This Much I Do Know

Life is crazy. Sometimes you have a roadblock pop up and you don't know what to do about it, even if only temporarily. Amazingly enough, no matter what that obstacle might be, sometimes if you just wait a moment, you'll find the answer and you'll feel as though you should have seen the answer all along. Sometimes you just have to be patient. I still believe that everything happens for a reason, even if we don't realize that reason at first. Also, exes are almost always exes for a reason.

Confusion Reigns Supreme

Yep. I've decided that confusion is an inevitable part of life. Especially when it comes to interpersonal relationships and choosing your own personal path in life. What does one do whenever they are faced with numerous choices and potential paths and each outcome would be drastically different than another? Usually, I recommend that you sit down and write lists of pros and cons for each potential choice you could make.

However, sometimes this simply isn't enough. Especially when deep emotions are involved - the kind of emotions that one can't get over or get around, the kind of emotions that you can't push to the back while you make a decision. So what does one do whenever they are faced with this kind of choice? Honestly, I have no idea whatsoever. If you're facing two different choices and both carry such strong emotions that you can't make a decision, what's the deciding factor? I don't know that either.

When you feel like you're stuck in mud and just spinning your wheels, it's hard to know what to do. When the idea of making a choice sends you spinning and you feel as though you're free-falling into a never-ending abyss, what do you do? I wish I had the answers. All I know is that it happens in life, situations where we are faced with choices so drastic that either choice would change everything and then you are faced with trying to decide and simply don't know which direction to take, all because you can't get past emotions.

I'm a fairly logical person. Most of the time. I tend to analyze and even OVER analyze everything, but this time, analyzing things isn't helping. If anything, my logic and analytical skills are failing me. I think they may be making it worse. There are decisions I need to make, each choice I am facing carries such strong emotions with them that I can't see past the emotions of the decisions needing to be made. I feel like I'm stuck in quick-sand and simply unable to move. Paralyzed. Out of breath. Waiting.

But what am I waiting for? Maybe some sort of sign or signal as to which direction I should go? Maybe for something or someone to give me a clue about where I need to go and be? Maybe I should do nothing? Maybe I am just so confused and so emotional that I can't see my way around the choices before me, I know I have to make some decisions... I just don't know how to go about it.

For the first time in my life, I'm feeling more out of control and confused than I recall ever feeling. I HATE feeling so damn helpless and confused. I'm stronger than this. Now, if I can just figure it out......

Thoughts on Negativity

Negativity is one of the many pitfalls of life. Too often, we allow that negativity to consume us and ruin our day, we find ourselves dwelling on the negatives and forget all about anything that might actually be positive. I'm here to remind you that it doesn't have to be that way. If you find yourself dwelling on the negative, you'll find yourself living in a bubble of darkness, you'll find that you have no enjoyment in life.

Focusing on the positive will balance out the negativity in your life, it can even help to minimize it. All you need to do is simply find one thing each morning to be thankful for in your life. If you can find one positive thing to focus on, then this helps to keep negativity at bay and you won't drown in the waves of negativity.

Negativity will always be there, it's a natural part of life, but you needn't feel like that is all there is in your life. Simply choose to focus on the positive and you will find that life doesn't seem as full of negativity. Find a life that makes you happy, find something that you can be happy about, that you can be thankful for. Please find something good about the present, the here and now and let go of negativity. You will find, as you focus on more positivity, that the negative begins to disappear or not seem so daunting and you will find peace.

One Year After the Tornado

Well, it's been a year since our world was turned upside down and life as we knew it ended. I can think of nothing in my life that has affected me or my family as drastically as the May 20th, 2013 tornado in Moore, Oklahoma. In a single instant, due to circumstances beyond our control and a natural disaster, our way of living was destroyed and our city was destroyed.

The outpouring of love, support and emergency efforts from not just our home state, but our country and even the world was amazing. It was awesome to see that there were so many people out there who cared about us and others who lost their homes and way of life. Those emergency support efforts were very much appreciated, not just by us, but by everyone affected by the tornado.

While my children and I didn't lose our home specifically, we lost almost everything inside, our vehicle was ruined, and the kids' school was demolished. My children lost classmates and friends, which has proven to be devastating. Due to the tornado making our home unlivable due to water damage and wind damage, we have relocated from Moore to Oklahoma City and then, finally, to Edmond, Oklahoma.

It has been a year of adjusting and healing. I know we're not completely there and I know we have a long way to go, but we are slowly finding our way and we are finding some semblance of normal again. We continue to keep all of the victims in our thoughts and prayers and we continue to hold hope for the full healing and recovery of Moore and those affected.

I feel like my kids and I were blessed and lucky beyond belief, and we have a chance to live our lives fully and with light and love. When you go through something traumatic and devastating, it's important to realize that you need to live life to the fullest and to take every chance you can to enjoy life.

Finding joy in the smallest things and choosing to make each moment count is the most important thing anyone can do. Going through something terrible and fearing for your life is one way to ensure that you don't waste your life. So, a year after May 20th, I am thrilled to be alive and I am so thankful to be given the chance to live life to it's fullest.

Forgiveness and Moving Forward

When it comes to past hurts and anger, it's very difficult to forgive and let it go. I think that many times, when we are struggling with trying to forgive someone else, we often are so caught up in our anger or hurt feelings that we then feel guilty for feeling angry or hurt, so we end up sabotaging our attempts at forgiving the other person.

I think that sometimes too, when someone has hurt or offended us, sometimes their actions are a reaction to our own actions. And then, when we are struggling to forgive them for their offense, we can't do it unless we have acknowledged where we have wronged them as well.

I don't know if true forgiveness is always possible. Sometimes the hurt or anger is so deep, it can seem impossible to let the offense go. But, if we are to love others and ourselves and to move past the hurt and anger, forgiveness is an important step. I am not suggesting that one should blindly forgive and forget. But forgiveness is a big part of moving forward, even if you are aware that you should proceed with caution in trusting the person again.

But this much I do know - If we are to successfully forgive another person and move forward, we first have to be able to forgive ourselves. We may need to forgive ourselves for causing hurt feelings to another or for being inconsiderate of their feelings, we may need to forgive our initial reaction to another's actions that caused them pain on top of the pain we caused us. If we really want to forgive another and move forward, we need to remember to turn the forgiveness inward as well.

And once we've given forgiveness, then the offense needs to be truly forgiven. This means that we can't keep dwelling on the action or reaction that caused pain or anger, we need to move past it and not keep throwing the incident up in the other's face or holding it over their heads. The point of forgiveness is to acknowledge the hurt or upset that something or someone has caused and then to move past it and try to repair the relationship. 

A New Year: New Goals and Another Chance

Another year has passed us by... we have left 2013 behind and entered 2014. The new year always brings with it, hopes for change and we often set goals, or "resolutions." We are two days into the new year, and I have yet to actually finish my "resolutions." Why are those resolutions so important?

If we were all honest, most of us don't actually end up following through with those resolutions and we end up feeling a great sense of failure about it. So, one might ask, what's the point? Why bother setting goals for one's self if one isn't going to even bother to meet those goals?

All of us have the desire to change something in our lives, even if it's not something major, perhaps a bad habit, a minor organizational issue, etc.. We always seem to feel the urge to make "resolutions" at the beginning of a new year to change these things.

The problem is, making a "Resolution" can seem like a "do or die" affair and we tend to push ourselves harder than necessary or we simply give up when we decide it feels too difficult. How about making those resolutions easier to keep? What if, we simply don't call them resolutions? How about setting smaller goals, marking them off as we reach them, and then aiming for an ultimate large goal, rather than trying to do it all at once and frustrating and discouraging ourselves?

Each day is another chance to get life right, each year is another opportunity to make our life what we want it. Are we simply struggling and trying too hard to "get it right?" Or are we taking each day, week, month and year as it comes, moving in the right direction, but not pressuring ourselves while we take the time to savor the good, learn from our experiences and make happy memories as well?

I leave you with this. In 2014, make your life your own. Don't worry about all you may not achieve. Instead, worry about making your positive mark on this world, learning from your experiences and enjoying life while you move towards your ultimate goals. A new day will begin tomorrow, and you will have another chance to get things right.

Here's to a positive 2014!

Welcome, 2014!!!

Well, out with the old, in with the new. Another new year begins. With it, the hope that this year will be better than the last. Welcome, my new friend, 2014. I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm VERY excited to start a new year. To me, each new DAY is another chance to get life right. Life isn't easy, we struggle through daily and each of us much find our own path and make the choices that are right for us.

I know I am not perfect, my life isn't perfect. If I were completely honest, I feel like I fail at life and doing the things I need to do a large portion of the time. I know that sounds like a "downer," but it's simply honesty. And I think if most people were more honest, we'd all be more willing to admit that we are flawed and imperfect, that we struggle with SOMETHING on a day to day basis. What does all of this have to do with the New Year?

Well, this year, I am hoping to find the sense of balance and find my organizational skills, both things that I feel have eluded me all of my life. I am going to focus more on living in the here and now, while also making changes one tiny step at a time, to keep myself and my children on track, and I am going to go after the things I want for myself and my children.

So, welcome to 2014. Come on in, 2014, you are welcome here, because this is a new day, week, month and year. This is the first day of the rest of my life and I'm going to get this right, one way or another.
To all of you out there struggling, feeling lost, you are not alone. Most of us, if we're honest, feel that way at times, keep jumping right back in and make your life your own. Now is the time. Get started. A new year, a new beginning!

Finding Hope Within Darkness

  Anyone who has gone through a traumatic event personally knows that finding hope within these events can seem almost impossible. We might even, in the aftermath of trauma, find ourselves resenting those who seem "cheerful" and upbeat. It might seem ludicrous for someone to suggest that we find hope in something that has seemingly ripped our lives apart.

   For me personally, I know that finding hope in darkness can be extremely difficult. I have found myself in the position of resenting those who attempt to offer comfort or support in the form of hope.

   During times of crisis, it can be very easy to turn a blind eye to anything even remotely close to positive or hopeful, it is almost automatic to become jealous of those who seemingly are better off than we are. In the aftermath of the May 20th, 2013 Tornado that ripped Moore, Oklahoma apart, I saw this first-hand. I even -gasp!- felt some of those same emotions myself.

   This is the point where it becomes important to have a positive perspective on reality and keep gauging your own emotions and reactions. I found myself becoming resentful of those who were trying to help, found myself resentful of those who hadn't lost as much as I had, I found my emotions dramatically off-kilter. I cried, laughed, got angry, got sad, all at the same time.

  Although I feel I was reasonably quick to find hope in the situation, despite the circumstances that surrounded myself and my children, I know I have still had a difficult time holding onto that hope.

   You see, when we're trying to find hope in the darkness, we keep looking for hope externally. When, in reality, that hope is often to be found inside of us. A tiny spark that will ignite, if we simply look for it. Sometimes it is a simple word or action from someone else that lights the fire of hope, other times it is when we take a step back, evaluate our situation and realize that we have some sort of option to keep moving forward.
 
   Hope comes in all shapes and sizes. It can be in the form of volunteers offering help and support after a natural disaster, an understanding neighbor who has gone through the same thing you have, a quiet moment of self-reflection where one realizes that they are still alive and that they can make their life better than it was before - hope is ever-changing and everlasting, as long as we acknowledge its presence.

   To find hope in the darkness, all you have to do is close your eyes to the darkness and look inside yourself. Find that tiny flame and ignite the fire of hope. Hope can do amazing things and can help you get through the worst of times.

   Where do you find your hope within the darkness?

Simply Be Yourself, Not Your Past

        Too often, we are bombarded with recollections of our past - whether these come in the form of reminiscing with friends or family, places, things or even just self-inventory. If our past is less than stellar, it is all too easy to internalize those mistakes, continuing to hold onto that past and believe that we are too intertwined with our past to ever get past it.

        In effect, we begin to believe that we are either a product of our past or that we are still our past. If we do not let go of our past and all of the mistakes we have made while traveling through our life path, then we remain stuck in the past. Believing we are our past and its mistakes, takes us to a point of losing hope and any motivation for moving forward or making changes in our lives.

         Which leads to the question of, what do you do when you've lost hope and motivation? Take a self-inventory. Look at yourself, those around you and past choices you've made. Realize that you have more options that you have ever really thought possible and recognize that you are where you are now due to choices that you yourself have made.

      One of the most important things you can do for yourself is to realize that you are not the person you were in your past. Each moment that passes, is another step away from the person you were yesterday, the day before, weeks, months and years before. When we realize that we are not the person who made those mistakes, it becomes easier to make the right decisions and to follow the path best suited to reach our goals.

      An amazing part of being a human being is the ability to make mistakes, while being able to learn from those mistakes so that we can become the person we want to be and have the life we truly want. If you find yourself in a position of being unable to make a decision or choose between two different paths, think back to past situations and your reactions to them.

     We often do the most growing and make the best choices for ourselves in the midst of crisis, as long as we are willing to open our eyes to our own flaws and mistakes of our past. Choosing to put your past behind you and realizing that you are who you are today due to your past, goes a long way toward letting go and finding your true self.

      Once you find your true self or know who it is you want to be, you can find hope again, set goals and start taking the steps to get the life you want for yourself.