Long-neglected Blog, Long-neglected Me?

I have had a really difficult time over the past year; mentally, physically, emotionally, financially. It’s been a rollercoaster of seemingly limitless insanity and a bunch of bright moments scattered within a dark forest full of danger. Perhaps I exaggerate, perhaps not. 

I had two surgeries within a year - one, seemingly minor, simply getting four broken teeth removed (except it affected a lot more than those four broken teeth and further impacted my ability to eat properly) and then my hysterectomy almost six months ago. A physically and mentally difficult ordeal, I got infections in my incisions, I had so much pain it was unreal and I found myself struggling to do anything physically, found myself completely exhausted with minimal stamina for much of anything. 

I didn’t take the seriousness of my hysterectomy into consideration. I chose to remain blissfully unaware of the physical repercussions of having a major surgery where a part of one’s body is removed. And from an area of one’s body that is connected to physical strength in pretty much every other area of the body. 

It was a shock to me whenever my body didn’t “bounce back” as quickly as I wanted or expected it to, I didn’t seem to consider that I had never actually been through anything like that. I lost my mind, or whatever I had left of it - pushing myself to try harder, to do more, to try even harder. I found myself hurt and/or sick multiple times because I would push and push at myself and then stress myself out. I placed unrealistic expectations on myself and then pushed myself hard to attempt to live up to those expectations, before I finally realized that I don’t have to push myself so hard or push so fast. I can still take the time to take care of myself as I keep making progress, but that progress doesn’t have to happen overnight. 

As long as I am trying and making progress, it’s okay to slow down once in awhile and it’s okay to take care of myself. I can’t get to the destination if I burn out along the way, and the journey is part of the destination.

It’s okay to be tired. It’s okay to say “not today” or “I’m not doing this right now.” I have given myself permission to rest and take care of me. As a result, I’m no longer stressed out all the time, I am feeling better physically, my emotions aren’t all over the place.. I’m doing okay now. 

Equally important - don’t overthink it, sometimes there doesn’t have to be a reason or a why. Sometimes things are just the way they are and you must do what you need to do, which is to take care of you too. 

Here are the things that people won’t remind you to do; 

Stop and breath. 

Make sure to get sleep.

Eat properly. 

Take time to process things as needed.

Don’t be afraid to say “I don’t know.” 

You don’t have to agree to anything you do not want to.

Don’t place unreasonable expectations on yourself or allow anyone else to.

Healing happens at all levels and stages, don’t minimize your progress. 

Take care of yourself before you take care of everyone else. 

Self-care isn’t selfish, it’s a necessity.

A Day In My Life With 2 Toddlers

So, if you've followed me for any length of time, you already know I have 9 children... ranging in ages from 19, down to age 2 1/2. I had my first 5 children within 5 years of each other... then spaced out numbers 6 and 7 out over another 5 years. I had baby number 8 when baby number 7 was 5, baby number 9 followed 16 months later. My life is pure insanity sometimes... even the older ones who don't live with me can contribute to this... Mom's life is filled with stress and worry for all of her children.

I absolutely adore all of my children - from the semi-bratty teenagers, all the way down to my littlest miniature dictator toddler. However, they completely exhaust me! The toddlers, that is. With two toddlers in the house - ages 3 and 2, my life is absolutely never boring. They are always getting into things, fussing over the same toy, loudly shouting the words "NO!!" or "MINE!" over things that are most definitely not theirs or over things that they most definitely need to do or not do.

I never imagined "starting over" and having anymore children after I turned 30. But here I am, at the age of 36 (almost 37) with my last two babies being "start-over babies." I don't remember being this exhausted when my older kids were younger, even though there were more of them and they had to have been just as "busy" as these two. Maybe it's because I was younger, perhaps it's selective amnesia. Joking. Maybe?

My days with two toddlers consist of attempting to wake up before they do to make sure they don't get into anything they aren't supposed to, making breakfast - half of which ends up not eaten, bathing and dressing them.Working on potty-training two of them at once, while trying to convince them that they have to wear clothes - walking around nude all the time simply isn't an option! Removing any dangerous objects from their line of sight or reach - which they always seem to immediately gravitate towards!

Then I remove random objects from their mouths, things that they feel the need to taste or try to eat that most definitely aren't food. Definitely a Mom, because I simply hold out my hand and tell them to spit whatever it is out into my hand... no matter what it is, I never bat an eye. Wiping snotty noses, convincing them to wash their hands and to PLEASE stop playing in the toilet! No, you can't take a bath for the 7th time today... the bathtub isn't a swimming pool!

PLEASE, don't bite your brother! Your siblings aren't food! Oh, we're hungry again... oh, I see, you're going to snub something that you simply couldn't get enough of for the last 5 days. SIGH. We're only halfway through the day.

Then we go through futile attempts at a nap-time. Nope. Too bad, Mommy... no naps for us today. Dang. But *I* wanted a nap, My Loves! Uh oh, time to take the toy they're fighting over away. Maybe the next 6.... because, "Toddler Rules." We have to go to the store. We take two hours to get completely ready, only for them to both have their shoes off by the time we reach the store that's 5 minutes away. Put the shoes back on and unload from the vehicle.

Yep, I can understand why some parents use toddler "leashes." Really hard to chase two toddlers headed in opposite directions while trying to carry a couple of items I'm planning to purchase. And this is just at the convenience store. Not very convenient. No shopping carts to semi-corral them in! We fare a little better at Wal-Mart, until I have a momentary lapse in judgement and accidentally get the cart too close to a display or shelf and then toddler hands proceed to knock things down or add things to the cart.

Two hours later, we're finally home again. Gotta unload the babies, then unload the groceries. Yes, you guys can watch tv while Mommy puts things away. Oh, but you'd rather start playing with everything I just bought. (No wonder things get misplaced and I end up buying duplicates or replacements a day or two later!) There. Things are finally put away.

Dinner time. Oh, but it's floor food instead. I guess the floor was "hungry." Sometimes they just don't want to eat whatever I've made, other times they just have to throw it in the floor and then decide they want it. I know it doesn't sound like it, but I've been teaching them table manners. I don't know... sometimes I think a pack of wolves would do a better job at raising toddlers than I am!

Chill time, then it's finally bed time. Well, if they'd only just lay down and stop wanting to get up to get into things or harass each other. They want to sleep with me. Great! We can all get to sleep fairly quick then. Oh, guess not. THEY get to sleep fairly quickly. Mommy gets kidney kicked, throat punched, gets the blanket stolen and sharp little feet in her ribs.

Whoever said that pregnancy or having a newborn was the worst time to try to sleep as a parent has never tried sleeping with even one toddler, let alone two! It's 2am. Mommy's exhausted. And my day starts again in about 5 hours. :SIGH:

I love my babies. They just exhaust me! Whoever said that having kids keeps you young, doesn't have kids or doesn't realize that the only reason they keep you young is because you regress to toddler tantrums when you're this exhausted... so you're basically on your kid's level.

One day, that feels like it lasts an insanely long amount of time, but goes by too fast... all at the same time.