life the last few years. Realizing that most of it came from choices I made has been a bitter pill to swallow. But, knowing that I have made some very wrong choices over the years and knowing that while I can't change the past, I can take things one step at a time in the right direction now.

   To me, that is the very meaning of hope. There is hope for a better life, for better choices and the knowing that I am the one who needs to make those choices to change the future for the better. Add a few dreams and goals, then get started. It's really as simple and complex as that.

   We are each in control of our own lives and the paths we take. There is no blame to be placed on others and their actions. How often it is, that we refuse to see that simply making one choice (or several) is what put us where we currently sit.

    So, with this knowledge in mind, I take things one step at a time and am on a path to a new beginning. Starting over isn't fun, it's a lot of work and takes a lot of mental and emotional energy. However, setting goals and keeping dreams going is how we ultimately find that place of peace within ourselves and find the life we always wanted.

   So, what's stopping you from making a few different choices and making a new beginning?