Chances or Choices?

Are you where you are in your life due to chances or choices? If you have to stop and think too hard about the answer to this question, perhaps you are not ready to live a life of authenticity with light and love. I'm not intending to sound harsh or as if I know everything, because I certainly don't know everything, but there is a certain level of self-awareness and self-honesty that is required to admit that a lot of things in our lives is due to choices of our own making.

When we can stop and be truly honest with ourselves and admit that we've made some not-so-great, even BAD, choices, then we can stop blaming chance and blaming others for our problems and the struggles in our lives and move forward. There is a certain amount of chance in life, chance can sometimes cause some degree of difficulty in our lives. But when it comes to chance, even when we cannot control our circumstances, we still can control our reactions or choices that result from chance events.

So, are you living a life of chance or choice? Do you feel like your life is beyond your own control? Or are you in control of your circumstances? When something happens that is beyond your control, do you make choices or do you simply throw your hands up and say "there's nothing I can do" and just let things happen? I beg of you, choose to live a life of choice. Allow no one and nothing to control you or your life, don't sit and wait for things to change, make the choice to change things yourself. And keep moving. 

Roll With The Changes

Life is funny. One minute you're on the straight and narrow path and you've got a plan, the next you've come upon a giant tree in the road and one side of the road has a cliff on it and the other is water. So what do you do then? Jump off in the water and hope you can swim? Do you dive off the cliff and hope you magically learn how to fly? Or do you try to find a way to go over that tree in the road?

What if I told you that, sometimes, it's a combination of the three? Sometimes you have to swim, sometimes you have to fly... other times you have to figure out a way over or through your obstacles. Life is full of changes. Indeed, in a single moment, things can change in the blink of an eye and it can seem that all of your well-made plans evaporate right before your eyes.

It's really easy to get discouraged and frustrated when things happen to mess up your plans, especially when it seems like you'll never get out from underneath the current crisis or stress. It's easy to tell someone else to "keep your chin up" or "don't give up hope," but it's quite another to take that advice to heart when it's you that's facing changes and uncertainty. But, sometimes the best way to get through something is to take your own advice, even if you have to fake it until you make it.

Nothing in life, not even bad circumstances or stress, is permanent. Things change so quickly, it's amazing how quickly we get ourselves worked up and stressed out... if only we'd be patient and see that something new and better is right around the corner, as long as we stay receptive to it and move with the changes. To get through change, sometimes you just gotta roll with it and keep holding on to hope and faith. Barring your own death, there's nothing in life so absolutely terrible that you can't find some way to get through it.

So, I suggest you get out there, work on climbing over that tree, jump off that cliff and fly or jump in the water and swim. Just keep going. There's always something good around the corner. 

Living Authentically

Are we true to ourselves, our hopes, our dreams? Do we live within our proclaimed values and morals? Do we feel like we can be our true selves or do we feel the need to wear a mask or to be someone we are not? A life lived in disguise, lived based on what others think we should do, is a life wasted.

I wish someone had told me that years ago, instead of learning it the hard way.

For too many years, I lived within the ideals of what I believed was best, simply because it was what everyone expected of me. I attempted to hide my true self and attempted to avoid confrontation or doing anything to "rock the boat" in attempts to make others happy. I found myself hiding my true thoughts, feelings, beliefs and ideas. I wore a mask that I never took off, even with those who were supposed to be closest to me.

That's absolutely no way to live.

I found that in trying to please others, I pleased no one and I made myself absolutely miserable. It's like I kept waiting for permission to be myself, for permission to pursue my interests, kept waiting on something to change so that I could be happy or be myself. And then I discovered, I was absolutely miserable, I was unhappy and I had the power all along to change my life and be happy. I found out that it's completely okay to be myself.

What an amazing discovery! I can be myself and if there is someone who doesn't approve or like it, then it's their problem and they don't belong in my life. I can live my life as myself, live for each moment, be happy and be at peace. This is what I call living authentically. I can be truly myself and be true to my beliefs and reach for my goals. I think it is much better to live this way, leaving no room for negativity and naysayers, than to live behind a mask, locked in an invisible box and feeling trapped.

It's an amazing freedom to be yourself and live your life authentically. I encourage anyone to try it. Find your true self, live as your true self, live authentically... and find the happiness that you deserve.

It's All UP From Here!

Wow, this has been a crazy few years. Starting in 2010, when my marriage began to crumble right after my youngest child was born, then meeting my new love, whom I've now been with for 3 years, to starting college and now being a year away from graduating with my Associate's degree in Psychology, it's been a rough ride. Finally, last year, the May 20th tornado of Moore, Oklahoma took out our life as we knew it. Then, a month ago, my boyfriend had a massive heart attack.

I had an epiphany this morning. Even when life is at it's lowest point and even when you seemingly can't go anywhere, the only option becomes to move forward and go up from there. So, even though I've been down for the last few years, it's all UP from here. Our life path is our choice, we CHOOSE the direction we move in. Starting today, I'm choosing to go forward and up.

While I haven't been writing much the last several months (obviously, I've been horrible at keeping a blog!), I am now more motivated than ever to start writing again and KEEP writing. For me, writing is an outlet, but it also allows me to connect with others on a deeper level. Find something that's important to you and make it a priority in your life. Family and friends are a given as to what should be a priority in your life.... I'm talking about other things that are important to you.

Find your own path, choose to move forward and realize, it's all up from here. Seriously. When you get down to a certain level, the only choice is to go back up. 

Thoughts on Negativity

Negativity is one of the many pitfalls of life. Too often, we allow that negativity to consume us and ruin our day, we find ourselves dwelling on the negatives and forget all about anything that might actually be positive. I'm here to remind you that it doesn't have to be that way. If you find yourself dwelling on the negative, you'll find yourself living in a bubble of darkness, you'll find that you have no enjoyment in life.

Focusing on the positive will balance out the negativity in your life, it can even help to minimize it. All you need to do is simply find one thing each morning to be thankful for in your life. If you can find one positive thing to focus on, then this helps to keep negativity at bay and you won't drown in the waves of negativity.

Negativity will always be there, it's a natural part of life, but you needn't feel like that is all there is in your life. Simply choose to focus on the positive and you will find that life doesn't seem as full of negativity. Find a life that makes you happy, find something that you can be happy about, that you can be thankful for. Please find something good about the present, the here and now and let go of negativity. You will find, as you focus on more positivity, that the negative begins to disappear or not seem so daunting and you will find peace.

Life, Exhaustion and Second Chances

After the crazy week we've had here, with Sweetie's heart attack, his hospital stay, getting him home, me starting a new job and trying to work around everything else going on, I'm definitely exhausted! I have come to the realization that there are many different levels and types of exhaustion. I think that there are at least three and then there are combinations thereof.

Physical, mental and emotional would be the three types of exhaustion and any of them can be extremely draining, but even more so, if you are dealing with a combination of the three. I'm not sure what level I'm at, I just know I'm very tired. I'm just feeling drained and slightly overwhelmed. A simpler word for what I am feeling right now, would be "stress." Yep. Definitely stressed.

Life has a funny way of throwing things at you when you least expect it and feel the least equipped to handle it. Knowing or suspecting something could happen and it actually happening are two different things. We knew that Sweetie was having some health issues and I have always worried about his health and the possibility of major complications, but actually knowing that he almost died is quite another story altogether.

All I can take away from this situation is this: Everything in life happens for some reason or another. I truly believe that we can learn or grow from anything that we deal with in life, whether it be good or bad. I feel like this has been a major wake-up call to pay attention to our health, to get healthy and to not take each other - or life - for granted. He has been given a second chance at life and it's been rough, but it's definitely going to be okay in the end, because it's enough of a motivator to not want to waste the chance we are given.

With that, I am now taking my exhausted self to bed with my Sweetie and I will check-in when I get another chance! Have a great weekend everyone!

An End to a Rough Week

My boyfriend had a heart attack Wednesday afternoon. It's been a rough week. His heart attack actually started late Tuesday night, but it didn't get bad enough until Wednesday afternoon for him to realize how serious it was and then he finally had me take him to the emergency room.

I picked him up from work, dropped him off at the emergency room, went and picked up my kids from school, then I went back to the hospital to find out what was going on with him after I handed the kids off to his sister. When I got to the hospital, they were getting ready to transport him to the Heart Hospital to have a cath procedure done on his heart and put a stint in where a blockage was.

So, I rode in the ambulance with him to the Oklahoma Heart Hospital and then waited while he was in surgery. I have never been so worried in my life! The procedure went well and after he made it out of recovery and was put into a room, I finally got to see him. He said, even coming out of anesthetic, that he was already feeling a TON better!

As we found out, he has not just high blood pressure and another blockage in his heart, but he is also diabetic with high cholesterol. He was released from the hospital yesterday and we had to fill six medications. No word from the doctor yet as to what they are wanting to do about the second blockage. I have had one of the craziest weeks in my life. Between worrying about Sweetie and taking care of kids, plus working, I found myself feeling a bit overwhelmed.

This means some major lifestyle and diet changes - for BOTH of us. But we are looking at this like a second chance and we're hoping to get it right and both of us get healthier. I am so thankful that we got him to the hospital when we did and that he made it through surgery just fine and I am thankful that he took this as the wakeup call that it is. Now, it's time for both of us to get some rest and start moving forward.

So, there's my ending to a rough week. How did your week go?

One Year After the Tornado

Well, it's been a year since our world was turned upside down and life as we knew it ended. I can think of nothing in my life that has affected me or my family as drastically as the May 20th, 2013 tornado in Moore, Oklahoma. In a single instant, due to circumstances beyond our control and a natural disaster, our way of living was destroyed and our city was destroyed.

The outpouring of love, support and emergency efforts from not just our home state, but our country and even the world was amazing. It was awesome to see that there were so many people out there who cared about us and others who lost their homes and way of life. Those emergency support efforts were very much appreciated, not just by us, but by everyone affected by the tornado.

While my children and I didn't lose our home specifically, we lost almost everything inside, our vehicle was ruined, and the kids' school was demolished. My children lost classmates and friends, which has proven to be devastating. Due to the tornado making our home unlivable due to water damage and wind damage, we have relocated from Moore to Oklahoma City and then, finally, to Edmond, Oklahoma.

It has been a year of adjusting and healing. I know we're not completely there and I know we have a long way to go, but we are slowly finding our way and we are finding some semblance of normal again. We continue to keep all of the victims in our thoughts and prayers and we continue to hold hope for the full healing and recovery of Moore and those affected.

I feel like my kids and I were blessed and lucky beyond belief, and we have a chance to live our lives fully and with light and love. When you go through something traumatic and devastating, it's important to realize that you need to live life to the fullest and to take every chance you can to enjoy life.

Finding joy in the smallest things and choosing to make each moment count is the most important thing anyone can do. Going through something terrible and fearing for your life is one way to ensure that you don't waste your life. So, a year after May 20th, I am thrilled to be alive and I am so thankful to be given the chance to live life to it's fullest.

Oklahoma City Festival of The Arts, 2014

Thoughts on Support Groups

I ran a Yahoo Group for many years, with many difficulties over the years. Some of it was stuff simply between members, other stuff was between admins and myself. Over time, the group simply fizzled out, especially as it couldn't take the pressure of issues I myself (as the group owner and primary admin) was having and disputes about the group and focus of the group.

I see here, a great group with a potential to be a completely awesome place for support for everyone.  What troubles me is the seeming discord between admins and former admins, not simply about how much one should pull their own weight or what each one should do, but also about the purpose or goal of the group.

To me, a place of support, is just that. A place of support. Where, members support one another through common issues and realize that they are not alone. I may have this entirely wrong or my memory might be off, but I don't remember during my time running my Yahoo groups ever expecting an admin to be there at all times, sometimes, this just isn't humanly possible. This is where the other members of the group step in and support one another. Again, just my two-cents, for whatever that may be worth.

If someone is having such serious issues that they are considering taking their own life, that is really scary and perfectly understandable why people would want someone to be available at all times. And while this is a wonderful idea and I fully support it, there are simply times where it isn't going to be possible.. This is why links to the Suicide Hotline and other resources are posted frequently and prominently in any support group (online and offline), because it is almost impossible to always be there for someone. This puts an insane amount of pressure on everyone to try to "be there" for everyone else and to be supportive - but it can cause a lot of stress and un-necessary discord. At the end of the day, we are all human beings.

The responsibility of preventing someone from committing suicide is no one else's but the individual considering it. All anyone can do is try to talk someone out of it, contact the necessary emergency resources to seek help for themselves or another suicidal person and keep talking to the person. But, IF, god forbid, someone actually does it, there usually is no blame to be placed on those who are left behind. Too many times, I've seen large amounts of guilt in survivors of suicide, thinking that if they'd said something more or done something more, then it wouldn't have happened. That kind of thinking scares me, because it's a very unhealthy form of self-blame and places a lot of responsibility on someone's shoulders - that is the type of thinking that can destroy a person mentally and emotionally.

While running a support group and being part of a support group requires a certain amount of give and take, we all have lives outside of whatever group we are in - this doesn't just include support groups, this can include hobby groups, clubs, etc. I find it admirable that everyone would like to consider the group a job, if not in the literal sense, but as a responsibility, It is unfair to everyone - including one's self - to place that kind of pressure on ourselves and others.

What I would like to see from a support group is to see all members be there for one another as much as they can, with minimal issue between admins or other members of the group. I would like to see a fully supportive environment for everyone, while remembering at the end of the day, that we are all human beings and that we are all here for the same reason.

I've learned a lot in the years since I initially began my first Yahoo group for depression support. And I've learned one thing - depression, bipolar, all those other issues, they're VERY REAL. Those issues are not in my head or yours, and it's wonderful to have a supportive place to be without all the drama or discord that tends to already be in our individual personal lives, within our families, etc. I remember a time when I was way too harsh with others for their seeming "drama" or "failures" and forgot that they were also human beings with the same issues that I had, which was why we were all there.

Recently, after a 3 year seperation and a divorce that has dragged on way too long, finding myself a single parent, ending a relationship of almost 3 years and trying to go to school fulltime, along with dealing with my children and each of their individual issues, I have found myself at the lowest point I have **EVER** been at. It's a scary and very lonely place to be..... a place I only THOUGHT I had been and understood before this.

During a time when we should be supporting one another and trying to be there for each other, while getting support for our own issues, this is not the time to be having discord or disputes. My heart hurts to see this, because we are all human beings with real thoughts, feelings and emotions - fighting some of the very same demons and probably all feeling a little alone even when someone else is there.